d2jsp
Log InRegister
d2jsp Forums > Off-Topic > General Chat > User Blogs > My Life Is In The Toilet And Idk How To Get It Out
Add Reply New Topic
Member
Posts: 4,891
Joined: Sep 13 2012
Gold: 33.00
Jun 21 2020 12:06am
alright pat
it is just you and me now
what we have here is the ultimate battle
me versus crippling depression
we've had this battle before
and depression is currently 10-0
it is once again the odds on favorite to defeat me

my girlfriend and i broke up after 6 years together
it's been over a month now and it still just doesn't feel real
i just don't know what to do, i don't sleep at night and when i wake up it's just panic that i'm completely and totally alone
i just cannot imagine any scenario where i'll be okay after this
i don't know what to do
i wake up and just sit on the couch and watch the fucking news and eat
i'm literally on a first name basis with a guy at a pizza chain from the last few weeks and he doesn't even speak english
he recognizes my name from the online order
i came in the other night and the girl asked me "pick up for tyler?" and then the guy just appeared and says 'no that's pickup for pat pender'
the sad thing is that was the first moment in weeks where i even felt like i existed as a person
outside of my shitty retail job i'm just in this house by myself
nothing would be different if i just wasn't here anymore

i just don't know what to do
the days are so long and i just sit here
i can only re-watch the office so many times
i'm playing d2 not because i enjoy it but because i literally don't know how else to get rid of time
i would at least go to the gym if i could but they're still shut down
sports are all cancelled
i've literally been masturbating so often that it's just too tiring now
i just hate everything so bad
i can't do this
that is how i feel
and all i want to do is tell her that so we can just patch this right up but i can't ruin the both of our lives
she wants a baby and i just can't do it
but the thought that i could just make all of these bad feelings go away with a simple text is cruel
but she deserves better than that

i just wish i could fast forward through this
i wish it was 6 months in the future already and i'm reading this knowing i feel better now
but right now i just wish i was dead
i don't want any part of life
it's so scary and so lonely
i've got nothing left in me to offer
that's how it feels right now

i hope future pat makes it out okay
for now though
it's just me and you and these words
Member
Posts: 4,891
Joined: Sep 13 2012
Gold: 33.00
Jul 5 2020 11:07pm
alright
bunch of more feelings and shit i felt today
the kind of feeling feelings...that feel...feely
that's mr. krabs way of saying boy i wish i was dead today
days off work are just horrible
it was a bad week
i saw anns sister at work and she hugged me and i had to cry afterwards
then a few days later i saw her best friend and i got anxious and awkward as fuck so just kind of hid away
and then yesterday her whole family was at work and i just hid in the warehouse until i knew they were finished shopping
canada day was a fucking disaster
i sat on my couch and just cried for a few hours and went to bed
not a great week
but i also need to talk about cat lady
i am very grateful for cat lady because she has truly helped me in these hard times
but holy fuck
this situation reached a ridiculous level
really long story short, her cat ran away and she was really sad about it
understandable
but we're not just talking sad
we're talking BIG sad
the first few nights she was missing i said i'd come over after work and help her look which we did
she cried a few times and i did my best to console her
but then my entire life became about this cat
i take my break at work, she is messaging me about how saw she is about her cat
i take my lunch break; sad cat update
i get off work, it is sad cat update until i sleep
it was just hours and hours of me telling her it's going to be okay
meanwhile
you know
i'm sort of going through some stuff myself
BUT NO
YOUR CAT IS THE MAIN PRIORITY HERE
i was growing increasingly resentful about this situation
about 4 days in it was 2:30 am one night and i swear to fucking god i was on hour 3 of telling her things will be okay
i decided to take a walk and she said she tripped and fell
obviously i'm concerned so i'm like are you okay
and she's like yeah, i'm just sitting heartbroken on my couch crying it's all good
and man
it's not like i want to talk about any of my feelings with anyway
that's why i'm just writing them in this anonymous space of emptiness
but holy christ lady
how am i the one who has to keep telling you things are going to be okay about your missing cat while i've been literally wishing for death upon myself wtf
anyway
she had missed work because of the state she was in so i told her on my days off i'd go look for the cat so she could return to work
in the end i do really like her and want to help
as it happens, she had set a cat trap outside her house, just a little cage with food and stuff in it to try to lure her back
anyway, i tell her i'll look when she's at work
she says thanks
and then she's like, well the tuna in the cat trap is probably gone bad and doesn't smell as good so you'll have to change the tuna every few hours
i was like uh okay
i was just going to look for her but okay
AND THEN
SHE'S LIKE
I'M ALL OUT OF TUNA
SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN TUNA
BRING MY OWN TUNA
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
i just can't comprehend how that sentence ever was constructed
bring my own fucking tuna what lady
i'm not coming to make a sandwich for myself
it's just the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened
it's not at all a big deal
i would gladly donate 50 cans of tuna to her
i will give her a lifetime supply of tuna if she wanted
but wtf
i was just trying to do something nice and when she told me to bring my own fucking tuna it just rubbed be the wrong way so hard
i just felt like a cuck
obviously i was like yeah sure np i'll pick some up
anyway
i went and picked up some tuna
i woke up at the brink of dawn
got like 3 hours of sleep so i could spend the whole day searching
and when i wake up she sends me a message saying the cat came back a few minutes ago and not to worry about it anymore
lol!
LOL!

This post was edited by Reginaaccchecker13 on Jul 5 2020 11:11pm
Go Back To User Blogs Topic List
Add Reply New Topic