when i feel something. it's like it's the only thing that exists. every other perception is disregarded or assimilated.
my judgment is clouded by feelings i cannot control. these feelings and perceptions swap around frequently. they're often contradictory, but no matter what the current emotion, they always make sense to me when i'm in that state. to me it is the only truth.
but they're mostly negative, sometimes destructive, rarely selfless and caring. it's like nothing of value makes sense anymore, or has made for a long time for that matter. it's hard to keep pushing on like this.
i'm turning into a hateful little creature. my loneliness wants me to inflict the same suffering onto others. it calls it revenge, when in truth there has been no real offense to me.
whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, was a fucking liar. i sometimes wish i'd never known someone like her. even if i've somewhat cleaned up my act, i feel like it's hardly had any effect on the main issue here that pains me.
"people like us can't be together". i knew it was going to be a disaster from the get go. i knew i wasn't what you thought i was, even after all that time. you moved on, but i stayed still. my life craved meaning and i was hoping you could give it to me, which now i see was very childish of me.
after you left me hanging, i didn't know what to think. it's been months now, but everything you said is still sore. it's the only thing i can still think of, because i it's the only thing that's actually mattered to me in the past 6-7 years of my life. everything else is background noise.
i'm sad that it all turned to shit so quick. i'm sad that you had to ruthlessly cut me out, then beat me down again when i kept coming back for more. now i can't help but hate. i'm as torn as you.
tl;dr - didn't expect this to turn out all firaga but i guess it's ok. random jsp post nobody's going to read anyway lol.