http://www.dailysquib.co.uk/health/1794-masturbation-could-boost-your-intellect.htmlQuote
MANCHESTER - England - Being a wanker could make you cleverer in later life and ward off dementia, claim scientists.
" 'Our findings are further proof that there is a hotwire directly from your genitals straight to your frontal cortex in your brain. Through our extensive research we have assertained that if you 'jack off' daily you will not only live longer but you will also increase your brain capacity and intelligence levels. I myself am a complete and utter genius. Yes, we're talking at least eight times a day and I'm 57 years old,' Professor Meat Johnsons, from Salford's School of Translational Medicine explained in the studies findings."
"There were even some celebrities on hand to assist in the study, namely Jacqui Smith's husband, Richard Timney; tiddley wink champion, Russell Brand and of course the wanker extraordinaire, Jonathan Woss. These subjects, however were anomalies within the study because even though they were wankers of the highest degree, they showed no sign of intelligence whatsoever."
"The researchers do not know exactly how masturbation and mental agility may be connected but said the remarkable findings may finally bring a glimmer of hope into understanding the utter genius of the Daily Squib writing and editorial team."