What does the Dumper experience?
Often people are asking what an ex is experiencing during breakup, post break-up and when you go no contact!
Personally I have been on both sides of this. Neither one is fun. Remmember that break-up is painfull for everyone involved.
Wether you choose to end it, or the decision is forced upon you, you are breaking a powerfull bond, griefing the death of a specific future you invisioned and doubting yourself, your worth and your own capacity of love.
And thats where we start - doubt!
While in your relationship your Ex started to experience the relationship killed knows as DOUBT.
The reasons very - it could be stress, no time together, poor sex life, repetition and monotony, arguments, identifying incompatabilities or just a certain feeling that this doesn't suit them any longer.
Nobody experience relationship doubt and breaks-up that day, it usually festers over few weeks or even months in some long-term cases and they spend their time trying to ignore that thought, that feeling, because it is not what they want, so they often try to mimic themself in a relationship for awhile! They will smile, go on dates, say "I love you", but its not working. That doubtfull gut instict just lingers - something is "wrong"! And then they will start to pull away more, as clearly faking it isn't working. So time apart might help? But while they pull away, their partner seems to be coming closer - smothering them, so they pull away more and act cold, so they can isolate themself and think "what the hell is wrong with me?!". They think about the good times - the connection, the story they told themself until now about why you both belong together, but the feeling can be shaking! And they begin to doubt themself, their own capacity of love and about what must be missing inside them and how this is maybe their fault.
At this time they probably feel mentaly isolated - they tried acting, pulling away, but there is just this feeling, that this isn't working. Usually it falls under those two reasons - They lost attraction for you or they don't see a future with you!
Then they probably will consult a friend to talk about it. They need to figure our what they feel. Their friend will encourage them to do what they feel is right for them, like any friend would! However there is alot of uncertainty - What if it is the wrong choice? Where did this feeling come from? One day they will just decide to end it, it can happen over a week, two weeks, months..depening on individual factors! But then comes the dread, how will the other person react? They are gonna be upset, they gonna be blind-sided... I know, I maybe fade it out slowly, so they experience a gap, so they get used to life without me and this doesn't shock them too much. But when they pull away, you get anxious and chase them. This makes them realise that they really don't belong in this relationship right now. Here you are on 300% interest level acting to "win them back"
Ironicly your desire to get them closer actually pushes them away and forces them to act sooner!
Now they have been excpecting a terrible break-up and unfotunatly most of the people confirm their suspicioun by begging, pleading, crying, writing letter, whatever it takes to win them back. The more this happens, the more simpathy they feel and more cold they become. They even start to believe that they are abit hearthless, because they are consumed with anxiety and they don't feel in touch with that part of themself. This is why if you remain calm in the breakup, play it cool, suggest there is missunderstandment or alot going on in your lifes right now and don't chase, they are surprised! They don't get what they were anticipating and it causes a new kind of doubt ( but thats for another talk)!
Now the break-up is done! The dumper feels free, they achieved what they wanted to do! They need to be independent and figure out who they are and what they want. The more their Ex contacts them to convince them, the more it shows them that you are in two different wavelenghts and that you don't understand them and respect their decision! This causes them to feel very powerfull!And whenever they get a message from their Ex, they feel compassion, sort of "Poor you", I will let you down easy, but you don't understand - I am just emotionally unavailable right now. If the ex persist, they will now get cold, repeat the same arguments, but sound increasingly rude to incurage you to stop! Because that break-up and dread and anxiety was horrible experience for them too! They don't want to repeat or revisit that trauma!
Then No Contact begins...
Silence...
Relieve...
It's over...
Finally some time to be alone with their thoughts. Now with their new found freedoom the first thing they will do is to go out and often drinking and parting with their friends. A natural responce for anyone. It is time to socialize and they are realising that they are single now, so they must make their life exciting, just lke they told themself it should be. Aswell as justifying this break-up trauma and pain to themselfs and the world, as friends and family are judging them. They claimed they wanted to be single, now they are! And there is a pressure to proof they did it for good reason!
So they will usually post photos online, about how great they are doing, how good their life is. "look at me" , I am out it is fun. They are rediscovering a whole part of themself that they forgot about, its a little scary to them and new, but its okay. If they drink, they find themselfs thinking about you. They will consider messaging, but don't wanna upset you after all that drama.
But mostly they force themselfs into social mode, arranging stuff to do to keep themselfs busy and to be around friends. They no longer like being alone with their thoughts. Now its just lonely. They think about what happened and how they hurt you and themselfs too - It was awful! As times passes and life takes over, their friends are less and less available to hang out! And you are still not contacting them. They are looking to your social media from time to time and you are either not posting anything, making you a total mistery or you seem totally fine and active. They end up alone more, they wonder if you are alone...Then they will maybe decide that it is time to date...time to see what is out there, so they go on a date, but they don't really want a relationship as they still wondering why they broke-up with someone they really cared about, or they don't know what they want...They are justifying the break-up to themselfs by dating, like every single person should.
The new person they date isn't as familiar, they find themselfs resorting to template language like "What do you do?", "Any cool trips planned? ", or describing themselfs in those job interviews social media ways as if everything in their life is fantastic. But it feels empty....!
Then they really start wonder about you! They think about the relationship more and more!They wonder what went wrong and why?! It's wierd you haven't been chasing, but then they remind themselfs they left you and they have no right to wonder. They check on your social media again, and you are doing very well. Now that the dust is settled, all those reason for breakingup and that anxious doubtfull feeling has ran out of steam! it is just empty and cold now. They wonder - "Do you still care about me?", "are you dating someone new?", "What did you realise about me that caused you to not reach out anymore?", "Will the others realise that too?", They respect you now and quitly resent when others ask about you or how they are coping with the breakup. Because they have no idea,how you are! They assume you are handling the breakup better then them! "Why aren't you contacting?"! Obviosly because you don't need to! You can find someone else, so can they, but anyone they try to find will be interested in them and you apprear dissinteressted. So then they decide - "Fuck it, I am gonn ask how they are! What's the harm? We used to talk, we knew each other for a long time, we can be friends...I mean no friends because he specifictly said no to that, but we can talk...Maybe I will see if he is angry or okay. Maybe he will want right away and be desperate? " They have no idea...
Thats where they contact you!
Maybe it is a "how are you?",
or indirect comment to test the waters...
And now they wait for your responce...Anxiosly.. beggining to wonder even if you are going to reply, because you could not and that would be totally justified...
And then you do and relief washes over them. The lean in towards their phone with focuse, it is the first contact since the breakup. So there is alot of adrenaline and cortizol pumping thrue their veins as this is bring up similar levels of anxiety and importance to the last point of contact they had with you - the breakup.
But this time its pleasent and realiving and a way, its easy to talk to you. They had so much new and unfamiliar come their way, that there is a comfort and ease with you, that there just isn't with others. And now another familiar feeling, but in another direction - DOUBT!
So here you have it guys, the dumper experience, From before the break-up , thrue no contact to the point they decide to reach out!
If you have personal dating or breakup issue you can throw me a short PM, I will gladly listen to you and give you an advice!