Quote (TiMasse @ Apr 8 2011 01:28am)
Hello guys and girls.. I need to talk tonight...
ONe of my grand mom lost the taste to life 2 months ago. Since then she jsut let herself die. She went at hospital and they said she was heathly, and what she had was only in her head. She had 1 week to change her ''decision'' or i twould be too late. Now its 2 weeks later. Yesterday 9 pm im alone at school doing an homework, my brother msg me :
Moma said that grand-mom cant talk anymore and her body hurt her and the doctor said she will start ''morphine'' next week.And she wont be able to be like that more months(1-2 weeks approx).
I didnt saw her since xmas and might not see her anymore. I dont know how to explain how i feel now. I regret to not went see her enough, I regret to enver told her how much I love her. I am scared to meet her, will I cry what will happen? What will happen to my dad, I never saw him cried, he is my modal in keeping emotions in. I just dont know what to do. I heard the new I was alone, came back to house at 10 o clock walking alone jsut wondering about that. I am the whole day alone, or with friend which who I dont want to talk about that, I saw my brother but we dont like to talk about that together. Now I have a big need to express myself.What would I make or change. What would she tell me if she would see me doing my dayly things. Cannot even clean up my litle appartement, difficulty at school, not many friends, all time I said no when my parents asked me to go visit her, all time I made fun of her and her story about talking to the sun. After losing my 2 grand-dad, 1 grand-mom is slowly dieing, and my other grammy has alzheimer and forgetting me.
How should I feel when people I am living for and who give me the strenght to wake up the morning go to the other side. I am feeling like all people I'm living for just go away. And I dont have the time to tell them a last goodbye or a I love you. The last time I took someone in my hands and tell I lvoe you it was when I visited my grand-mom( alzheimer one). Before went see her I jsut wanted to tell her how I loved her, I would carry her girl ( my mom) from anything if something had to happen and told her I will always be with her. But I could not even be alone with her.. I was to shy, WITH MY GRAND-MOM what kind of person am I? Cannot say to his grand-mother that he love her so much, after all she did to me when I was young. I was thinking about that when i saw her with my parents, was thinking about how retard I am. Th when it was time to go. She said bye to my parents, kissed my mom and make hug to my dad and they went a litle back. The my grand-mom take me so hard in her hands, you know, with real love, like if she would know how I was feeling, all my problems. And then, she told me at the ear, : I love you alex. I was surprised that she hold me so hard and tell me that, and to say my name when she hardly recognize her own girl. Then I finaly had an occasion to tell her I love you too grammy. Then I just went cry away because I dont want her to see me like that.
I would do anything to give back the taste of the life to my grand-mother, or cure my other grand-mom. I would give my own life for them, because one day my grand-dad told me: I helped you this time, because if I would be the one that need help I know you would have do it for me. And I know both of my grand-mom would have done anything for me.
Sorry if its very weird and alot of error. Because its late and im tired..
Its only to express myself and feel a litle better.
Alex.
Alex come and talk to me.