I have been seeing some people mention blogs on this site, so I figured I would maybe try it out myself.

I have an addiction to D2JSP. More specifically, I have an addiction to checking for updates regarding the D2R ladder and then getting sucked into D2JSP. I planned on taking a break from JSP and the game until March, but I am still around for some reason, checking in the middle of the night just in case some update is out there.

I want Ladder to come around already for D2R. I want to use it as an opportunity to make something for myself. I want to stream and maybe make a living somehow with the only thing in life I am super passionate about - Diablo 2. Fuck, is it hard for me to do, though. My anxiety is fucking terrible and every time I try to prep and get something going, I get discouraged by the thought of fucking up or having no one to talk to. In the end, I always make excuses for myself and I don't do anything.

I constantly feel stuck. If it isn't my anxiety or depression causing issues, it is my physical disability. If it isn't my physical disability, it is getting fucking overstimulated by miniscule outside distractions. I hate getting overstimulated to the point where I have an autistic breakdown over my cats wanting attention as I play or my wife wanting to listen to music or talk. It is frustrating, not gonna lie.

My sister-in-law is also autistic and has almost the exact same "flavor" of autism as I do. We are both diagnosed the same but she has some medical professionals that take her more seriously and I am honestly a little bitter. Why does she get access to Adderall and medical marijuana that helps her immensely, while my doctors are vehemently against those sorts of things. She is functional and capable of social requirements but I am so far from it that it isn't even funny. The three of us (my SIL, wife, and I) talk about how much I would likely benefit from the access to medication she has, but damn, would I like an actually empathetic doctor right about now.

Meanwhile, because I am physically disabled, poor, and fat, I am discriminated against because doctors assume I want drugs to abuse them. I can't talk about this stuff without it apparently screaming "hey, I am or want to be a drug addict!" - No. I just want to be able to go to the store on my own without breakdowns from being overstimulated as fuck. I just want to be able to not want to cry when my cats REALLY want attention while I am trying to practice speedrunning. I wanna be able to go to gatherings of more than 2 or 3 people without going nuts and haywire, yknow? But no, I can't have that.