The stress of wanting


I remeber

Dear reader


Let me be perfectly honest



I Remember a time when

I used to hear my own voice in my head

A male voice much like my own



It coulda been my own voice for all I know

I didnt agree with it


He asked me if I ever wanted to kill myself



Im not sure why but sometimes that voice comes back

Sounds just like me



But I know it ain't.

The stress of wanting



I realized that voice only made sense when I wanted something.


Its the anxiety and uncertainty of wanting something that makes me want to end it all.

End it all? Like suicide? I think it's the seed of suicide planted in the mind.


With enough water and sunlight that seed can lead to true suicide.





But it stems from...wanting.



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Took me a while to get here but I think I realize what I wanted.


I wanted my wife to be a certain way.

I didn't want control over much else.



I felt like it was my right to have some level of control over my wife and kids.



Its that wanting that eats me up.


"hey man, it's perfectly normal to want to set things in order"

Its perfectly normal to want to be the leader and do things your way.



But it's that same desire that creates chaos within me.




Let go of control

He told me.




Let go of wanting, even the most basic things.


Love and submission from your wife?

You are not entitled to that.




Obedient children? Deny yourself of entitlement.



An orderly household? Let go of all of that.



Respect from colleagues? Let go of it.



Friendships


Respect from your wife.


Basic respect and love from your wife.





Im entitled to that, right? She's half of me. For two shall be made one.


Neah.


My son, let go of all thy wants.


Even the most basicest of wants.


Human respect? Let go of it.


Marriage expectations? Let go of it.


A Christian nuclear family? Let go of it.


Reduce yourself to the basest of things.



That is what it means to be consecrated.





Let go of all you have, including your wife and kids, and parents. And all basic human entitlements.



Hold on to one thing.

The Lord, Jesus Christ.



Everythibg else I count as loss.

Have you ever wanted?

Smell of old cat urine

In the chaos sometimes cats can get stressed and confused

They mistaken loose clothing or linens as their toilet




So probably one of my cats pissed on my work pants.


So yeah luckily I got another pair in the car.


But for now,

I smell like week old cat piss.





I pray to Jesus that no one noticed.


I need to go to the car and change asap.



This is my biggest issue today.


Thanks be unto Jesus Christ the lord.
Amen

Not a coincidence

What spiritual lesson can I derive from this incident?


The cat urine could represent the dilapidation and chaos from my household and personal relationships.


When I put on this pants it looked beautiful.



Actually no it didn't. It made my legs look shorter but.


The whole point is.... I put on a pair of pants without fully inspecting them





For 1) visual defects
2) odor defects



My carelessness lead to my wearing pants that are covered in cat urine.



The stinkiness of it
The lowliness of it
The secretive Ness of it
The shame of it


It might be funny but not when Ur wearing them.



To smell like cat piss. And to remain in that filth.

Why would anyone want to remain in filth?




Cast away thy garments
Put away all superfluity of filthiness and naughtiness

Receive the engrafted word which is able to save your soul.



Put aside filth my son.

The filth on your pants





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My son I have given you new pants.

But your underwear still smells like cat piss.





I said unto the lord.

Lord you have given me the fresh scent of orange

And beautiful new pants.


The lord has covered my filthiness


And hidden my shame.


Jesus Christ's name,
Amen.

I'm here again at the river

I don't really have much to ask lord.



Last night I decided that if I let go of all my "wants" to control

Then I'll not be upset or downcast.




However. I am here by the river again. I have not much to ask.


I can be honest.



I don't feel much happiness or joy right now.


I suck the energy out of the room.


I can hardly entertain a joke.




I am sober.

Im here at my favorite place.

I can hear the water. Feel the wind. See the sun and enjoy the shade.



This place, in my mind, is one of the best places.

And yet I find little joy.



If my joy can be measured it should be low.
If my stress can be measured it should be low.


Im not doing poorly but I lack happiness.



I feel off

My request:

Its funny.. Ish not really tho.
I have a prayer blog but i'mma write this prayer here

When I was at the river I asked for one thing.


To be content.



I realized the low point.

My being at the river. Unable to feel joy or happiness or sadness.


I felt nothing there. To be honest, I would rather feel sad than to feel nothing.



But I realized. What I felt there at the river. Although I felt nothing... It was enough for me.


God said to me that this is where it's at.


The feeling I felt (nothingness) was enough for me.



I had to be content with just that.


To be content with the feeling of absolute nothingness.




That was my prayer to Jesus.



Solomon asked for wisdom.

I ask for contentment.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Contentment and studies.


First things first.

Put on your cross.

Follow after Jesus.

Be content with little to nothing.





Step 2

Study. God will show you what to study. The lord has put upon my heart to study his word. This is also good for me.


I will be content with little to nothing.
I will take up my cross each day
And listen to the good Sheppard

For thou art majestic and thy creation also.
Thou art wonderful beyond feeling

Even in numbness
You reign

Even in silence
You speak

Not wanting.

Contentment.

How's that working out for me?




To be honest it is good.

I remember telling myself throughout the day


1) I am a worm
2) I am weak
3) I am small
4) I am disposable




This is good. Those may sound like negative traits.


But the lord uses those who are foolish.

God hates people with a proud look.
He says, do not be high minded. Do not plan out your vacations. Do not say to others, I will do this or that.

For all such is loser talk. If Ur gonna do something, then do it, and only if it is according to God's will.


If the Lord wills for me to wake up tomorrow and go to work, then I will.



You cannot guarantee anything. Do not be entitled either.


My colleague arrived and started chitchatting rather than relieving me of my post.


But I am a worm, remember? I cannot be broken further. I will take no offense. The lord is the one who settles the debt.




I cannot be offended lord, for I am a worm. I am a dead dog. A flea. A rat. The despised and abased of the world.



I am small.

I am smashed up like the potters vessel.




I am broken and I cannot understand damage.



That is what it means to take up the cross and

Deny yourself.

For those who have read up to this point from page one...

Hi


Today I woke up beside my family.

Blessed be the name of the Lord most high



His name is worthy of repetition and never grows old, even for all of eternity.


Praise ye heavens,
Praise ye earth,
Praise ye hell, demon, and damned


Praise the Lord who has no other name except


Jesus Christ

In the days of burden

To remain sober

And upright

In a perverse generation.

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The troubles of day one

Are the same as the troubles today.

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This generation is not more evil than previous.

Atrocities we have committed greater before.

Mankind has suffered temptation since the beginning.

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He said there is nothing new.

New devices and wicked inventions

All play upon our original susceptibility.

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For the things that tempt us

The subtilty that entices us

Are not new

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They were of old

And these burdens are not new

You are not alone.

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Men of old, men of renown

Our very own fathers and patriarchs

Adam himself and every godly man

Suffereth the same blood

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These burdens are not unique to you

Or your time

Nothing has tempted you beyond your capacity to bear

So.

Do not say "it is difficult. The times are difficult."

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There is no new temptation under the sun.

Only new gimmicks

The coding beneath

Has never changed.