Quote (God_apostle @ Aug 3 2011 09:29pm)
and you're not on cod why?
watching sucker punch, ill be on in ~20-30 minutes
this movie makes NO fucking sense what so ever. but the girls are so fucking hot, and the first scene with the main character and her sword is... oooohhhhhhhhyeahhhh...
heres a recap that i found hilariously spot on
RECAPPIN IT BROSEPHStop me if you’ve heard this one. So this old guy kills his hot (I think?) young (perhaps?) wife (??) for the money in her will (pretty sure that’s why). But he gets super pissed because he didn’t check first to see if he was actually in the will (oopsie daisy!) and she gave all that money to her daughters instead. Zuckerpunch!(TM)
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And then this fat old bitch almost rapes his dead wife’s older daughter (almost rape is the worst kind of rape), but then decides not to rape her. Instead, he locks the older daughter up and lets her watch him death-rape her younger sister through a keyhole. Sidebar: I suspect this was his plan all along because he would have had to experiment to find the perfect death-rape position with respect to the person watching through the aforementioned keyhole. But anyway — holy shit — the older daughter climbs out the window down a spout of some sort and gets a gun!
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But she doesn’t kill this old ballsack-smelling motherfucker because she shoots a lightbulb instead of his giant, fat old body (she hates those lightbulbs!). And that act of cold-blooded lightbulb murder results in her being locked up in some asylum. I guess. And that benefits the old guy … probably. Oh, and the younger sister died somehow. Maybe it was from disappointment over not being death-raped?
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OK, we’ve finally covered the first 2 minutes of Sucker Punch. Get ready for a fucking stupid ride.
Sucker Punch is a movie that literally makes no sense and exists for no reason at all, except because the director, Zack Snyder, made a shitload of money on his past few movies. His financial success apparently convinced the studio to let him remake his film school demo reel from 1995 with cutting edge special effects from 1996. Shut up, Zack! Will you shut up if I tell you I think you are cool and a true artist? Will you?!
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Alright. The rest of the movie is a series of barely connected events. So the older sister (who is a super hot 14 year old named Babydoll) winds up in a mental institution from the early 1900s. What era does this movie take place in? Ah, who gives a fuck.
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Right off the bat, the guys at the institution agree with the old nutsack that Babydoll should get a lobotomy. No questions asked. It definitely seems like going straight past therapy to lobotomy is a sound policy.
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Then Babydoll maybe gets raped by the guard. I’m not sure. Then there is a hot psychiatrist.
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Then Don Draper almost gives Babydoll a lobotomy (almost-lobotomies are worse than almost-deathrapes!). But Babydoll transforms into some other girl at a strip club, who is busy learning a hot lobotomy-themed stage routine (so typical of classy strip clubs!).
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And then Babydoll is being brought into the club by a priest (who is played by the old bitch from two minutes earlier). This priest apparently gets the hottest 14 year old tail from orphanages and brings them to strip clubs to be strippers. Cool story! Makes sense!
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Then Donnie Darko’s sister (Rocket) is showing Babydoll around the club, and is also lookin’ good. Oh shit, there’s Vanessa Hudgens! Take your top off, Vanessa! Why aren’t you taking your top off?! It’s not like I haven’t seen your tits before!
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OK, so at this strip club, everyone has their own routine that they use in order to get raped by the patrons? Yes, I am pretty sure they are deliberately trying to get raped, because that is their chance to get out (rapescape?). This movie should be called “Rapedance.”
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Oh, and then Rocket uses her “Catch me stealing chocolate and rape me” routine on the chef and almost gets raped, but gets rape-blocked by Babydoll. What the nigger, Babydoll? Don’t you want Rocket to rapescape? This almost-rape occurs on two levels of reality: the club level and the asylum level.
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Babydoll dances next, and her rapedance mystically transports her to Bill, of Kill Bill fame. Yep! Now there are three levels of stupid reality. So maybe the movie should be called “Rapedanception.” Because of the levels, you see. Rudy. Theo. Jello. Dancing!
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Bill tells her about some things she has to get in order to win (?), gives her some weapons, and she fights three robot dudes. The fight is very cartoony and video-game-ey. Wow, I totes want to play this game! But I totes don’t want to watch this movie.
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The club owners/asylum dudes really like Babydoll’s rapedance, which apparently was very hot and rawwwwdog. The audience does not get to see it, but it is represented by the fight sequence. I guess. We are left to assume it is super-boner-rific. Not acceptable!
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Since Babydoll has the rapest rapedance of all, the girls decide to use her as a distraction to get the four items. Oh, I forgot to mention that Babydoll tells the girls about Kill Bill’s escape plan. Oh, I forgot to mention that Kill Bill had an escape plan. Anyway, they need a map, fire, and …er… some other stuff. This movie is very hard to follow.
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To get the map they all go inside Babydoll’s WWI dream. Of course, the Asian girl gets a bunny mech, and there are steampunk zombie Nazis. Yes. Did Zack Snyder somehow film my favorite dream from when I was in 4th grade?
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By the way, there is no reason for this alternate, alternate reality to exist. Does a rapescape take exponentially longer the deeper into the rapedance you go? Is the rapevan still falling off the rapebridge? Help me P’bama!
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Whatever. The movie continues to make no sense to the degree that I can’t even explain it without sounding crazy. Bill tells them that to get fire they need to slit a baby’s throat and it will be the most magnificent flame they’ve ever seen. Shit, someone hand me a baby! Oh, nevermind, you need a baby dragon. Yeah fist the shit out of that dragon-neckwound-pussy! Question: Why does the dragon-neckwound-pussy-dance make the guard cry? I cried, too. From my penis!
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OK so there is another boring, 3rd-level-rapedance fight and finally the girls get caught. Then Babydoll helps the bitch escape who was completely against Babydoll’s escape plan in the beginning. This is the girl who was in the movie the least out of all the rapedancers. Oh, and I guess Babydoll accidentally shot her sister. And the asylum guard is a rapist (no shit!). Well, at least the girl that the movie wasn’t focusing on at all escaped, and the heroine got a lobotomy! Cool story, bro!
This post was edited by ItsDave on Aug 3 2011 09:55pm