It's all a big joke you think you're in charge you it isn't that way amalgamation of physical cascades resulting in an understanding , want, need, whatever but no actual desire, no wish or goal other than impulses fixed by every event prior to ones life and the current moment stretched back to time immemorial comminuted to the smallest fraction of a process which led inexorably to you here now you are not special you're only following natural law u have no claim to anything but the caprices of nature , you're a captain with no sail, your God is the wind