Grats to everyone on the attempts.
Quote (bobjalnski @ Nov 26 2012 06:22am)
u need to sleep more....
He's a machine. He NEVER sleeps.....
Quote (unicoke @ Nov 26 2012 06:43am)
im about to go to bed lol 6:43 am here
Oh wait........
Quote (KamikazePilot @ Nov 26 2012 06:56pm)
hey all just checking in to see how everyone is, the slashing going well?
Slowly, but ntb otherwise..... ty...
I'm really sorry for being so absentee for the last however long it has been. I am having some serious physical and psychological issues going on. It seems as of late I am tired and weak almost all the time which really doesn't make a lot of sense since I have finished my chemo. When I am awake I am short tempered and extremely snappy and on the edge of violence. I know that it is only because of the drugs still in my system from the chemo and the different drugs that I have to take on a daily basis and the constant stress and pressure I am under from having to see so many doctors.
I came so close to breaking one my oncologists jaw with my cane. I was told the chemo they were giving me wasn't going to my brain. That instantly set me into a rage which somehow I managed to control. The only cancer they found were the tumors in my brain. I was told that they had mestastastized from somewhere else in my body but they couldn't find it. They insisted that it was there somewhere even though numerous MRI's, CAT,PET, CT scans and x-rays showed nothing. I was pumped up with some blue liquid that was supposed to highlight anything cancerous. They told me that sometimes there were seeds that hid. Still can't find anything. The doctors tell me I am some kind of "Miracle of God" because I have cancer but I don't. That's the explanation I got.
Even though I am done with my chemo, I still have this CT Port implanted in my chest. It was what they used to inject drugs and withdraw blood from. It's where they hooked up my chemo line which had like 4 more injection ports in so that they can give me other meds at the same time. I have to wait a month after my last chemo for my next checkup ( which is in December).
Thenthey will schedule me for more Scans and x-rays and other tests before they decide what to do next.
Back to the chemo that doesn't go to my brain and the CT Port. Like I said it is implanted in my chest. It is about 3 inches below my collar bone and has a tube that runs into the vein on the side of my neck. Please tell me, just how the fuck does something that is injected into a major vein
NOT go to your brain???????? The chemo isn't for the tumors in my brain. It's for the cancer that they say is there but cannot find. The 15 Radiation treatments were supposed to reduce, maybe even eliminate the tumors in my brain. Well it's fucking impossible for it o kill or maybe even reduce all f them. Considering where they were placed. They would have to destroy almost my entire brain to get to the worst one. Great. I'm brain dead and a vegetable but they got 3 of the 4. Bunch of fucking cocksucking bullshit if you ask me.
For several reasons I had to have all of my teeth pulled. 1 doctor did that and I was sent to anther one for molds to be set for my dentures. When I was being molded, they asked if I felt any pain, I told them I felt a sharp pinch on the lower left front. She made notes and sent me back to my first one for surgery. He ended up cutting open almost my entire bottom jaw. Out came the drill, sander and hammer and chisel. He worked on my mouth in 2 different spots. Neither of which was the only place I had complained about. After my surgery I was rescheduled to be molded again. I made the same complaint again. I also told her about the hole that was still in my mouth that was still full of packing. She informed me that it wasn't packing that I felt. it was exposed bone. She was pretty pissed off about the work he had done. Guess just how the fuck I felt. Now I have to go back for more surgery to hopefully get the only spot that he had to work on to begin with and get more bone hacked off so that the open spot can be sewn up. This better be the last time I have to do this or I am going to have someones ass on a fricking spit over a campfire. I'm pretty much done with being cut open chopped on and sewn up and being in pain for days because of some stupid shit. It has been over 2 months now since my teeth were pulled. Would anyone care to guess how hard it is to eat ribs or fried chicken or pretty much anything except tomato soup without teeth?
I do most of the cooking. Imagine how I feel cooking burgers, lasagna, racks of ribs and other shit I can't eat. Imagine how I feel watching other people eating things that I so desperately want to eat but cannot. Even worse, imagine how I feel watching my dogs eat what I can't because there is always some left over but not always enough to put in the fridge to save for a snack or whatever the next day. It has actually made me so sad and frustrated that I have ended up in tears.
Well I guess that's all I have to complain about for now(much to the relief of everyone else I'm sure.) I know they get tired of hearing e complain here. They just feel so sorry for me that they just let me rant and rage and go on with it. I know it scares them when I start to get on the verge of violence. So far I haven't broke anything or hurt anyone. I do still have enough control not to. It really scares me that one day I may not be able to. It scares me more than you can imagine. I have a lot of help from loved ones and God above to help me control it.
Please keep in mind that no matter how much I complain about any or all of my problems, I am still grateful to be here and to have what I have. I know that there are many people out there who have it worse than I do I thank God for each day and every breath. I know that things may be hard now, but one day- hopefully soon- things will get better.I pray to God every night that things will get better soon. I remember the story of " The Monkeys Paw" and try to very careful what I wish for.
I really don't expect anyone to read that WOT. It's just something I had to get off my chest.
I'm gonna try to get some levels tonight. With any kind of luck I'll be able to catch a run. Luck? lol....... More like a miracle......
Much
for y'all.