So I have an idea. I set up a device that kills me and is arbitrarily easy to set off. I sit down, and profess my faith in Jesus. Then somebody opening the door or doing something else sets off the device against my will and I die. Instant heaven!

I think it'd probably be easier to just fly a plane into a building and go to muslim heaven. More virgins too

I ALREADY ACCEPTED JESUS AS MY LORD AND SAVIOR

If someone kidnapped you and said they were going to kill your family unless you did whatever they wanted - would you do it?

i will make the Hell great again, i promise you...

How would they kill me, with a gun at point blank range?

If that were the case I know what my last dying words would be.

"Hey, aren't you the guy who pees with only one toilet seat up and misses the gigantic hole from point blank range and gets urine all over the seat? I have full confidence that you would never be able to aim a gun at me and shoot me even from point blank range."

That's awesome!

Unfortunately Jesus doesn't want him.

i'd go to the police and do what they say