Quote (fingerling @ Aug 6 2014 01:45pm)
Anxiety, depression, and BPD ( which happens to be highly comorbid with anxiety and depression)
Was on lamotrigine and clonazepam and paxil but felt full zombie mode and started having weird breathing issues.
Just on valproic acid and clonazepam now.
Symptoms-- pick any site summarizing BPD and that's it. I fit the mold 100%. I experience all the symptoms and they are getting worse as I age ( which is strange as typically the symptoms dissipate over time)
Chronic, terribly labile moods is probably the worst. Literally go from neutral/happy to suicidally depressed and back to somewhat normal again within a period of 20 minutes. Sometimes the moods last longer. 1-2 weeks of not speaking to or barely looking at anyone, a week or two of upbeat, joyful mood. Mostly my moods shift between extremely anxious and fearful to extremely empty and lonely to very irritable and angry. One tiny insignificant event can ruin my whole day and make me desperately depressed and impulsively dangerous to myself-- someone canceling plans, someone saying something minor that I interpret to be derogatory, or generally just brooding over my circumstances
Absolutely no sense of identity. I act different around everyone. I am self conscious and extremely anxious most times and thus try to form my expression into something I perceive people to want or respect. I definitely have no sense of self.
Hyper sensitive to the smallest 'negative' experiences. Sister did something I didn't like, didn't talk to her for years ( live in same house). Cousin made a move on my ex gf when we were like 16, haven't spoken to him since. I hold grudges for an inordinate amount of time and generally either like someone or hate them. Not really ever any middle ground.
Speaking of liking, I feel zero compassion or empathy. I do not love my mother or any family members. At this moment I have loved one person in my life and it was my gf of two years in hs. Anyone who wrongs me I immediately want dead. Do not want them to suffer, just want them off earth.
Mostly I continue with the thought that I'll end it soon, even though I don't think I ever could. Lots of physical exertion or pain to block the mental anguish ( cutting, punching, intense prolonged exercise, ice baths, sitting in a hot car), sleeping pills, and alcohol.
Really a strange disorder to have as someone with a problem like having solely anxiety may be motivated to get better no matter what but given the chronic turbulence of emotions and moods and my inability to regulate them my desires and motives change constantly. The moment I am positive is quickly replaced by a negative after my emotional shift.
one things that all these drugs have in common is that they're all anti-epileptics, looks like you're never going to have a seizure.