Judas

The fantasy of leaving once and for all

The great escape

True selfishness

A normal response to all of this.





Dear Judas,

I don't claim to know what you went through.

You couldn't deal with what you did or who you were.




Judas couldn't accept himself

He couldn't forgive himself.



Self loathing is addictive.

The desire to runaway for good beings momentary peace.



Letting go feels easy.

To keep climbing is difficult




I too wish to purchase a field.

A moment of courage is easier than being strong all the time.



The weight of the world hung on his neck



Death is seductive

Misery is difficult.




The lord says to me,

Enter ye through the narrow gate.




The road towards death is wide and inviting.


Find ye the true meaning of death.



For Judas died but never truly understood death.

I'm at work.


Job ez today.


But boring.



Im pretty exhausted.

Had a huge poop this morning.

Had to apply a warm compress to my tummy (felt nice)



Not just that but.

I did a lot of stuff past few days. A lot of renovations and a lot of emotional demands.




But yeah. I think I did a complete detox.



Flushed it out with green tea, manuka honey

Tons of veggies. Started goin on walks.



I mean these are human efforts guided by the Spirit, I think.


Ultimately it is God who detoxes and keeps the feet from slipping.




+++


Lord, you know that last night I sweat like a lot.

I was covered in sweat.




I woke up several times through the night.



I could feel the jonesieness of my body.
I never sweat like that before.





I feel like the poison came out of my sweat, and bodily waste.




Also with that huge emotional outburst yesterday...




++I hope I am clean now. God.


The detox really helped. I think I might be over this hump.


+++

Who I wsd before on angel technology

Should I be ashamed?

Should I look back and reflect?



If God should use my knowledge thereof, then it is good.



What I learned from my sinful past.

Only God can reconcile and justify.





But I count all that as loss.


There is still work to be done. Debts to be paid. God cleaned me out for a reason.



Not for repossession or for me to be overtaken by another god




But God has made me clean for him and his holy purpose.


The lord knows my needa. He knows the basic need of my children and wife and family and job.



He knows who I am.



So I must be careful of what I ask.

My infirmities have been comforted.




I shall not want.


Lord, help me to wait upon your voice and do your will.

I wonder who still follows this blog..


This entry will be mild.


+


Today seemed to me to be a good day.

Again, I was struggling with sleep. I woke up around 2am before I could fall back asleep. I was struggling between hot and cold.


My sweat. I was sweating like mad again. And I noticed my dried sweat became more stinker (I usually cannot smell myself this is the first time)

Maybe my chemistry is changing. The detox kicking in.

Maybe I'm getting older.

+++

Again this morning at around six o clock, I was very cold.

The wetness of the sweat, chilled by the cold air = very shivery




+

So I went to the bathroom and took a hot bath to increase my internal temperature.



I went to the ravine later, got some morning air.


Listened to the river.


Saw a rabbit. Life on earth is worthy of my attention.



I went to the rocks again and prayed to the LORD Jesus Christ.



For my family and for my work day.


+ +


My Lord, what would you have me do today?

What shall I study?

find me

ill be at the edge of the forest

where you can hear water

moving upon the rocks

and the sun on your back

as the shade creeps slowly

casting me

into the night

triangle

the highest vertice

a flame that burns alone

incomplete

my corners are empty

my loyalties stripped

it is not good

=

inversion

the weight sinks to the low point

i bury myself

where light reaches not

a forest sown by mist

an endless pilgrimage

circles me inwards

denying my escape

+

i rely on darkness

to plant my steps

i stumble and slip

my lamp has fallen among the mud

the cold and slippery mud

+

the fog encroaches

swimming into my mouth

a sepulcher

for an ashen soul

7500

Perhaps more.

A flood.

Of new lies.

The free gift from the devil.

Free! He says.

Take without measure.

Eat without paying.



I got you covered

I got you

The number between death and life



My 6oul flickers

I did something strange today.


I paid my dues.


They said to pay up.



I paid up. I am human just like all of you.

I am not better.

I am not superior.



Give me my fine

For I have broken the rules

And I am not

Above the law

I said to myself.


He cut me off.


Well, that's not good.



+


Its not good to be cheated or taken advantage of.

It sucks.

+

But forgive these people lord. Bless them. I will not scorn a scorner. I will not avenge my own self. I will figure out how to be an amazing worm.

I am as filthy as you are.

I am as perverted as you are.

The sin that reigns in your mortal flesh.


My flesh is the same.



Your desires.

Your rebellion.


It is the same as mine.



Your sickness.

Your fallenitude

Your mixedness

Your frowardness.




Your lying lips are like my lips.



Your evil heart is like my heart.



When we fall

We are alive