No prophecy is of private interpretation

Come to church and




He said he wanted to see me clean and sober

My mother asked me the same and

Also my mother



Professional counselling or psychiatric doctors

Get professional help.


Keep trying until you qualify and earn a diagnosis.

Now you are working.



Did you just want to speak to someone? Neah no.

But since you told me to get professional help I'll do it.



And of going to church.

I'll go. For a year.


I have to get clean and stay clean.




Not for my brother.


But because I have to go to church.


The audit becomes deeper.




The city on a hill. The church.




My brother wishes good things for me.

I took no offense to it.




He wanted to see me with self control.



And he wanted to see me in church.



What else? Is that all?

For now that would be good.



Step 1> seek professional help
Step 2> don't miss church



I shook on it

Don't go to church high

And...



More and more demands on the sinner.

Get clean, your thoughts are jittery.



He wanted to see me happy.

What if I was already happy.



I made a promise to go to church for one year

And to seek professional help and stick with it for one year.



This may seem like a triple post but I have to make sure I didn't miss anything.

If you love him

You will listen to him




Go to church for one year.

Seek professional help for one year.




In Jesus name,

Amen

The star that swam in the ocean tonight

You may not speak English but I saw you tonight.



If a man walks in the day he will be safe.

If a man walks in the night his feet will stumble.



I went to the river again,

Where the water moves upon the rocks.


I lay there, on my usual spot.


It was almost 0300 am


Yes I heard of UFOs and aerial phenomenon



But I have never seen it personally.



+



Today I believe I saw a UFO.

Was I completely sober at the time? No.




My son, what did you see?


I saw a star moving in the sky, the way a sperm would move with the intention of penetrating an egg.


The earth is the egg

The star is the angel

It seemed as if the star had limited intelligence in how it moved and probed against the membrane of the earth


The firmament.



The star chose to move before 0300, demon hour.




What else occurred? I saw flashes. These were flashes in heaven that occurred shorter than the duration of lightning.


The flashes didn't last as long as lightning did, but I saw the light cover the entire sky for a milisecond.


This happened at least twice in the span of a minute.





The star stopped moving and then it was moving again.


It was difficult for me to tell if it was the clouds moving or my eyes playing tricks on me.



I saw one star that stayed static. It was the brightest star and it moved not.



The star that did move was not the brightest star.



It moved around like a sperm darting around in the water if the sky

I made a v with the index and middle finger and closed my right eye to track the position of the star.


It is abnormal for the star to move that quickly in the sky, and also with such a strange movement pattern.



I uttered the words "Lord Jesus, what is that?" "Jesus Christ what is that?"



That's when I saw the flashes.



But the star was up there. And it did move to and fro, like a serpent

Treasures and gifts



Give poison and receive poison

Give water and be refreshed



Art thou a healing presence?

Or is there sediment in your waters?



How can a fountain bring forth fresh water and salt water?

You are supposed to be the rain that falls upon the desert

Quencheth the thirst of those who you encounter.



Yet Lord, you said I am the salt of the earth...

I am supposed to have flavor



How can my gospel be truthful and palatable at the same time?

For my light is hidden under a bushel



Remove me lord

And set me upon a hill.

Blessings

At times like this I used to bless myself.

I used to smoke some weed or vape pen.



I would bless myself because I felt bad.

Feeling bad is a vague reason and can be too easily applied to any situation.




The truth is, I had no self control.


Anger.
Conflicts with family members and wife.
Lust and pornography
Weed and vape pen



I just did whatever I felt like.


I just felt bad all the time.


I chalked it up to some kind of stress or... Depression... Or guilt or shame of not being able to adhere to a sinless perfection.


Sin made me upset and depressed.

The more I wanted to resist sin, it seemed like slipping up became that much more of a big deal.



I was sinning all the time. Couldn't help myself. So I started feeling bad and worse still. The drugs helped.



To be honest the drugs really did help. The weed made me feel numb to everytjing.



I could finally look at other humans with a relaxed face. I could smile more often. I could look past bullshit. I could reverse depression.



Why did I give it up then?



Many reasons but I realize now that sorrow is inherent in my blood.



I was cursed by God himself because of Adam. Adam sinner and through one man's sin, all became damned.



What was the curse of adam? Sorrow... You will eat bread in sorrow for all of your days.



I didn't realize that I was under the adamic curse.



I didn't realize that's why I was deficient.



My mortal body will continue to be depressed each day. Sorrow is a loyal companion and will not depart as long as my heart beats.



To smoke up. To use vape pen, is a denial of this curse.



I accept my curse. I accept the fact that Adam lived and did sin.


And with this mortal body, I will follow after Christ. His spirit guides me.


In Jesus name,
Amen

Mana dry

Lord today I was putting up two pot lights in the upper floor.

I had already worked a lot before this but I got triggered.


I feel like my sister didn't do anything to trigger me.

But because she pressured my wife and I had to run up and down the stairs I think I burned all my mana.

I replenished my calories (sugars and slow sugars)


But still. I must have ran up and down the stairs and overused my brain for the past four hours.




I was out of mana.

I shouldn't have used it all. Coz my eldest daughter is super hyper. She loves to play. She is like a dog that always wants to rough house.


Im more of a cat person.



I think that's why I hated one of my colleagues at work. She's a young person like me. But she's always hyper and her voice is really high. I can hear her talking from the other side of the room.


I hated her and resented her deeply. I didn't need to hear about her personal conversations from the other side of the hallway. I felt like she had absolutely no self control. She couldn't control her hyperness. She thought that every moment was an opportunity for fun.


I thought she was inconsiderate, selfish, annoying, and compulsive.




My eldest daughter is also like her. This isn't good. I ended up having a beautiful and healthy child. The only problem with her is that she has the personality of the one type that I cannot handle.



I hate these types. I hated them deeply. I was tired all the time. Doped out. I was always NOT in the mood. I was always a Debbie downer. I wished everyone could just stfu and be like me.


Why can't my eldest daughter "calm down?" is it just because she's a toddler? I wish.


I think that my eldest daughter has the hyper compulsive personality.


She is hyperactive. Even if she plays the entire day at full energy, she will still be able to be explosive into the night.



I couldn't handle her.


That girl at work sensed some tension between herself and me. She confronted me one day, in a casual way. She said "I think I'm too hyper for you."


I corrected her immediately with a vague statement "no that's not it at all" I did it out of instinct.



The truth is. I'm not angry at her or my daughter.


I was angry at myself.



I was angry because I was doped out and manaless. At times like these I would hit up the vape pen and replenish my dope. But I quit.


So I got nothin. I got no mana. And I hated myself for that.



I was drained. I had no energy to entertain the hyperactive type. I can't stand being in the same room as them. I can't even stand being in the same house as them.




When I hear my eldest daughter coming, I secretly despise her. I secretly feel disappointed that my little girl is going to see me.



I am extremely private, and my resources get drained quickly. I cannot handle hyperactive types.


I want to control when I have fun and when I want to chill.


But these types want to have fun ALL the time.


But she isn't a colleague I could just write off. She's my daughter. My first born. How can I deal with this? It's sickening to think I already hate her even though she is so young. How twisted can I be?


What should I do, God? Her energy is 99 and my energy is 15.


I live my life to avoid her. How can I get on her level?



How can I make these types more considerate of people like my feelings?




I don't know what else I can do but sit in the dark and regenerate my resources. But moving forward... What should I do? I am actually confused.


When I get pissed I leave the house. I don't take out my anger on her or the family. But can I continue living like this? Will I run away every time my mana is depleted?



I hated her inconsiderate Ness. I hated the fact that she couldn't wind down. I hated the fact that I couldn't turn up at any voluntary moment.


Maybe the vape pen is necessary? If I can't change them, at least I can change myself.



But that could also be a slippery slope. Lord show me the way.

Death to a friend

I think I cut another friend off in my heart.

A good friend of mine. I think. What he said to me recently.


+

He told me to seek help. Professional counselling.

I told him I would do it.

I also told him that I would go back to church.




I dont know. I felt like seeing the counselor for a year was fine.

But going to church? I didmt want to see him there.

Didnt want to talk to him anymore.




Felt like I was done with this relationship probably for good.




So I pulled the trigger. Sent him some watsapp messages and blocked him.


Its been a while since I ever did that to anyone.




I guess the stuff he said that night was a bit much for me. I felt like he thought badly of me. And that I was a burden to him.




I've given things up before. I'm not afraid.




Maybe that's why I felt that way about my own daughter. Because I felt like I was responsible. That responsibly became a burden.



I didnt want him to feel that way about me. The way I felt about my daughter.


Except he is not my family member. He is doing well. If I cut him off, it's whatever. He was probably one of the only friends I had left.



Maybe that's why he felt so responsible. I think I made him feel responsible because I wasn't going out there and making more friends.


The more loyal I was to him, the worse he felt for getting rid of me.


Maybe he felt like if he abandoned me, I would have no friends and no guidance.


I think the relationship was kind of tipping towards that conclusion.


+++

Sometimes it's better to let go of everything than to try to hold onto your last few pennies. The pennies become too important, and the dependency becomes burdensome.


I am free now.

And so are you.

Drainage

A squid that sits on the back of my neck

Sucking

Feeling weaker and weaker

Loss of strength, motivation, patience, energy

...

The night is still young. I can still do many things.

But this squid on my neck makes me want to roll over.

Or to roll a joint.



Times like this I don't feel like opening up my bible to learn anything.

There's a uselessness and a blehness to everything around me.

Squid on my neck

A squid I can't see. It's in my blind spot.



What would make it go away?

I don't know. All I feel is

Drainage