I will be posting a series of sentences that I am not convinced is correctly punctuated. Let me know if it has clarity and conciseness please!


Sentence #1

An example of one of the things we can say is that since women are more likely to graduate than men, with the exception of the one program, it is safer to invest in women for higher education than men.

edit:
full paragraphs for context added below.

Provided above is a table from Statistics Canada that looks at the proportions of Enrollments and Graduates who are women. In 2007, there was more women completing secondary education than men, thus leading to a majority of college program enrollments being women. Some pronounced gender gaps in majors for enrollment and graduation were: Education, 84.3% and 86.5%; Health, Parks, Recreation and Fitness, 81.5% and 83.7%; Social and Behaviour Sciences, Law, 80.1% and 82.1%; Mathematics, Computer and Information Sciences, 23.6% and 23.4%; Architecture, Engineering and Related Services, 13.4% and 14.0%. They were also the minority of Agriculture, Natural Resources and Conservation with 39.5% and 41.4%, Personal, Protective and Transportation Services with 39.2% and 40.0%. This indicates a dominance of diverse subjects that women major in.

Also notable to address is the gender gap in graduates relative to enrollments. The proportion of graduates being women is higher than the proportion of enrollment being women, signifying that men has a higher drop-out rate than women. The only program this is not true for, is in Mathematics, Computer and Information Sciences where the proportion of women enrollment is higher than the proportion of women graduates. An example of one of the things we can say is that since women are more likely to graduate than men, with the exception of the one program, it is safer to invest in women for higher education than men.

This post was edited by Arcolithe on Oct 5 2017 06:07am

A bit of hesitation in your writing. Get rid of "an example of one of the things we can say is that". Thats a lot of words that say nothing. You'll be left with :

Since women are more likely to graduate than men, with the exception of the one program, it is safer to invest in women for higher education than men.

Also consider removing changing "with the exception of one program to "excluding one program.

Clarity comes from getting big ideas across with few words. If your goal is conciseness, look for little clean ups like this. You have plenty of opportunities to clean up this piece of writing.


E/your transitions seem like they could use a little loving, too. The first paragraph just kind of starts (is it the first in the paper?). A useful tactic is to often include the subjects of the previous and following paragraphs in the first sentence of each new paragraph. How smooth you are about it comes with practice. I wouldn't recommend being blatant (just doing it because it's academically accepted). This is your chance to tie together the two subjects and relate them to your overarching point, thesis, or otherwise.

Good luck

This post was edited by iDoYardWork on Oct 5 2017 08:17am

Use grammarly - it is free..

Assuming you are writing for a scientific appraisal. The first line already draws my attention. It is technically fully correct, but if you're planning on using citations it would be worthwhile to just refer to the table and putting its source behind the line: "Provided above is a table that looks at .... (Statistics Canada, 2001)." Furthermore, "...that looks at the proportions of enrollments and graduates who are women" (I removed the capitals for enrollments and graduates, this is only the case if there is like a program with exactly those words as a title name, but I think that is not the case here?) one could simply say "that looks at the enrollments and graduates in relation to gender" or something like that. "...who are women" sounds a little.. jolly, I guess.

"In 2007, there was more women ..." was = were; the sentence also refers to secondary education. This is correct for most countries, but some countries refer to secondary education in different manners (for example, high school in 'murica). If you want a technically flawless text, "more women doing A than men" is implicit in that it is open to interpretation what the men are doing. This can be solved with "more women than men doing A" or "more women doing A than men doing A". But this is really just a technicality and you can leave it as it is perfectly well.

For a summary, it can be nice to: (1) have numbers; (2) to quickly identify; (3) each seperate fragment.

The meaning of the %'s you then provide is implicitly explained, which is not incorrect, but if this is like an article or thesis or something you'll want to be explicit about everything. You should always consider "the average, lazy, not too clever reader who skips half the text" as your model reader

"This indicates a dominance of diverse subjects that women major in" currently implies dominance of these subjects (over what?). To solve, one option is "This indicates a dominance of diverse subjects where women are more likely to ...", something down that line; or "This indicates that for a variety of subjects in which graduates are predominantly women." And so on, and so on.

"Signifying that men has ..." = that men have

For "An example of one ..." I'd simply go "One possible conclusion is that since women are more likely to graduate than men, with the exception of one program, it is safer to invest in women for higher education than men".

I hope to have been of some use!

Rik