Genuinely bored.

This is dangerous.



1., I was tired and needed focus. My head was swollen with headache. I knew I needed some caffeine but I screwed up

2. I got the small cup of coffee but it's still too harsh for me. I finished my external package right away

I really desperately needed to go for a walk. I needed to go for a walk damn.


I was scared

I was scared because if I kept this up I might end up somewhere I don't usually wanna go.




Goldilocks zone.

I was too wired right now my head still hurts.

Damn I just want to chill out..


That's why the DOC (drug of choice) for these situations is marajuana.





Burn time pass time

Burn time pass time.




I need maybe a new job. I can't stand

Doing nothing



The only way through is to sneak a smoke with the vape pen



No one would know and I would be chill as a plant.



But overtime then what? The suppressed CNS will. Fight back.




U can't stay a plant forever. The transformation is transient.



That's why u need a steady job where u are actually in movement.



This department makes me aneurysm


Ffff... I need to get out.


Four more hours dude.



Just four more hours.

Diablo and boredom

Tried making an amazon. Got bored quickly.


Life is kind of boring right now.

I refused to interview with a third company because I knew I was running out of credit with my manager. I knew they would only be able to give one to two references at max.


I wanted to save that reference with the second body of agencies.


+

The third agency didn't end up calling me. I guess they wrote me off since I didn't hand in my paper work. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be.

+

Book on masonry. Is getting hard to read. So much conjecture. Or at least it's not easy to read in my current state of mind.

+

Life itself. I have some demonic influences that makes me fall. When I fall I want to resort to drugs. Yet I have such strong opposition in this household towards any drug use. A standstill.

+

Boredom. I was bored. Being sober, I could see and everything was better in a sense than being drunk or high. And yet. I live half a heart.

Im stuck between one plain and another. I don't know what to do. I am not interested in the things of life anymore. I am despondent.

Its because I had a taste of the high. What it felt like to be floaty. To just sit there and let time pass.


On my days off I am confused. I am quite confused.


I missed an interview today, somewhat on purpose.

I fell by the wayside too. And in my hurt I wished to be numb. But yet I have these barriers that prevent me from sinking.


Trying to drown myself in a puddle is pathetic.


+ + +

The chain that binds me, keeping me alive still. My safeguards were installed to tell me "here and no more."

These are my bounds.


You can't jump off a building if there are no highrises.

You can't overdose if there are no poisons

My bounds are like angels, restraining me from my own hurt.




My soul leaps towards the fire, only to find the flame barred.

I cannot scotch myself so easily.



When my wings fail to beat, an angel carries me in the air.


When my soul fails to strive, my bones strengthen my flesh.



Slipping into psychosis or confusion

But I am surrounded by signs and guidance



To remind me of who I am
And what it was that I was meant


And yet... I don't know the next steps.

All I see are bolted doors

Flower burning

BI's next album



Essentially when a flower burns, it produces a certain essence.


A secret, stigmatized smoke.




My wife hates it. She's developed such a prejudice against smoking weed.



Thanks to my father in law, who pretty much ruined it for all of us. What's his big issue? Well. Let's not get into it.


The start of the cycle is the white compass.




A demon in my mind

Fluttering.


Its that one demon who can't stand to be alone so it has to invite others inside.



And yet. If I also am delivered of such, what would be left?


These are mental gymnastics.





Lord what is your plan for me?
Jesus Christ, my God.

I wish to be set free. I don't know what's going to happen.

I don't know what will happen to my empty soul cage.



But I cannot tolerate the demon in my heart any longer.



Its creating a demino effect. One demon bringing in another demon.


Until my house is a party for Satan.





I can't live like this. Get them out lord.

Save me. Don't let me fall. Spare no sin or demon within me.


Though I falter, do not let me slip.



"I can't do it without you"



I know. I know that I need to be convinced of this. I am on the fence my lord. I don't know what to do.

Marred mind
Residual graphics
Memories from below


The scent of a flower burning


Five hundred hands pulling me into the darkness


And yet the steps are my own.



Life is a struggle my Lord. I don't know how to live

"trying my best"

Im quite pathetic god


But thanks

Thanks 1. U help me stay away from flower for one more day
2. U keep the splash damage at bay
3. I was able to solve
I) cc interview
Ii) paperwork for yearly job
Iii) ask all the right questions for my new agency
Iv) give 30k cheque back to inlaws
V) print all my paystubs
Vi) withdraw from contributions
Vii) send references for job 1/2
Viii) switch to part time
4) u kept me sober even through all the up and down bs




Lord I... I don't wanna fall back to the flower life
But I feel the seeds planting

The inevitable struggle

Like I am caught between two worlds.

I have one demon lord I want to hand over

It is the white compass



Please lord. The devil in me needs to die and expire. I pray that u save me truly.


Show me the fascination of life.


Let me learn to love reality and despise rejection.




I no longer want to reject reality. I want to love my life God. I don't want to be under the influence. I don't want to worship the devil.



God kill baphomet in me. I no longer wish to worship the devil.


Please keep me clean and keep my soul rooted in the reality of your spirit.



Keep me from deceit and believing and loving a fairytale.


I don't want to lust after the unreal. I don't want to be in fantasy anymore.



Bring me back to the truth.

Daggers

Growth

Thankfulness

Lost items

Piecing together togetherness

Liars

Deceivers

Jealousy

Mr beast

Hatred



Separation

Withdrawal

Monk state.



A well for others to drink

A well without water

A well that is spurned



Trampled over by swine.

As the proverb says, keep the good within



Keep my head down

Stealth

Do not let others know how much money you make



Do not flaunt your success

Count your blessings
Count your blessings


1. The food I cooked for my family
2. My mothers hard work (shop and prepare)
3. My peaceful relationships at home with my father and also my sister
4.the 30k cheques
5. The overtime shifts
6. All the errands I did
7. The turnout of the floors
8. My good relationship with my kids and my wifr
9. My references came through
10. I'm working the easier shifts tomorrow


With all this good. Why do I still feel unsettled?

Its the knives. The daggers of jealousy.




I need to stay low.
I need to be humble and
Offer many prayers of thanksgiving.
For my life is good
Thanks be unto God.


I pray for b00man
I pray for lolkggz
I pray for Cascadian and all the others
Christ deniers. Let their blood be on their own heads. The word has come to them. If it is in your will, save them. Have mercy upon them for they know not what they do.
In Jesus name,
Amen

I was antsy

Context.

I had been in my inlaws over in the suburbs for just over 24 hours.

I ate like a lot.

And I also slept. We did absolutely no work.





Morning now. I am out for a walk. I can hardly tolerate this lifestyle.



All that sugar goes in and for what?



I feel like my sugar levels are high, but yet my body has no work available (at least something that truly motivate me, such as fixing my own house in the city).


This bothered me tremendously. I needed some sedating drugs to continue living this sort of lifestyle. Be it alcohol or weed.


I know these whites in the suburbs get their drink on. I know they get drunk and high and just sit around doing absolutely nothing.





I can't tolerate life here. Luckily I'll be leaving tomorrow.





I like being back home.

I actually enjoy renovations.



Do I do it for money? Somewhat. It's nice to have a financial drive behind the work.



But ultimately I believe renovations to be the ultimate combination of mental work and also physical work.



I haven't been keeping my suga r levels in check


I've also gained a lot of weight without gaining too much muscle.

This was not my abode.



This was a temporary heaven that I had to endure.



Its ironic that in such a blissful and commonly covetee environment, I would wish to be sent back home to my work.




That's life.


You either work


Or you do drugs.

Real results

I still felt the innate growth of the seed.
Yet if I provide no water. Haha
And no sunlight haaaa
The seed can't be too strong.

All thats left to confuse me is merely boredom.
Boredom. Laziness. A lack of willpower.
These natural infirmities.

I finally found a way to restore innocence
Thanks be unto God!

Now whatever will I do? I may want to play d2 in a public space. It sounds boring but what else can I expect? Do I have any better suggestions?

Never engage in boring activity. That just leaves an opening for the enemy. Do something truly fun, whatever that is.

Stirring.

I feel odd.

Despite everything falling into place.



A couple things set my teeth on edge.



1) the unfinished floors of the second floor
2) the unfinished office
3) the unfinished bathroom downstairs



I just feel uneasy about the next step. Like I felt uneasy about everything else.


Even though he has guided me this far.


I can't explain it. Maybe it was something I ate.

There are black boxes ahead of me. But I'm not the same as I used to be, right?





I feel like I am arriving, God.

Honestly none of this would make sense if we didn't finish the last few steps.



I am tired of an incomplete picture.


As a self help guru once said: "you are already struggling, you might as well get something out of it."



That's true lord.


How long have I been a pathetic beggar before your eyes?




Now alas, a door is opened..


I may not be comfortable, but at least I'm getting closer to financial freedom.


It brings me back to my principle prayer


" Lord I have no money"


Now the lord has given me money.
And he has given me ways to make even more money.



Yet... I still have to go out and get the money. The money isn't in the pocket yet.



What would you have me do for you?
I wish to stop worrying. I wish to believe that I will walk a blessed path.


I won't be late.
I won't miss any documents.
I won't forget my badge.
I won't fail.

Im so timid lord.

So disorganized. I can't see the promised land

Office

The lord has given me a cordless nail gun.

Indeed, one of the best!



He has given me a few friends like Wal and gear.

They both taught me how to take my finances to the next level.



What's more, you wiped away many of my doubts by helping me through robbhc and sbd.



Im so happy.

I am so happy that I can't just point to one person and say they helped me. They provided puzzle pieces and partial guidance.


But lord, it was you that knitted the picture together.



I am what I am today
And I will be what I am in one year
Or even ten years
Because of your love, your mercy, and your very real presence.



Wal didn't save me.
Gear didn't.

In fact they probably were resistant to helping me.



But lord you took their wisdom and you shared it with me. Me who had no friends you taught me from scratch. Like a vermin I found my way in. I survived by the scraps and now I am almost fat.




Me who had no experience in renovations.

Me who had no connections

Me who had no friends and have even lost my one friend.



You taught me how to do all things.



You gave me a name.
And children
And taught me how to behave.

You taught me how to be sober.
You taught me how to be a husband
You taught me how to be faithful

You taught me how to be a good father
How to be a good son

You taught me how to run electrical wires
You taught me how to build lights
You taught me how to work in every department.
Every specialty.


You taught me how to be afraid
How to try new things
And how to weasle my way through discomfort

You taught me how to be brave

Because of you Lord,
I am a force to be reckoned with,

Though I have not much,
I have what you have given me and taught me.


I have the sky as a covering
The night for shade
The ground for my wanderings




You have set me apart Lord,
I see it and I believe it.

I shine like a bright gem, only shining brighter by each day.




Lord I will prepare an office.
I will keep my notes organized.
I will be a good steward of your gifts.


Maybe finally my house will be lifted up from the ashes.
With your mercy and your light on my soil
My house will be restored
And my soul made fat


Blessed be the name of the Lord
His son will I praise all the days of my life.
Blessed be the holy one Jesus Christ.

Amen