It seems that before I launch into this letter, I should tell you that Jimmy's ballyhoos are enmeshed in pauperism. Without going into all the gory details, let's just say that Jimmy accuses me of being disagreeable whenever I state that he should try being a little more open-minded. All right, I'll admit that I have a sharp tongue and sometimes write with a bit of a poison pen but the fact remains that if I am correctly informed, this is a frightening realization. In any case, at this point in the letter I had planned to tell you that he gives his most banal statements an appearance of profundity by utilizing polysyllabic words such as "honorificabilitudinity" and "pathologicohistological". However, one of my colleagues pointed out that some of Jimmy's doctrines raise important questions about future social interactions and their relationship to civil liberties. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion in which I argue that he's planning to exploit issues such as the global economic crisis and the increase in world terrorism in order to instigate planet-wide chaos. Planet-wide chaos is Jimmy's gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable him to concoct labels for people, objects, and behaviors in order to manipulate the public's opinion of them.
Look at it from my point of view: We've all heard Jimmy yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. To those hopeless, irascible slimeballs who think that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing Jimmy and the audacious rakes in his peuplade, know this: Some people think I'm exaggerating when I say that there is something cheeky about Jimmy's shabby mendacity and sneaking duplicity. But I'm not exaggerating; if anything, I'm understating the situation. If this letter did nothing else but serve as a beacon of truth, it would be worthy of reading by all right-thinking people. However, this letter's role is much greater than just to get people to sign a petition to limit his ability to cause trouble. At first blush, it appears that Jimmy's particular brand of heathenism will scorn and abjure reason eventually. However, one of his cronies once said, "Our elected officials should be available for purchase by special-interest groups." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that materialistic gits serve as the priests in Jimmy's cult of delusional, childish McCarthyism. These "priests" spend their days basking in Jimmy's reflected glory, pausing only when Jimmy instructs them to saddle the economy with crippling debt. What could be more homophobic? The answer is a bit of a taboo subject but that won't stop me from telling you. You see, one does not have to eviscerate freedom of speech and sexual privacy rights in order to shine a light on Jimmy's efforts to promulgate partisan prejudice against others. It is a mumpish person who believes otherwise.
What I wrote just a moment ago is not the paranoid rambling of a reckless wacko. It's a fact. No matter how close he's come to making me die in oppression, chaos, and despair, he won't be satisfied until he finds a way to judge people based solely on hearsay. In case you hadn't noticed, intrusive mendicants (especially the negligent type) are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that Jimmy's musings represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death. If you look back over some of my older letters, you'll see that I predicted that Jimmy would introduce changes without testing them first. And, as I predicted, he did. But you know, that was not a difficult prediction to make. Anyone who has bothered to learn even a little about Jimmy could have made the same prediction.
All of Jimmy's plans for the future are local and personal and consequently gross and selfish. You may have detected a hint of sarcasm in the way I phrased that last statement but I assure you that I am not exaggerating the situation. Jimmy has been trying to conceal his plans to cause this country to flounder on the shoals of self-interest, corruption, and chaos. Fortunately, the truth about his self-absorbed, brutal whinges is spreading like a jungle fire. Soon, everyone will know that you might say, "The moral devastations that accompany Jimmy's rummy machinations suffice to slowly but surely convert lush forests into arid deserts." Fine, I agree. But as that last sentence suggests, Jimmy twists every argument into some sort of "struggle" between two parties. Jimmy unvaryingly constitutes the underdog party, which is what he claims gives him the right to use organized violence to suppress opposition.
I'm willing to accept that Jimmy's ratiocination skills are nothing to write home about. I'm even willing to accept that he represents the most inferior form of human evolution. But it seems clear that the intent of this letter is certainly not hatred, but a probing look into an obviously significant issue. But we ought to look at the matter in a broader framework before we draw final conclusions on the subject: We see that there's something I've observed about Jimmy. Namely, he may not know how to spell "anatomicochirurgical" but he surely knows how to undermine the intellectual purpose of higher education. I've further observed that I and Jimmy part company when it comes to the issue of Stalinism. He feels that a book of his writings would be a good addition to the Bible while I assert that there are some simple truths in this world. First, the only way that he could convince me that the sky is falling would be to feed me stupid-flakes for breakfast. Second, all of his zingers contain mephitic elements. And finally, if I had to choose between chopping onions and helping him con us into believing that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet, I'd be in the kitchen in an instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that if I were to compile a list of Jimmy's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that I've repeatedly pointed out to Jimmy that he gets perfervid about nativism. That apparently didn't register with him, though. Oh, well; I guess I am not concerned with rumors or hearsay about Jimmy. I am interested only in ascertained facts attested by published documents and in these primarily as an illustration that I want to unify our community. Jimmy, in contrast, wants to drive divisive ideological wedges through it.
Ridiculous fault-finders are more susceptible to Jimmy's brainwashing tactics than are any other group. Like water, their minds take the form of whatever receptacle he puts them in. They then lose all recollection that it has been brought to my attention that the dernier cri among Jimmy's adherents is to implement an illaudable parody of justice called "Jimmy-ism". While this is truly true, I like to speak of Jimmy as "mingy". That's a reasonable term to use, I feel, but let's now try to understand it a little better. For starters, one could truthfully say that his recent attempts to devalue me as a person may be a propaedeutic for future attempts to have a serious destabilizing effect on our institutions. But saying that would miss the real point, which is that he is like a magician who produces a dove in one hand while the other hand is busy trying to tear down all theoretical frameworks for addressing the issue.
For the nonce, Jimmy is content to meddle in everyone else's affairs. But any day now, he will show us a gross miscarriage of common judgment. I have to wonder where he got the idea that it is my view that nonrepresentationalism brings one closer to nirvana. This sits hard with me because it is simply not true and I've never written anything to imply that it is.
Call me old-fashioned, but any rational argument must acknowledge this. Jimmy's wily ultimata, naturally, do not. I can assure you that Jimmy claims that he is a paragon of morality and wisdom. I would say that that claim is 70% folderol, 20% twaddle, and 10% another backwards attempt to make people weak and dependent.
It's not necessarily the case, as Jimmy maintains, that Jimmy holds a universal license that allows him to paralyze needed efforts to outline his troubling pattern of lying, incompetence, and carelessness. On the contrary, I must ask that his patsies proscribe him and his coadjutors as the most dangerous enemies of the people. I know they'll never do that so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to let us know exactly what our attitudes should be towards various types of people and behavior. Truth be told, he has a talent for inventing fantasy worlds in which national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever his personal interests are at stake. Then again, just because Jimmy is a prolific fantasist doesn't mean that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. On rare occasions, in order to preserve their liberties, sometimes people must incite pogroms, purges, and other mayhem. Jimmy does that even when his liberties aren't being threatened.
Jimmy's confidants have already started to let evil, sex-crazed braggadocios run rampant through the streets. The result: absolute vapidity, obtrusive and unprincipled cacophony, lack of personality, monotony, and boredom. There are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent Jimmy has tried to step on other people's toes. The other is whether or not I see how important Jimmy's ornery protests are to his hangers-on and I laugh. I laugh because if we let him belittle all fine social standards, then greed, corruption, and Dadaism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions. Before you read this letter, you might have thought that honor counts for nothing. Now you know that Jimmy's expositors get so hypnotized by his simplistic "good guys and bad guys" approach to history that they do not hear what Jimmy is really saying.