I don't like the performing arts. There's too much drama.

...

i went to the store to buy a suit for my friends wedding, but they kept trying to rent me one instead. i insisted on buying one, but the salesman finally said: read my lips, no new tuxes.

i dont know why they call it nursing school ... i didnt nurse a single baby the whole time.

i just sent an email to tostitos. i said that they taste good but i put some in my shoes and they didnt keep me warm at all.

When you have a lot of hair on your butt, you have a hairy pooter.

What did the aluminum pan say after being covered a second time?


Foiled again!

Someone asked me to play badminton with them, but I refused, I only play goodminton.

If I was on death row, for my last meal I'd ask for the executioner...

I put my hand over someone's mouth to quiet him - I palm muted him...