holy fuck
i gotta write this down somewhere and its not like i have friends
anyway

working in alberta
i'm at a company called bee-clean which just goes to various oil fields and cleans the trainers and shit
their slogan is "bee-clean" with literally a bumblbee with a broom (????)
how'd they ever secure work with that fucking LOGO I HAVE NO IDEA
some people may call this work as 'bitch work'
i would agree w/ those people
the fact of the matter is tho it's still great money and i'm not beneath bitch work
i'd go further in saying that i excel at bitch work
idk if that makes me a bitch per se but that's neither who nor there
most of the people up here are not white
a good example of this is that i'm the only single white person in this company
i work with 2 filipinos, and uh 5 Somalians
they fired 1 somalian on day 1 cos his english was so bad
ok
the others seem nice enough
except for this fucking one girl
everybody calls her katie because her real name is 18 syllables with the entire alphabet in it
i rarely understand what she is saying
and her butt tho
holy fuck her butt
it's as big as a fucking refrigerator
it just looks so bizarre
it's just her body and then when he gets to her arse it just sticks out something fierce
wtf
why did god do this
what purpose does this giant fucking ass serve
anyway
4 of us were on break and we're working night shift so it's dead quiet and silent in the air
we're all on our phones because it's not like we're gonna chat
fucking katie puts in headphones and i guess starts listening to music
all of a sudden there's just this high pitched fucking humming
like when you listen to a song in a high pitch and you try to sing it but you fucking cant because nobodys voice goes that high
this was her
but she refused to accept the fact that her voice DID NOT GO THAT HIGH
and i just felt so incredibly awkward because people are staring at her and i'm sure we're all thinking 'what the fuck'
but she doesn't stop
and i guess the song was sad because her voice started trembling like she was gonna cry
????????
where am i ????????
holy fuck
can't wait to go back again in an hour lol!
somebody end this miserable existence lol!

i worked with a girl named Donna for the last two months
i've never been more strangely attracted to a woman before
she was built like a lumberjack
she had super skinny legs but this massive beer-gut and literally no titties
i'm frankly uncertain if she was a girl at all
but man
cute tho
she also wore super baggy pants like a thug
in other words, i found myself thinking about this pesudo man-lesbian beer-gut lumberjack naked
in any case, she was pretty cool and super interesting
she told me stories about how she did mega tons of cocaine all the time and beat up women at the bar
damn donna, you're cool as fuck
maybe i just want you to beat me up or something
anyway, i was getting pretty comfortable with her and today we were chatting
she said she was going to church after work, so i started joking around and giving her shit
this was great, i thought
a nice back and forth banter between a possible man i'd like to sex
we're great pals
maybe everything will work out for me in the end
about 5 minutes later after giving her shit, she just looks at me and says "you do know by church i'm talking about NA"
wtf is NA
"narcotics anonymous"
o
k well this doesn't have to be awkward, just save yourself further embarrassment
"that seems like it'd be fun"

it was nice knowing donna for the last few weeks
i'll never see her again, as i now must quit to avoid her
but i hope everything works out for her

also
i was working with this new guy a few days ago
where i work, we're required to have a bunch of shit on (hard hat, steel toe boots, safety gloves, etc)
he goes to introduce himself
"hey; rolando"
he extends an arm
hey, this guy seems pretty cool already
i go to take off my glove, but realize he's wearing the gloves too so it'd be pointless
i stop taking off my glove and go to shake his hand
he sees me starting to take off my glove, then takes off his
i then do not know what to do so i just shake his skin hand with my gloves still on
i've been handling garbage all day
i transfer a mixture of what i can only describe as shit coffee ass cream to his hands
i'm looking at his eyes as we shake hands and i can tell he feels the aids slurry i just transferred to him
"haha" i say, as my years of social training has taught me to do
about 10 minutes later, i left that area to go to a new one
it was nice knowing rolando while i did, though i will never see him again, either
man what a dumb week

I love you

so i did quit
i was hoping they'd give me a layoff so i could go on ei, but i guess they don't recognize leaving from alienating co-workers through sheer awkwardness as a valid reason
okay well i quit i guess
i was able to book a flight through air miles the next day to go home, so i was pretty happy about that at least
that day was today
absolutely beautiful day, not a bad flight, got window seats, will arrive in Newfoundlandia saturday morning just in time for the long weekend
things might be okay for me after all
before i leave to go to the airport, i call the cable company to make sure i have internet when i get in
there's no fucking way im sitting in my house an entire weekend without wifi
i think, yeah this will take a few minutes
"hello, cable company? yeah turn that shit back on, alright thanks"
yeah just a quick call to clear this right up
yeah, you'll need to wait 30 minutes to speak to somebody
alright, i have a bit of time, this won't take long
i finally talk to the guy, tell him the dealio
the dealio of life
the internet and shit is all under my dads name, so i just said i was him
it's not like they're going to do a fraud check for somebody wanting to pay bills
that wouldn't make any fucking sense
what the fuck
"yeah sorry sir, your voice isn't matching at all with our recording"
?????
WHO CARES IF IT DOESN'T MATCH I LITERALLY WANT TO JUST PAY A FUCKING BILL
okay whatever, i go downstairs to wake my dad from sleep and shove the phone in his face
TELL THEM UR THE REAL MR PENDER SO THEY GIVE ME INTERNET
"blaarhghg" he mumbles into the phone
"ah, alright sir, we'll just set this up again"
yeah, just turn the fucking internet switch from off to on and we can be done
nah
i was on the phone for 45 minutes
at the point, my flight was in 1 hour so i had to hurry
he still wasn't fucking done
this man was on a mission to read the entire fucking Torah to me
i tell him he'll just have to call me back after i get to the airport
he tells me i'll have to wait again
ok lol!
better get to the airport
cab shows up, muslim guy
i'm going to the airport, clearly have a giant packed suitcase
he does not step out of the cab, so i yell at him to open the trunk
he opens the trunk, i put the fucking suitcase in myself
he walks out after i've done all the work, then closes the trunk
i'm still under the trunk
he slams the trunk down on my fucking head
"oh my god, are you all right?"
yeah i say, completely not alright
just get me to the fucking airport
my head is hurting so i have to keep my hand on it for medical reasons
this motherfucker is playing some music from india or some shit
just high pitched wailing from a woman with no rights and a fucking harp
he was singing along to the wailing
which would be fine on its own
but he wasn't just fucking singing, he was doing this half-hearted mumbling
instead of singing it was just in and out voice-cracking nonsense
okay lol!
he's driving slow as fuck
i'm getting antsy
everything should be fine, relax
turns out he's one of those guys who slows down at green lights to anticipate a red light
ah, green light, i see. god's looking out for me
habib starts slowing her down
?????????
we're going 5 mph at a green light
he finally gets his wish and it turns red and it stops lol!
he does this for the next 4 lights lol!
it's 10:00 now, flights at 10:50 and we're not there yet
airports right around the corner though
we finally get there, it's the most expensive fare i've ever had going to the airport (40$)
he doesn't get out to help with my luggage or even open the fucking trunk
YEAH THATS ALRIGHT BUDDY I GOT IT
i enter the airport
it's 10:12, flights at 10:50
"yeah, i'm going to toronto"
"you're late, you can't get on"
?????????
?????????????
????????????????
what
it's only 10:12 i say, as an average intelligence rational adult
"they need 45 minutes to scan the baggage, you can get on but your bag can't"
?????????
NIGGA I CAN'T TRAVEL WITHOUT MY FUCKING BAG HOW DOES THAT HELP
i explain to this man, a phillippino with earings
"sorry" he says, completely expressionless without a tone, as if i'm trying to order a fucking coffee and he's out of cream
"i can look at the next flight to see if you can get on that one"
okay, let's do that
"hmm, you booked through air miles. you'll have to call them to do it"
okay lol!
i call them, but before i speak to somebody i have to set up a fucking PIN AND AN ACCOUNT OKAY
i do that, finally get a hold of someone at last
"yeah we'll book you a new flight!"
thank you my pakistanian princess
i would wed you this very day
"how does monday sound"
???????????
monday?
BITCH ITS FRIDAY
HOW DOES MONDAY HELP
THAT'S THE END OF THE LONG WEEKEND
i tell her never mind
i figure i'll just have to get on the plane without my bag, maybe my dad can come down and get it and ship it or something
it's better than nothing
alright, mr philippino, i accept your terms
the bag stays
"sorry sir it is now too late to board"
???
what
IT IS NOW TOO LATE TO BOARD
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT'S TOO LATE TO BOARD
"you have to board within 30 minutes"
i was on the phone setting up my fucking pin and it was now 10:28
okay lol!
i'm now crying tears of anger, something i've never seen before
i call back pakistantian air miles girl
i enter in my pin
it's a new person
"yeah i need to cancel my flight"
"sorry sir, you need to cancel within 2 hours of your flight to get a refund"
?
i explain the situation, told her about my pakistantian princess, the one person who tried to help me this day
"sorry sir, that's the policy"
okay lol!
i call a taxi
"yes sir, there's one right outside already"
i go to it
it's the same guy who had dropped me off
the indian music is still playing
"yeah take me back home"
this has without a doublt been one of the worst days of my entire fucking life



i love you too

This post was edited by Reginaaccchecker13 on May 18 2018 01:05pm

you made me laugh so hard.
pat everything will be okay.

Love you pat