Dying to die

I had what seemed like an ultra productive day today.

I feel like I did all the right moves.

I went where I thought God ought me to go.

I spoke to God throughout and prayed.


I even went for a friend that was no longer. Like a fallen branch we are no longer intertwined.


I did what I thought was God's work today. I thought I applied myself. But my heart was bitter, Lord.




I felt the bitterness of losing a limb. Grief is like the night tide, drifting and then covering more than just the shore of my isles.


I felt enveloped. I felt a deep loss.


I am a tree with no branches. I have lost many brothers and many friends. Most of the severing had been mutual.




How to you feel about growing more branches again, only to lose them further down the road?



Hope? Expectation? A reasonable distance I built around me.


Rejection. Shame. Loneliness. Unworthiness. These were the demons obscuring my light.



And there is judgmentalism. Bitterness. Great fear that presents as chill and poise.


I have somehow managed to convince myself that I am content as a tree trunk without branches.



What good am I, oh God?

Even the demons have no place to rest.



Clinical depression and disappointment. Signs and voices directed towards death.



I am not medicated. I am sober.

Anger and bitterness swell. Hatred and resentment.




Confusion.


A tree without branches. Where is the silver lining? Encouragement is like a bitter medicine.


I will not die. I will not yield my members unto demons and spirits.

Confusion. Bitterness. Resentment. pain. Envy. The name of manifold birds that stir above me.


I have been told, I bear no light.
I have been told, I have no fruit.



I have been told, truths and lies.

But the Lord speak, and his voice shall I hear and obey.



Scatter ye birds. For the Husbandman pruneth that which he loves.

I will not die.

The vulnerability

My right leg itches


My fingers twitch.



My eyes encounter



Resistance.
Tension.
And a rejection of foolishness



External waves
Tides that knock on my shores.



I will not yield


For I am a branch that beareth fruit.


The same he pruneth.


My eyes were not meant to prey



My body was not meant to constrict.



My hands are his hands.


My words are his words.



Let kindness flow.

Let forgiveness abound.



Love covers all things.



Forsake all common sense
Forsake the algorithm



Follow after Christ.


My eyes are his eyes.

Heal my mind, father.


Show me what clean is.

Wash me, in the river of your blood



Under a full moon.

Let me be drenched


A baptism and a rebaptism


Overwhelm me with forward.


Delete the middle and past.




Clean me as a brand new garment that has never been worn.




Seal my mind

Inlaws are coming over this morning.

I am annoyed




Also my daughters favorite kids show is so damn annoying and unfunny.


I secretly seethe everytime that dumb show makes a dumb joke and all the characters start laughing together.



I really hate that show and I sense some demon of anger brewing.




Lack of sleep.

Allergies.

Pressure of having to entertain people.





There is no optimism.


Just anger and resentment

Forgiveness and hatred

I sometimes feel an incredible sense of hatred towards:

1) bin
2) ell
3) why
4) bis
5) key
6) van


My goodness the list is exhaustive


I hold many grudges and I make new grudges daily.



I find almost all things insulting.



It's like I'm a tax collector trying to get the money back from people who owe me or have offended me.

Meanwhile God is trying to forgive me of my debt, of which I owe a lot.

How much do I owe you God?



What's my balance? How short am I?




It depends man. Are you a serial killer? Are you exceedingly sinful?


I haven't been sinning as much lately.



But I remember when I did sin, God I sank deep to a point where an anchor would get choked out.

I went down to the trenches and my feet still couldn't touch the bottom.

I almost lost it all God.



I almost went down an ungoable path.


I almost came to ruin in the midst of the whole assembly.





I almost lost everything, so many times.



And yet I am here. I am surrounded by good things although I should have been cancelled and crucified.



My shame is deep.


The Lord has hidden my folly.
So shall I conceal the matter among my peers.




Father if you hide my sins.
I will also let go of those who have interacted with me negatively.




If you erase my shame.
I am willing to believe that no man has offended me.



I was there, Lord.
In the pit.
In the cold and slippery mud.


I was there.

Allergies

Profoundness and

Trying to make sense of everything, every mistake


Trying to find a silver lining in everything



Trying to rationalize chaos



Trying to explain failure




No.


Absolutely not.




Letting go means letting go of analysis.



Letting go means foregoing reflection.



Letting go means allowing chaos and defeat



Sometimes there is absolutely nothing to be learned, at least not for me.



Bad things happen.



That's what the period is there for.




The most important part of that sentence is the punctuation.



Accepting means accepting the period at the end of the sentence.




Its over.

Valence

Sway

Strategies

Promises and programming




A bird caught in the net

A bird without wings



Glory

Shining

Fire and flies



A spiritual gift

Is something you ask for

And receive whole heartedly



A spiritual gift could be an answer

To something you just can't answer



I wish to opt out

I prefer constancy over valence

Constraint rather than fluidity



Muted rather than to dazzle

Rain rather than sunshine



Glory belongs to Christ.

Get me out of my own way

So that I can serve you wholeheartedly


Quelle my stirring

And seal my substance within



Im Jesus name,
Amen

Feeling sealed

I feel quite subdued today.

I think that's what subdued means. Quiet reflective depressed

Yeah sounds about right.





What happened.

Why do I feel particularly unhappy today.

What?

Neah. See i woke up in the middle of the night, watched some tv, ate some cereal and slept.


It was hard for me to wake up again in the morning. I felt tired.


I guess we can chalk it all up to some fatigue huh....


I don't feel bad, don't get me wrong. I just feel sort of...


Well I haven't had breakfast yet. I'll eat up this large chilli and see how we do. Esp with a large coffee too.

N some. Television

Earthwinds forming

Altered aesthetics

Desperation for organization

Sorting for the sake of sorting the mind



Earthwinds janking

Neither tight nor loose

Neither cold nor hot



The ineptitude of autumn

Where the outdoors is too chilly

And the indoors is too contained


Jacket weather

Sweater moods

And the nakedness of a t shirt

Speed

Turntness

Overwinding beyond capacity


Winded back and winded up

Firing each second to nothing




Ready to pounce but no prey


Fi Fi Fi fire Fi Fi Fu fire

Ready sego

Go




And this is why people use.


This is why I used to use.

Gambling

Toxicity

Hope in nothing




Getting closer to the edge

I am not sure where to invest my capital




Unhappy

Stuck

Resentful

Unfollowed and uninterested


Dividing what is already divided.


Satan's all around me



A tree without fruit

A false oasis


An everyday reminder of soured grapes

Nigh inedible


Death is again enticing


Falling through the cracks is better than compression on both sides


Hunger versus disappointment


Resentment versus abandonment



Entrapment versus


My greatest enemy is my expectation


To live well is to live as a corpse