So I could get my mind off of suicide for a bit. Things truly started going downhill in my mid 20s after a specific breakup. I'm 31 now, an alcoholic and currently unemployed. I'm also an only child. My mother is a politician and works in the city council so I do have something to fall back on in terms of finances, specifically real estate. I have an unfinished degree at an ok university in my city that I'm unsure of whether or not i want to complete. I have had over 30 sexual partners in my life but only very few people I'd call actual girlfriends and only 2-3 I've ever felt any love for and those relationships turned out to be extremely turbulent and destructive. I have used a lot of drugs in my life due to which I developed a mixed personality disorder and hypersexuality. I'm emotionally extremely unstable as of now. Occasionally I have dreams of my ex from when we were in our early 20s which seem to be the only form of relief I get these days. Our breakup kind of ruined my social circles, I was an aspiring musician and hoped to build on the local underground electronic music connections my friends had back in the day. Unfortunately I now sit on 30k worth of analog gear which I don't even touch anymore due to not seeing how it could take me to a future I might enjoy. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse whenever I think of building a new circle of friends. Everything was tight and those people meant a lot to me. Maybe I thought they were more important than they were because of all the MDMA we were taking. I can't say for sure. Something I noticed was that while using my ex would become unable to hold proper borders in clubs with other men which drove us to an extremely chaotic breakup, effectively ruining a lot of social relationships I had at the time. I later found her cheating on her new boyfriend. I've been with other women and even had a few half year relationships since but I always felt like they really meant nothing to these people due to how easily they seemed to break them off. I never got to tell them how much pain I was in all the time physically and emotionally. I never could cry. I feel like that part festered in me and never found a resolution. Made me a more vicious person overall. These days I know inside I might start fantasizing about suicide and doing something illegal just so I could break this pattern, so I can't really let my mind wander. I'm under constant strain and pressure. I know a point will come again where I'm going to have to bite the bullet and do something completely reckless even though I was celibate for 3 years until recently. I know I'm going to have to repeat the same shit so I can get it out of my system. I can't live this 9-5 shit anymore. I feel like if i don't do something crazy I'm going to end up killing myself. It can't go on like this.

Welcome to the club my friend! I would recommend therapy but they would just load you up with drugs but you might get lucky and find one that works for you!

I wouldn't recommend benzos though because you build up a tolerance real fast and then you're stuck taking the max daily dose with no help from it everyday! Then you get to taper off!

You should probably reach out to your mother and see if she can get you some therapy or counseling. Stay active, be busy as you can, DON’T get back on the drugs as hard as it may be, it’s like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs surgery. Don’t be afraid to call the suicide hotline if you’re feeling like you may go through with it..

Hope things get better for you man, that’s terrible. I know what it’s like to be suicidal and I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy.

Thanks.



I know. In the past I've used them in short bursts, larger doses of valium for one week or so. I think the tolerance you have for them is pretty much permanent so you can go years without using and never get the same effect when you first started. You're going to always need a higher dose.





Thanks. I'm actually already looking into getting some therapy. I can get it for free through my GP here.

This post was edited by rawwwrr on Oct 1 2025 03:47pm

Yeah that doesn't surprise me about the Valium! It seems like everything that can be messed up about those drugs are messed up about those drugs! Why do they have to work so well though? If it wasn't for tolerance and withdrawal, they would be miracle drugs!

The doctors will probably wanna put you on ssris or snris!

Drugs, specifically MDMA make all relationships better

This is sick. I envy of your having a lot of relationships, but if it lead to suicide, then it is not worth it.

I've been on them, they don't help me much unfortunately.

Sometimes it's about finding the right one, I've been on so many different medications and it took a combo after fifteen years to finally get me feeling better mostly