how have i managed not to kill myself yet?

planning to go back to uni even though i've already dropped out once. seeing how i can't even hold a job i don't know how that will go. i've got low tolerance for stress so i either blank out or blow a fuse whenever things go to shit. i'm also terrible at managing my time.

whenever i'm stuck doing something mundane my mind will go something like this "is this what my life is going to be like for the next X amount of time?" -> "this is bullshit, i'm wasting the time i could spend doing something creative on something i fucking despise just so i could buy more gear" -> "i fucking hate the people i work with, i hate my stuck up piece of shit manager and his false sense of accomplishment, his rigid morals, his need to tower over others, his materialistic view of life. i hate my complacent coworkers. i hate how i have no energy to play guitar after a workday. i hate how i have to spend an hour of my day just so i can get here and get home because i have no license. i hate how the temperature can drop to near freezing in the early morning, so i almost catch a cold every time i go to work" -> massive stress and anger buildup -> "this is bullshit. i fucking quit."

same thing for school. literally the only reason i have to go back to school is so that i can fit into society somewhat. i might care for the subjects but i definitely don't care for the people. i don't care for the money as long as i have enough to get by. i just want to do what i enjoy doing so fucking leave me be.

i'm never going to have a healthy relationship with a girl in my life. all i have is one night stands and fuck buddies. that's all. people think i'm a piece of shit and i'm fine with that. even though i'm handsome/cute/whatever, i'm still impossible to love.

i feel like there is so much sickness around me. i hate how my life is controlled and decided by someone other than me. i will never be successful in anything and even if i was i wouldn't care because all of this is shit. i'm trying so hard not to care about all this and move on but i just can't. i don't have a place anywhere.

i've heard passion comes from action. i don't think that ever applied for me. i feel like the only passion i ever had gave me instant gratification (drawing, guitar, etc). but again i've been stepped on by other people ever since i was a child. i've never been able to fully live how i want. if i had a real family growing up maybe things would've turned out different. right now i'm just too far behind everyone. i have nothing to my name.

This post was edited by rawwwrr on May 23 2016 02:26pm

If you've had these problems for months/years, have tried everything you could to improve your situation and still can't function properly, then you are the definition of the type of person that would benefit from medication. At this stage the only recourse is probably anti anxiety medication or an anti depressant, but all you'll get from people here is 'all drugs are bad, smoke weed bro'. See a doctor m8

Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn

Again?

It could be worse, im not getting laid

Whaaaaaaaaaaat

how about you get to 0% warn u can do it dodger

10 years grats, weve been over this when you sent animes donger

i'm not in pain anymore i'm just angry all the time.

if u can't function as a member of society then u need help, simple as that. I was just suggesting what may be suitable but that of course is upto a doctor