i need to get off the meds they make me mentally lethargic they do seem to help with mood regulation slightly but only in the sense that instead of turbulent emotions I mostly feel a mild numbness -- like taking pain medicine after having your wisdom teeth pulled. The pain is still present but seems distant and bearable. Wrote a suicide note yesterday which made me feel better. I hid it amongst other papers.

It is strange that I thought for many years since my gf of two years (and first love) left me that all I needed was a girl that would accept me to make me happy. Now I have come to the unfortunate realization that no matter how accepting I may be of myself (which I will never be) or how accepting a life partner may be of me, what I certainly cannot accept is putting someone I care about ( a mate) through a life filled with what would inevitably and largely unavoidably be a chaotic mess of stress and trauma by virtue of having to live with someone who cannot regulate himself emotionally and often goes to very dark places.

I really see no future for myself-- can't quite imagine it. I will finish school, yes, but what then ? Have a job around people who I cannot relate to or properly communicate with. Live a life with someone who may be perfect for me when it is just us but I transmute into someone else in the presence of any uncertainty in the form of unknown people or situations.

As much as my incessant analyzing and interpreting and hyper sensitive perception attempts to understand everything I don't suppose I can know what my life will be until I get to a certain point. For now I am curious to see where that will be, so onward I go, albeit with fear and anxiety

It seems like you're trying to live your life in the future and forgetting about the present which does cause anxiety in people who do that. I used to do that and I made a wrist watch with a piece of paper inside it that read "now" so if I started getting anxious about the future I'd look at the watch I made and after some time I didn't need it anymore. Needless to say I try to avoid medicating until its absolutely necessary

Is this lowqualitybait.jpg ?

have you tried heroin? you may want to consider it.

My anxiety is too severe I need medication. And emotionally I need help as well. Kept cutting my arms and punching things until my knuckles bled

What all are you on? What were your diagnoses, symptoms, etc? You can pm me if you'd rather
Also, any type of genetic testing for SNPs, for instance common ones affecting the aymgdala?

This post was edited by Balla on Aug 6 2014 02:35pm

pm me this too

Sounds like you live your entire life in fear of being judged by others. You're so set on trying to make sure everything is following the "norm" that you're failing to see there is no norm. Some couples will hangout everyday, some won't, it's as simple as that. If her actions are upsetting you, talk to her, let her know how you feel instead of dwelling on it and letting it eat at you. If everything you post isn't just troll, it sounds like you've got some serious anti-social problems. Go out, have fun, and don't give a single flying fuck what anyone thinks.

edit: Not going to pretend like I'm anything of an expert in the matter, but I have known a few people with BPD that had to go through like 5 different medications before they found one that actually worked, maybe think about switching up something there?

This post was edited by LightClaw on Aug 6 2014 03:51pm

Anxiety, depression, and BPD ( which happens to be highly comorbid with anxiety and depression)

Was on lamotrigine and clonazepam and paxil but felt full zombie mode and started having weird breathing issues.

Just on valproic acid and clonazepam now.


Symptoms-- pick any site summarizing BPD and that's it. I fit the mold 100%. I experience all the symptoms and they are getting worse as I age ( which is strange as typically the symptoms dissipate over time)

Chronic, terribly labile moods is probably the worst. Literally go from neutral/happy to suicidally depressed and back to somewhat normal again within a period of 20 minutes. Sometimes the moods last longer. 1-2 weeks of not speaking to or barely looking at anyone, a week or two of upbeat, joyful mood. Mostly my moods shift between extremely anxious and fearful to extremely empty and lonely to very irritable and angry. One tiny insignificant event can ruin my whole day and make me desperately depressed and impulsively dangerous to myself-- someone canceling plans, someone saying something minor that I interpret to be derogatory, or generally just brooding over my circumstances

Absolutely no sense of identity. I act different around everyone. I am self conscious and extremely anxious most times and thus try to form my expression into something I perceive people to want or respect. I definitely have no sense of self.

Hyper sensitive to the smallest 'negative' experiences. Sister did something I didn't like, didn't talk to her for years ( live in same house). Cousin made a move on my ex gf when we were like 16, haven't spoken to him since. I hold grudges for an inordinate amount of time and generally either like someone or hate them. Not really ever any middle ground.

Speaking of liking, I feel zero compassion or empathy. I do not love my mother or any family members. At this moment I have loved one person in my life and it was my gf of two years in hs. Anyone who wrongs me I immediately want dead. Do not want them to suffer, just want them off earth.

Mostly I continue with the thought that I'll end it soon, even though I don't think I ever could. Lots of physical exertion or pain to block the mental anguish ( cutting, punching, intense prolonged exercise, ice baths, sitting in a hot car), sleeping pills, and alcohol.

Really a strange disorder to have as someone with a problem like having solely anxiety may be motivated to get better no matter what but given the chronic turbulence of emotions and moods and my inability to regulate them my desires and motives change constantly. The moment I am positive is quickly replaced by a negative after my emotional shift.

This post was edited by fingerling on Aug 6 2014 03:52pm

i don't even live here anymore and i saw this