I'm tired of feeling trapped. What I'm exploring in this thread and what I've been reading into for awhile may simply be an outlet for those emotions, but I don't think that I will be satisfied unless I give it the absolute possible effort and attention. I may be seeking out unrealistic optimism and satisfaction that I feel I was conditioned to see as normal while on anti-depressants, so realistically I am looking for a feeling that comes from within which propels me wherever I may be without the assistance of hard intervention, and although playing with vitamins, minerals, supplements, etc is comparable to playing with medicine, what I see is the difference between having control and not having control; intervention with medicine to me means not having control, and that's a heavy burden for anybody to deal with.
I'm at the crossroad where I am not okay with where I am now and how I have been dealing, and my first expression to address those concerns is to look at what sustains me.
I'm not okay with behavior that is sustained artificially, it is surreal to me and refutable, because it is what I strive for without depending on psychotropics. It is for precisely that reason that I will be implementing the full spectrum of cognitive behavioral therapy, of which I have completed courses in dialectical behavioral therapy and successfully implemented the teachings for some time, however I did not maintain the skills cognitively. This time around, I am giving myself fully to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I will be eliminating many forms of habit that are inhibiting, impairing, destructive, etc.. that includes thoughts as basic as "I feel." I'm far too emotional and I realize that this plays a significant role every morning, every night, so as long as I allow these emotions to ransack me from every angle there will be no success even with the best possible routine and support.
I'm not looking for an excuse, rather the contrary; I am looking for a reason to excuse.