Early in 2020 I had started an impossible journey to solo slash my way to 100,000 kills with 0 deaths. My first attempt was on a female Guardian named Buffy and I had died at exactly 32,145 kills. My second attempt was on a female Barbarian named Sorsha and I had also died slightly over 30,000 kills. Those two characters took a lot of effort on my part only to end in pure disappointment. I was feeling dejected and out of energy to say the least.

My third and final attempt was on a male Barbarian named MachineGunKelly (yep, inspired by the rapper and singer) and surprisingly I never died so far. I'm currently at 74,360 kills with 0 deaths. I didn't think I'd make it this far. I somehow netted Harley's Playhouse 33 guild points and I also made a good amount of Forum Gold along the way, which I later lost playing poker or betting on sports. It was all for fun and I had a great time. I wouldn't change anything because I owe nothing but gratitude to a lot of people on D2jsp for giving me something to aim for. New goals to reach whether or not they were actually obtainable.

But here I am on April 5, 2021. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I still solo slash when I can. A lot of times it's just me grinding away because I'm a competitive person deep inside my heart. But my outer body is aging faster than I'd like it to. I'm not on that Tom Brady diet and aging like fine wine either. I can't escape the fact that I'll be turning an epic age that I honestly didn't think I'd ever reach come August 15. I really shouldn't even be gaming anymore but D2jsp makes me feel young at heart. That's why I keep going even though I feel like I have nothing left to offer anybody. Sometimes I just feel like a complete scumbag and utter failure because I have so much greatness inside of me but I'm afraid to let it all out. That's why I'm feeling incredibly lonely also. I allow every meaningful relationship in my life to slip away. I'll never get married, have kids or truly be happy with my life. That's the constant mental battle that I deal with every single day. The toughest part is I know it's not true but I believe it anyway.

A part of me is ready to just give it all up. I can't seriously be gaming 24-7 like I used to do when I was younger. I'm going to end up passing out at the rate I've been going at it. The other part of me still wants to play Heroes of the Storm and Ladder Slasher daily. I also want to play Diablo II: Resurrected on both the PC and Nintendo Switch. I also want to play Season 23 of Diablo 3 on my Nintendo Switch. It started three nights ago but I'll probably start sometime today if I can muster any energy that I have left. I like to watch Netflix while I play my games to make it seem like it's not really work or grinding away.

Sigh, I just don't know what I want to do anymore guys. I don't want to let anybody down and just leave when I know I can still set some more goals for myself. I love you all on D2jsp. Whether you hate me or like me, I thank you for giving me some motivation to continue the good fight. All I can really do is try my best. I apologize for all the mistakes I made. I wish I could've done some things differently over the years but in the end everything was meant to happen the way it did. I'll always be your Ryan aka Madmartigan aka MADmartigan. I'm just a lovable loser. I'll always be that nerdy hero lurking around the shadows of despair just to save you from your inner demons. I want to make you laugh and smile because I know how hard it can be just to feel that way.

No matter what happens I'll always give an honest effort. I may not always be happy or healthy, but I'll always fight for better days ahead. Never give up!

This post was edited by MADmartigan on Apr 5 2021 03:42am

I'm going to start my Season 23 journey on Diablo 3 sometime tonight on the Nintendo Switch. I'll probably play it for an hour at a time. If I go wild and play like a professional gamer I'll just be doing a lot of recharging on my switch. Pacing myself is ideal because I want to casually play some Heroes of the Storm and Ladder Slasher on a daily basis if I can. I'm going to make a new Demon Hunter named Arlene. All I want to do is complete the seasonal journey and claim all of my rewards. I also need to find a lot of pets which I lack on console. I especially want to farm Liv Moore from the unique zombie named Ravi Lilywhite in the Weeping Hollow area.

I also need to shake off the noticeable console rust that I tend to have and play my Nintendo Switch more often because I plan to play Diablo II: Resurrected on it. Playing some Diablo III will feel like good practice for the time being. Most of the time I like to play in handheld mode because the ping is excellent and there's no lag at all. I can play outside and enjoy the fresh air at the same time. I don't really connect to my TV all that often but I definitely will for Diablo II: Resurrected because I want to take advantage of the gorgeous graphics.

Currently on Netflix I'm watching the series called "iZombie" which is fantastic! Rose McIver stars as Olivia "Liv" Moore, which is what that cool Diablo 3 pet that I mentioned earlier is inspired after. Another series I plan to watch after iZombie is called "Black Summer." It's another zombie apocalypse series that keeps you feeling entertained. Last night I watched a 2020 comedy called "The Wrong Missy" featuring David Spade. I'd rate it a 7.2 out of 10. It definitely made me laugh. Just a wild and wacky movie that's worth watching on Netflix if you're feeling bored. I'm patiently waiting for Season 4 of Cobra Kai. That's my favorite series on Netflix. No Mercy!

Anyway, that's all I have for right now. Just some gaming and Netflix. I've got a daily quest to complete on Heroes of the Storm as well. Win three games for 600 gold which is the second best quest available. Maybe I'll watch a baseball game but all sports will do is cause me some unnecessary stress, faster gray hairs and high blood pressure, so I'll probably pass from enjoying a ballgame. But first I must go to H-E-B curbside and pick up my small grocery list which I ordered on-line. Take care everybody and live your life the way you see fit. If something is causing you anxiety or stress simply eliminate it. Control what you can and don't worry about what you can't control.

I started my Diablo 3 Demon Hunter named Arlene on Season 23 for the Nintendo Switch. I reached level 15 and was farming the Weeping Hollow area for my Liv Moore pet. No luck so far, but I also decided to complete the Act 1 bounties. Yikes! Let me tell you it's just not smart to play on the hard difficulty setting when you're lacking gear and just starting off. I was wrecked and died four times already. The Butcher just pummeled me into submission and my handheld tremble was activated. I could feel the hard vibration from my joy-con controller make my palms sweat and the experience was intense. I was easy fresh meat for the Butcher. The funny thing is I absolutely love to play the Butcher on Heroes of the Storm so I actually smiled when he ripped me apart.

LOL, I guess I'm not ready to compete with the big boys on the Nintendo Switch version of Diablo 3. I need to take it easy and slowly find some gear. Low level legendary items and eventually the Unhallowed Essence set which will be my free Haedrig's gift. I probably won't be any good on my Demon Hunter until level 70. I need to spam some Multishot to really dominate, but for now I'm at least shaking off the rust and learning how to move around. On the switch version I have the free evade movement which is a duck-and-roll maneuver. On top of that I also have the vault skill. I can escape damage but the reason I'm dying too much is because my gear is weak and I'm just trying to level up fast while soloing. It's softcore so I can play a careless glass canon build if I want to.

I'll slowly level up a little each day. My Demon Hunter will be good eventually. I've got a lot of time to earn my rewards and complete every Season 23 objective. For now I'm going to split some time between Heroes of the Storm and Ladder Slasher. I'm having fun and watching Netflix also. It's already past 1 a.m. and I better try to get some sleep very soon if I can. My mind is racing a million miles per hour and I just want to be the best no matter what I do. I refuse to lose a match on Heroes of the Storm. No matter how many kills I can rack up without dying on Ladder Slasher I still want more. I'm already going against my own advise. I need to pace myself and relax. Let everything happen naturally.

I finished another solo climb on Ladder Slasher earlier this evening. It always satisfies me and feels incredibly rewarding to put in that hard work for myself, but this time I definitely felt exhausted and slept for a couple hours immediately after. I was feeling a little disappointed that I had played the lottery raffle but only matched one number. I needed to match two for a partial winnings of 113 Forum Gold. Somebody else won the jackpot of 18.044. It was at 23,500 total. I'm just glad I played one ticket and wasn't afraid to take a calculated risk. It was such a long shot anyway. I've always been a compulsive gambler due to my OCD.

I'm going to play some Heroes of the Storm tomorrow morning. Starting at 6 a.m. I'll have three daily quests that are stacked at one time. Plenty of in-game gold just waiting for me to seize and obtain. I feel like a little kid at the candy store. At the moment I have 12,400 gold, 350 shards and 7,155 gems. That's not terrible at all. My resources on Heroes of the Storm are decent especially my gems which is the real money I've put into the game. I may buy another $20 dollars worth of gems on Heroes of the Storm next weekend to reward myself for being fully vaccinated from COVID-19. I'll be receiving my second shot of the Moderna vaccine on Friday afternoon. I'm very thankful to have not gotten terribly sick in the past year. I need to continue to stay safe to the best of my abilities. Wearing my mask will always be something I continue to do.

As far as my Diablo 3 journey on the Nintendo Switch. I reached level 22 on my female Demon Hunter named Arlene. I only played for about 30 minutes earlier today. It's just too complicated at the moment with my lousy gear, but I should be doing better once I hit level 30 and start to find better items to use. Multishot and the companion skills, mainly the wolf, will be a tremendous DPS boost and further aid me in my battles. Especially three wolves if I can put together the Cloak of the Garwulf and a two piece Marauder set bonus which will summon all of my companions at once. While the summon damage is still too low for my liking, I can also use the Zooey's belt for the extra damage reduction. toughness and survivability. At the moment I've got nothing in my Kanai's Cube in terms of extracting three legendary powers so those items will be what I put in there.

Overall I'm just trying to stay sane and have some fun. I started the 2016 movie "The Late Bloomer" on Netflix featuring Brittany Snow. She's one of my favorite actresses from some other films I've seen such as Pitch Perfect 2, Would You Rather and John Tucker Must Die. I'm 20 minutes into the movie but I paused it to get a couple hours of rest. I'm about to resume it in a little while. I'm heating up some left over barbecued brisket in the oven. It's way past my dinner time but I need some energy right now because I feel like a zombie. Oh, I'm also about to start Season 2 of iZombie on Netflix. Just a fantastic series! Olivia "Liv" Moore is truly sensational and awesome! I'd date her despite the fact she's undead and could eat my brain. I'd take that chance because she's beautiful to me.

I've been quite busy on this Thursday. I made it my cleaning day and just doing some stuff around the house. Vacuuming the carpet, washing my clothes and stuff like that. I've got my appointment tomorrow afternoon to receive my second shot of the Moderna vaccine. The first shot I had gotten four weeks ago hurt my upper right arm and made me very tired for the following four or five days. I'm just feeling anxious and getting ready for that. I'll probably be resting a lot this weekend. I may not be my normal self until next week hopefully.

I'm going to try and play some Heroes of the Storm, Ladder Slasher and Diablo 3 on the Nintendo Switch very soon. Maybe catch a few kills this evening if I can (no promises), but I just want to be fully vaccinated tomorrow and clear my mind with positive thoughts moving forward. I heard that Diablo II: Resurrected just started their Alpha testing today so that's good news. It was the most viewed game on Twitter as well. I'm just now catching up with all the highlights and I like what I see. I can't wait to play Diablo II: Resurrected on the Nintendo Switch. I want to start off on console and then switch over to the PC via cross-progression at some point.

I did something clearly foolish last night and lost the rest of my Forum Gold playing poker on an all in, winner wins game. I was just trying to double up the little I had left. My mind was thinking it's a 50% chance to win but for me it feels more like a 25% chance to win and 75% chance to lose. It's just difficult to save up again playing Ladder Slasher. I'd like to unlock a 7th media slot for my profile but I'll never reach 500 again at this rate. I just can't catch a break in all honesty. Even if I bet on sports and I wager on the heavily favored team they'll somehow lose. I just don't understand my non-existent luck. I take that back. If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all. That old cliche rings true I guess. And I'm a hardcore fan of the Houston Texans and Houston Rockets. Their incredibly awful season may as well sum up 2020 and the early part of 2021 for me.

I'm sorry for my boring blog entry today but that's all I have for right now. Hopefully everybody has a relaxing and fun Friday tomorrow and enjoy the upcoming weekend. Take care and stay healthy. You should always do whatever makes you happy. Time is very precious and you shouldn't spend it always worried and stressing about all the things you can't control. That has been a difficult concept for me to accept, but as I've gotten older I realized that I must vanquish all of the negative thoughts and try to see the good things in life. It's up to you to feel happy. You can actually do that with very little around you. One thing I've learned is to just allow my heart to embrace the little things. I can appreciate a simple bottled water for example. I shouldn't worry about all the things that I want and don't have.

The time right now is 3:20 a.m. central time on Saturday morning (April 10, 2021) and I'm feeling very erratic at best. I had gotten my second shot of the Moderna vaccine yesterday afternoon at approximately 4 p.m. in the afternoon. This time I went with my upper left arm because four weeks earlier I had gotten the first shot inside my upper right arm. And the pain is quite noticeable several hours later. The good news is I know what to expect this time around. I'll probably take some ibuprofen soon because I just can't sleep feeling like this. I can't even lift up my left arm because when I do that annoying pain is there. I decided to play a little Ladder Slasher but it's not the best idea as I'll probably die feeling like I am. I'm playing very sporadically and barely paying attention as I travel around the Catacombs with one of my eyes barely open.

I may as well watch some people play Diablo II: Resurrected on Twitch. From what I've been watching the game looks fantastic and beautiful to my eyes! I may have to pass on playing Diablo IV because Diablo II: Resurrected looks like the game I'll play until I'm buried six feet deep and no longer with you. It looks like a game I can play for the rest of my days. I'll still feel motivated to make more progression on my latest solo climb on Ladder Slasher. I still want to make a push to 79,000 kills and maybe 80,000 kills. I doubt I'll grind too hard for 100,000 solo kills with 0 deaths, but maybe by the summertime I'll feel a lot better and can make that strong push. At this point the only reason I'm playing Ladder Slasher is to have fun. It's no longer about the Forum Gold anymore. And lately I just feel like I don't have anymore energy left. I'm at the end of my run but just trying to crawl across that imaginary finish line.

On the other hand I did reach level 53 on my Demon Hunter named Arlene on Diablo 3 for the Nintendo Switch. If I can just reach level 70 I'll be able to finish my Chapter 2 objectives and receive two pieces of the Unhallowed Essence set from Haedrig's Gift. Finishing Chapter 1 didn't offer any rewards unfortunately. It's been a slow progression on my journey because I'm soloing and with all that's going on I can barely finish my daily bounties. And quite frankly I'm just not very good playing in handheld mode on my switch. I may have to connect to my TV pretty soon but I just like to play it from bed or on the recliner. It's more of a relax and chill play session that I'm doing. I force myself to play a little every day even if it's only for 30 minutes at a time.

That's my blog entry for today. I won't post that much on the forums anymore. Just here on my final blog. I'm using all my energy to get some gaming in. Right now isn't the best time but I'll push through the pain somehow. I'm just happy to be fully vaccinated. Also if I decide to just log off D2jsp and not come back for a few weeks or so. That likely means I'm going to just focus on Heroes of the Storm and Diablo 3 on the Nintendo Switch. No more Ladder Slasher grind. We'll see. I haven't decided what I want to do moving forward but I know that my heart is strong even if I feel like I'm failing everywhere else. They didn't call me Ryan "The Rhino" for nothing in high school. I somehow pulled through and succeeded when the odds were greatly stacked against me. A part of me already feels dead and defeated, but the other part of me isn't afraid to give it everything I have just to prove that I'm alive and victorious! As long as I have that part of me left I'll still give an honest effort.

I've been overwhelmingly exhausted and tired on this Sunday. It's already past 5 p.m. in the afternoon and I've already taken a couple naps just to muster enough energy to grind out a few more games. I did manage to finish another solo climb on Ladder Slasher this weekend though. Already started another climb and reached over 80,000 kills. I also found a decent level 20 Armor that I thought would sell rather fast. That hasn't been the case and I already invested the pricey 7.50 Forum Gold fee to put the item for sell in the Marketplace for 150 Forum Gold. It has +33 Intelligence which is not something I find often.

If it doesn't sell in the next six days then I may resell it for less. I can't really afford the tax fee so we'll see. I didn't want to spend the 7.50 Forum Gold as it was. It knocked me down from over 40 which wiped away some of my hard work this weekend. I really didn't want to worry about losing Forum Gold anymore which is why I'm trying my best to stop my gambling addiction. But I just felt like this was such a special find. Maybe I'm completely mistaken and just played myself yet again. Silly me I guess.

Arcane rigid leather armor
Level Req: 20
Physical Defense: 6 to 19
Magical Defense: 6 to 26

+9 Vitality
+33 Intelligence
+1 to 5 Life per Kill
+1% Life Steal
+1% Parry
+1% Heal Mastery

That's the item I'm trying to sell right now. It has to be worth something. I've got to be patient and hope it sells. It's really the only option I have right now.

I'm thinking of getting some sleep soon but I may try to get a few more kills. I didn't even eat lunch today and it's already dinner time. That's how out of it I am right now. I still feel the effects of Friday's second shot of the Moderna vaccine. I expect to feel this way for a few more days. I need to reach level 70 on my Demon Hunter for Diablo 3 also. I've got her to level 63 but it's been some rather tough sledding to say the least. Once I hit 70 I'll be able to put on some better gear and go from there. It's good practice on my Nintendo Switch if nothing else. I can't wait to play Diablo II: Resurrected on my switch. I'm going to play my Summon Druid a lot on there. I'll eventually cross-progress my character to the PC version.

Tomorrow at 6 a.m. I'll have three new daily quests to complete on Heroes of the Storm. I'm stacking my daily quest from Saturday, Sunday and Monday. It gives me more incentive to earn my in-game gold all at one time. Since Heroes of the Storm hasn't had any seasonal events lately this also makes me feel like there's something fun to do on the side. Hopefully two of the three daily quests that I receive tomorrow morning will be to play 8 games for 800 gold and win 3 games for 600 gold. That would be a nice gain to say the least. I just reached over 16,000 gold and 500 shards (still at 7,155 gems) on Heroes of the Storm. So my resources in the game are still pretty good for now. I was going to buy $20 dollars worth of gems to have closer to 10,000 but I'll wait before I do that. I currently have $5.33 on my digital Blizzard balance. Maybe I should pre-order Diablo II: Resurrected on the PC for $39.99 but I'm planning to purchase the Nintendo Switch version first.

A tip of the cap and a good Saturday morning to everybody. It's April 17, 2021 and I'm just feeling very stressed out right now. My bad luck with gambling on D2jsp continues. I can't catch a break at all. I'd rather not discuss it but maybe it will help me to vent my frustrations. Basically playing poker (I send up front and pool actually) and betting on sports has resulted in another massive losing streak for me. It's gotten to the point of being comical if I wasn't actually trying to set some more goals for myself. But somehow I keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Isn't that insanity according to the brilliant Albert Einstein? I'm already beyond that on here. I've been beaten, deflated and dejected beyond words. I'm just a loser. That's the bottom line and I accept that. I've got to face the reality of the problem here if I ever want to persevere and feel like I learned anything.

I'll be playing some Heroes of the Storm and watching some new Netflix TV series or movies to relax later today. I've got to clean my cat's litter box this morning. It's already past 5 a.m. and I'd like to get a head start on that. I have two cats that share a jumbo box so it's not exactly easy to clean or carry. I'll probably vacuum and clean a little afterwards if I have any energy left. I just need to relax above all else. I'm very close to having a midlife crisis or breakdown pretty soon. It's not mentally healthy for me if I'm feeling all this incredible stress. It's likely best for me to take some time away from social media and all on-line forums, even though I absolutely love D2jsp with all my heart, but I need some relaxation time for myself so I can find some inner peace and happiness again. We'll see though.

I reached 84,540 kills on Ladder Slasher. I'm totally worn down and may take a day or two off from my solo slashing. We'll see. When I'm bored I'll just keep grinding away if I've got nothing better to do. I don't even know why I bother playing anymore. I'll make some Forum Gold and then just lose it all on gambling. It's like the ultimate high and low which isn't healthy for somebody with OCD like me. I guess I'd still like to reach my goal of 100,000 kills with 0 deaths, but given my terrible luck I'll probably die at around 99,999 kills or something ridiculous like that. I also reached level 70 on my Demon Hunter named Arlene on the Nintendo Switch. 25 paragon points so far but I've barely been playing lately. I still need to put the full Unhallowed Essence set together by finishing Chapter 4 of my objectives. So far I've got four pieces of the set. Once I finish Chapter 4 I'll get the full six pieces. I think we're a little over two weeks into Season 23 so I should still finish all my seasonal objectives so long as I put forth some better effort along the way.

Have a nice day guys. I'm sorry for the inactivity on my blog lately but I just haven't been feeling motivated or excited lately. I'm sputtering along but those of you that read my blog entries I really do appreciate it. Thank you for caring enough about me. I'll be fine, hopefully, but it's just the everyday battles we all face that I'm dealing with. Whether it's a mental or physical hurdle you'd like to overcome (I'm cheering for your success!), I just hope all of you can find your peace and happiness in life. Some days I need to embrace my own thoughts. It may help if I start to write some daily prayers again in the Christian sub-forum. I used to frequent that section on D2jsp but I haven't in quite some time. It helped me a lot in the past.

This post was edited by MADmartigan on Apr 17 2021 04:31am