I forgot a good dream by neglecting this diary, but at least I remember this one...

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Had a dream where Chris had bought this device that allows one or more people to enter someone's dream (basically the technology in Inception).

Chris invited Zach and Brandon to join him in visiting me in one of my dreams. However, while the two of them decided to join just to fuck with me, Chris was there with a greater purpose in mind.

The three of them basically teleported into my dream all at once in a scene reminiscent of The Enterprise beaming people down. Zach and Brandon immediately ran off and began frolicking all over the place with their arms flailing around like madmen or angry chimps.

Chris just stood still and looked around. The scene looked like a jungle from one of those corny cartoon shows for kids (looked a lot like Froopyland from Rick & Morty: https://i.redd.it/wmz8st67qgoz.png ). Chris took some notes on a notepad.

I felt violated and angry that the three of them would trespass in my dream space. I demanded that Chris tell me what he was doing here. He explained that he was going to observe my dreams, record them on paper as a script, and then sell this information to Hollywood, making him rich.

I told him that I didn't consent to this, and that what he was doing was stealing. Chris said that none of that mattered though. Calm and confident, he told me that there was nothing I could do about it anyway. Not only could I not affect him in the dream space, but I would just forget everything from my dream anyway, meaning I couldn't stop him irl because I wouldn't remember it.

And he was right: I dreamed my dream within a dream (something about a robbery on a cruise ship—I don't remember most of it, but I do remember this girl I knew in HS got shot and left blood all over a window. It was probably similar to Oceans 11), and Chris recorded it all while I went on dreaming as normal.

This post was edited by Terps on Jun 26 2020 02:10pm

Had a dream the night before a job interview in which my mustache and beard were cut very badly. Like there was a random diagonal part shaved across my lip. It was as if someone had shaved me in my sleep, possibly to sabotage me in my interview (ironically my mask would just cover all that these days). Typical anxiety dream.

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Had a dream in which my mom saw a grey Toyota Highlander on Craigslist that she really wanted. She barely even drives IRL and doesn't know or care about cars, so this was totally out of character. She threw a crying tantrum once my dad told her he wasn't going to buy it.

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Had a dream in which I went to a store and received some change. Among the change was a dime that was covered in wax. The wax was really dingy from being handled. Eventually I decided to pick off the wax and see what it looked like. Turned out it was some special dime that was not meant for circulation. The wax kept it in near mint condition, so it was worth like $6000. I went to Soethby's rich people auction to sell it. I don't remember if I got my money.

There was some kind of subplot where I had to evade people who wanted to steal my dime, plus I think my ownership was being challenged by the government, which was claiming the dime as stolen property.

This post was edited by Terps on Jul 14 2020 09:11am

Had a dream where I was at the gym working out like old times. I went to the locker room after I was done, and I noticed that they had this special section just for weabs. The floor mat and lockers were designed with all of these repulsive anime waifus. I must not have noticed it when I placed my things in the locker, but now that I was retrieving my possessions out of the locker, I was embarrassed and concerned that fellow gym members might think I was disgusting weab filth.

Also in that dream, some friends at the gym were egging me on to join them in throwing tennis balls at the women inside the gym. I didn't like being peer-pressured into doing something that I knew would get me in trouble, but I also wanted my bros to respect me, so I threw one. Then I quickly went inside the men's locker room so no one else would see it was me.

I'm not sure if this was the same dream, but I came home and the freezer was full of frothy, frozen coca-cola. My mom, who basically has mild Alzheimer's, for some reason dumped coke into the freon system, which caused the freezer to foam up with soda suds. (I know this doesn't make sense mechanically but that's what happened).

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In a dream I had last night, I went to a street festival where everyone was drinking and wearing costumes. I was mingling, but it was like navigating a mine field because basically no one wanted to social distance, and there were practically no masks. I was dressed up as colonial Mr. Bean ( https://images3.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED393/57226239efd08.jpeg ).

One street performer had a game set up that was similar in spirit to the dunk tank game, only instead of the contestant throwing a ball and dunking the performer, the contestant would spit their beer and try to infect the performer with COVID-19. I watched as drunken contestants would, one by one, sip their beers and spit at the performer, but I was wondering how anyone would know which spittle finally did the trick. I was thinking that if they gave me a try, I'd spit my beer into a fine mist into the air, which would probably be pretty effective, although I guess this presupposes that I have COVID, which I might not. Anyway, I eventually got bored of watching and navigated carefully around the event, which didn't go well because I got some beer spittle on me.

At some point I ran into Zach with his cadre of friends. They were all dressed up as people from comedy movies that we like. One of Zach's friends was dressed up like Rob Riggle from Step Brothers, and I told Zach that he should have dressed up like Rob Riggle too, since I thought he sort of looked like him anyway. Instead, Zach was dressed up at Luke Wilson's character from Anchorman, which was kind of obscure and poorly executed. Zach agreed with me though, and suddenly he and all of his friends looked like Rob Riggle. I was having a difficult time speaking with Zach, since he was kind of drunk, and while I kept backing up to maintain a 6-foot distance, Zach kept getting closer and speaking enthusiastically and excitedly in such a way that would expel spittle all over me, which made me nervous since I just assumed he has COVID from being a nurse and from being generally careless about social distancing. Put off by Zach's garrulousness, spittle, and overall carelessness, I went my separate way.

The festival started to clear out at around 4am. Everyone was leaving in really unique ways: go-carts, sweet motorcycles, dragsters, other unique vehicles. I stayed up past sunrise. I was somehow using ice skates to shred the city-scape like a pair of rollerblades. I was hanging out with some black friends doing pro-skater stuff around the city. We were trying to be rebellious in a BLM sort of way, sticking it to the man by skating where we shouldn't.

At some point I found myself being chased by police. I eluded them and came back to my apartment, but I realized something was amiss. Someone was trying to rob me while I was out. I confronted the thief and demanded he tell me what he was doing inside my apartment. He said he was planning to kill me and steal my IRA.

Had a dream where I was in my shitting chair, only instead of shitting inside like usual, I was parked outside, like between the garden and the pear tree, where any neighbors could possibly see me.

At some point I fell backwards, and the chair fell with me, spilling warm, moist turds all over me. I tried to avoid them spilling all over me, but there was nothing I could do.

I asked my dad for help. I just wanted him to help me back into my chair. Instead, he lifted my body up off the ground and held me in the air, his arms perfectly straight, holding me at the apex of his reach. Then he walked over to the tool shed and set my torso on top of the roof—his reasoning being that it would be easier to set me back into the chair if I was up high. This didn't really seem necessary though, since if he could do all of that work, then why not just help me back into my chair by expending considerably less effort. Plus, in reality, my dad is actually pretty frail right now because he's post-chemo, so the act of him lifting me into the air was not only shocking but unnerving, as I expected him to drop me at any time.

Anyway, I guess I eventually went back into my shitting chair, though to be honest I can't remember if I ever actually finished the dream.

Had a dream where the kitchen counter was covered with ants (that's actually just the way it is). To address the problem, I put out this thick, sugary, syrupy ant poison, which was meant to kill them by having the scouts carry the poison back to the queen, killing the colony at the source. (look up Terro ant poison)

Anyway, I dropped some on the counter, but there were so many ants that it disappeared within seconds. I was globbing like entire cups of poison onto the counter, and the ants were swarming it instantly.

In addition, the ants were growing instantly. Their heads were about the size of cherries. And you could see through them because their bodies were mostly liquid. They glowed like amber stones.

Eventually the ants would eat so much liquid that their heads would explode, so I guess that was how the poison was supposed to work in the dream.

Backlog incoming:

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Had a dream where I was hanging out with the fellas. I think we were at the Harford Mall (who even goes there these days?). I asked everyone to wait up because I had to take a shit, so I went inside the bathroom.

I got on the toilet and started having non-stop diarrhea, like a running faucet. After a minute or so, this gave way to soft-serve. I was shitting non-stop, producing so much shit that it was reaching the brim and displacing toilet water onto the floor. I tried to lift myself up a bit just to avoid getting my ass cheeks all shitty from the rapidly accumulating mound of brown snakes.

The shitting eventually stopped, so I stood up. However, looking in the mirror, I noticed that my anus was now badly prolapsed. My intestines hung down almost to the floor, dangling like an elephant's trunk or a wind sock. Weird part was that the wall of the intestine was not pink and fleshy like you'd expect. Instead, it was the consistency of regular old skin like what you'd find on your arm or leg. Although I was alarmed by my prolapsed colon, the skin-like quality of my rectum set my mind at ease. I felt like I could just tuck my prolapsed colon into the leg of my jeans and go about like normal, getting things checked out by a doctor later on when it was convenient.

Refocusing my attention to the mound of shit, it was impossible to flush, so I just wiped my ass in a different stall, flushed the toilet paper, and left the bathroom like nothing had happened. The guys were mildly annoyed that I made them wait for so long, but we went about our way like normal, laughing and having a good time.

This actually reminds me of a time when I was a teenager at HCC: I took one long, giant, unbroken shit in a toilet and then wiped in a different stall, leaving an immaculate tree-trunk of a turd in the bowl for the next person to admire. It was an 8am class so someone was bound to see it.

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Had a dream where I finally got my Tesla Model Y and brought it home. It still needed hand controls, however, so I couldn't drive it yet. In the meantime, my dad was driving my car around dangerously fast. He was driving it on rough gravel and dirt roads like an off-road racing vehicle. Not only did it piss me off because he was abusing my new car, but I was also scared of dying because I was in the passenger's seat. At one point he took this inward-slanting curve that was so steep, it could only be taken quickly to avoid crashing. Go too slow, and the vehicle would tip over into the water at the bottom of the curve. He made it though the curve, but had he crashed into the water my car would have been totaled. I dived out of the moving vehicle while my dad drove off.

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Had a zombie apocalypse dream (not sure why I have so many of these). The apocalypse was a few years old, so things were mostly deserted.

I don't remember a lot of details, but one thing I do remember is searching a grocery store for food. There wasn't much left, but there were several boxes of cereal. However, for some reason all of the boxes were open, as if someone had made one bowl of cereal from each box and then just left the rest of it open on the shelf. This really pissed me off because it was absurdly wasteful and rude to everyone else looking for food. Plus, I reasoned that it was unsafe to eat open boxes of cereal because of some lesson I had learned in cub scouts, so I erred on the side of caution and declined to consume the open boxes of cereal.

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Had a dream where I had to interview Patrick Mahomes. I worked for a local college newspaper, so I kind of had to do it. I really didn't want to, but I knew it would launch my writing career, so I did it anyway.

Making things complicated, Kansas City was experiencing severe flooding—we're talking city streets submerged under 10 feet of water. After wading through rushing water and debris for several miles, I finally made it to where Mahomes was located. He was surprisingly indifferent to the massive flooding that was seriously endangering his life. Nevertheless, I was asking him the usual interview questions, and he was answering them respectfully and candidly, giving me a lot to write about.

Mid-interview, Mahomes became caught in a massive 50-ft whirlpool, which was sucking down everything in its gyre: cars, light poles, trash, humans. I was standing on top of a brick wall, so I was safe. As Mahomes was being flushed down the whirlpool like a turd caught in a toilet, he was still politely answering my interview questions as best he could between gasps for air. I thanked him for his time and candor right before he was sucked down into the depths, likely drowning to death. I wrote my newspaper article, which got me an A.

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I've had several work anxiety dreams since my new job—the ones where you're working in your dreams. I hate those because they're not the least bit fun or interesting, and I'm not getting paid to work in my dreams.

Had another zombie apocalypse dream.

It was pretty typical stuff. The zombie apocalypse had been around for a year or two, so it was becoming the new norm, kind of like the middle seasons of TWD.

There was a group of survivors who lived in a nice community with McMansions close together. They would survive by making noise and keeping the lights on in one particular house, which was like the lightning rod home that kept all of the other nearby homes safe from zombies.

There was one man in charge of making the noise. He would go to/from the sacrificial house via underground tunnel. He was kind of like their leader. After making enough noise, he would go back through the tunnel and join everyone else for canned food.

Conflict arose when Jerry Jones, owner of the now nonexistent Dallas Cowboys, found out about the community. In the post-apocalyptic world, Jerry Jones had evolved into a tyrannical slum-lord. Jerry threatened to destroy the entire community if the people of the area didn't surrender all of their property. Jerry would then let the survivors live on his property for a monthly fee.

The community of survivors rebuked Jerry Jones' threats, so Jerry Jones followed up by sending a military helicopter in to destroy the lightning rod house. The leader made it out of the house and into the secret tunnel just in time to avoid being blown up. Wooden shrapnel and building materials went flying in the explosion. Several zombies were blown apart as well, but hundreds more still remained.

The leader who was in the house was now exposed, as the blast had caved in the tunnel, opening it to the surface. He could not proceed through the tunnel to the safe house, but he could escape through the now open ceiling. The problem was that the zombies were no longer occupied by loud noises, so the man had to elude zombies to escape. All of the other townsfolk could only watch from the other homes as the man tried to avoid being bitten. The fates of the other people were similarly fucked, as now they had no way of distracting the zombies from sealing them in their own homes.

Idk how the dream ended.

This post was edited by Terps on Sep 26 2020 10:15pm

Had a dream where I was doing some cleaning and discovered a half-eaten strawberry cream pie hidden in the bathroom closet among all of the towels. It surprised me at first, but then I remembered buying it about 6 months ago and hiding it there so only I could eat it. But I had forgotten about it. Now it was badly decomposed and dripping rancid dairy and rotten fruit liquids. It smelled like sour milk.

I tried to transport the remnants over to the kitchen without it leaking, but I did a terrible job and dripped rancid liquids all over the floor. My dream was spent cleaning up this terrible mess while enduring the terrible smells.

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Had a dream where I was walking in the yard and noticed some Robin's eggs (the malted milkball confectionary) just scattered in the grass and soil. I thought to myself "what are some perfectly good milk balls doing here? Chris would love these." So I picked them out of the grass and leaves, wiped off the soil and debris, and put them into a little plastic baggie for Chris.

Then I noticed there were DnD dice strewn among the milk balls. I thought it was peculiar, wondering how or why perfectly good dice would be here. So I started picking those out of the grass and soil until I recognized some of the dice as Chris's "cheese" dice. I thought he'd be thrilled to know that I had found his dice, so I surprised him by showing him the dice I had found. However, instead of being excited and appreciative, he looked them over critically and then complained that they were weathered and in poor condition. I thought to myself: "well it's your fault for losing them in the first place," but I just let him complain for several minutes without voicing my opinion.

Had a dream where I was at a nerdy game store perusing their wares: DND minis, dice, books, other nerd shit.

After some time browsing quietly, I walked to the next aisle and came across an old man in a leather trench coat. Kind of gothic/emo. I ignored him at first, but then I looked at his face and realized it was Patrick Stewart. I was so excited. I was starstruck. I tried to tell him how much I loved his work by reeling off my favorite shows and movies that he'd been in, but for some reason I could only mention Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind and Dune before having that thing where you can't talk in your dream, or you can only talk like a retard. Anyway, I couldn't even get to mention Star Trek or X-Men because my mouth went retarded.

Mr. Stewart politely acknowledged my gratitude but was clearly bothered by my awkward mannerisms and way of speaking, so he tried to sidle away and go back to browsing, avoiding engaging me in sustained conversation.

This post was edited by Terps on Oct 15 2020 07:27am

I had a dream where I was looking at antique project cars to fix up and sell. Not a remarkable dream for anyone reading this, but it felt nice to be fixing cars again.

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Had a dream where I was back in college. I was attending a class that was teaching students how to order food at Wendy's.

There were two parts to the lesson. The first was ordering through the drive through, while the second part was ordering in-store.

For the first part, the teacher instructed us on how to stay within the drive-through lane when ordering food. I messed up this part pretty badly, as I gassed it uncontrollably, hopped the curb/median strip, and went all the way out onto the road outside of the Wendy's parking lot. As an aside, I actually saw the Nissan 300zx that I owned in HS while I was driving, which was cool to see. Anyway, I eventually wound up driving into a department store (like a Sears). I didn't crash through a wall, but I did accidentally drive through the delivery bay around back, which left me parked in the clothing section. I didn't know how to back out without crashing into clothes displays.

Somehow I ended back up at the Wendy's. This time we were being instructed on how to order food in-store. I was pretty nervous that I might mess up, but I did my best to read the menu in a reasonable amount of time and order the numbers I wanted to eat. I paid for my food, got the change right. Then when I was done the cashier stuck out his hand to congratulate me with a handshake for placing my order successfully. I reacted without thinking, immediately shaking his hand. But it was a trick: the cashier was actually the professor of the course playing the role of cashier, and he had tricked me into messing up the ordering process. You're not supposed to shake the cashier's hand. It's unusual, and it's not safe social distancing. I was frustrated with myself, since I was practically in the clear for passing the test, plus I had completely bombed the drive-through test, but I felt confident that I would get it right the next time.