So, in the past, I've posted my story up here to get some feedback. Then, it had only been about 500-1000 words. Now, I've finished it and it sits at about 3,000 words, or 6 pages.

I'd really appreciate it if anyone would read it and provide some feedback?

If you're interested in reading it, please leave a post and I will pm you.

Here's the intro, thanks!

Prologue - Aeternus
A loud explosion pierces the airwaves, and a bright light appears overhead. A man looks down at the cell phone he is carrying as it shocks him, and he lets the device fly from his hand. It seems as though a thousand rockets are taking off from the building by which he’s standing. There’s another explosion, only this time it’s not accompanied by bright light. The second blast sends a strange, gelatinous substance soaring in all directions. The man falls to the ground, unmoving. The stillness after the momentary commotion is unnerving. Suddenly, the man twitches. He puts his hands flat against the ground and pushes up. I catch sight of his face. It’s only been mere seconds since the blasts, but somehow he’s changed. His face is riddled with spots both startlingly white and charred black. The man’s nose is hanging by a thin piece of cartilage leaving an abysmal hole in the center of his face. He manages to push himself up and get a single foot planted. The right ankle is obviously broken, but that doesn’t seem to matter. The ghastly corpse staggers towards me with arms outstretched and a foot leaving a trail of blood and bits of flesh on the pavement. I try to get to my feet and run, but my body won’t move. Another explosion sounds. A brick flies through the air, knocking the man’s head clean off his shoulders. The body crumples to the ground and its head rolls towards me, coming to a stop inches from my face. I see a bloody blue-tooth headset sparking and still attached to an ear. Another blindingly bright light arrives. Once again, an eerie silence fills the air.

This post was edited by furbyjs on Apr 29 2014 08:04am

I'd be interested.

Things i might recommend after reading intro is to describe things rather than use descriptive words, if that makes sense. Some examples:
"The right ankle is obviously broken," okay, that doesnt really give me much of an image, although i think it easily could. maybe if you spent a sentence on it I could get a better sense of the shittiness of the situation. Exposed bone grinding on pavement, arterial spray filling his shoes, etc. This sentence should make the reader say "oh, what the fuck?" but it's just like yeah, okay, a zombie.
"strange, gelatinous" boogies? jizz? mustard?
"stillness in the air... man twitches" maybe make this into one sentence saying the stillness was broken by the man's convulsions. Try not to use the word "suddenly" like ever.

and maybe make it more ominous than a zombie. Like, a broken, staggered ankle, outstretched hands, blood trail, all are part of a.... monster package. Similar to a word package, which is using commonly used words to describe something in an unoriginal way. like saying "white sandy beaches, eye in the sky, sand between my toes, corona, etc etc" to describe a beach.

Also the present tense seems kinda weird to me.. did you stray from past tense purposely? why?

This post was edited by JadeBlade23 on Apr 29 2014 10:40am

I'd be down to read it/ give feedback.
I've written a few short stories (more like 15k words though. So long, short stories) as well. They aren't necessarily good, but I guess it helps that I'm more familiar with the process and could give feedback.

Thanks, that's some really great feedback. Much more descriptive than I've received in any of my previous threads.
In the italicized sections, I'm trying to go for a sort of unattached feeling, which is why I kind of write more mechanically. If, however, this doesn't seem like a good idea, I could change it. That's part of the reason why I'm looking for feedback xD
As for the gelatinous stuff, when I first started this story four years ago, I had a completely different plot thought out. It was going to be some sort of bio-weapon. I guess it still could be, but I didn't get around to writing about what caused everything.
I wrote it in the present tense to set it aside from the rest of the story. I use italic sections a few times, each are either flashbacks in first person or just third person narration instead.



Awesome, thanks.

I'll send it asap xD

Up, no one's gotten back to me yet =/

I could definitely read it, iirc it seemed pretty interesting ;>

No one's responded yet. This leads me to believe that upon reading this short story, the reader dies.

If anyone else would like to risk it, lmk.

This post was edited by furbyjs on Jul 1 2014 01:05pm

I just haven't gotten the time yet U_U I feel awful!

So sorry!
Really cool story. Pm'd my thoughts/notes.

Thanks for letting me read it!

xD it's fine, just wanted to bump with some creativity



Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I really appreciate all the feedback you provided.
I'll try to make some changes you suggested to see what future readers think.