I suppose I just want to be able to talk about how I feel on certain days, especially on shitty days. I feel as if expressing things to people who don't know me might help a little bit, and may make dealing with it a bit easier. I guess I'll start with how my life has been going up till this point
I was born in Roanoke, Virginia, and lived there for a few months. My parents only moved there because my dad was getting his PhD in psychology at Marshall in Virginia. My mom and him, along with my older brother, who is 7 years older than me planned to live there for a while, but my mom and dad wanted
to move when my brother started to develop a Virginian accent, and they didn't want him to have one (sounds stupid I know but I think its hilarious). They moved back to where my brother was born, which is Marquette, Michigan, the biggest town in the upper peninsula of Michigan, but nothing too huge. A quaint
little place honestly, I wish I could go back often. We lived there until I was about 8 years old, we moved because my dad was gone every week in the lower peninsula, and being 400ish miles away wasn't very thrilling for him or my mom. They decided to pack it up and we moved to Ocala, Florida. I really enjoyed
it there as well, I met my best friend named Tyler and we were and still are very tight and keep in touch a few times a week. I lived there and continued from 5th grade to halfway through 10th grade, but I switched schools every year there. I had been to 6 schools by the time we moved from Florida, and every school
change wasn't due to any issues with me, just different living conditions that came with my dads job and my grandma who was sick for a while, somehow she's still alive (sounds bad but shes a tough one with everything she's been through) and having to move into bigger houses because of her moving in with us, or
moving to smaller houses because she was moving out. I never felt like I belonged at any of the schools there, not because I didn't have friends or anything, I just felt like I was somehow different than everyone else. All the other kids at the schools lived in semi impoverished households, but I always had it decently
well off because of my parents. I can never complain or anything about any of the things my parents have ever done for me. Something just didn't, and still doesn't, make me feel like I belong anywhere. I moved from Florida in October of my sophomore year of high school, and I was devastated naturally. But I had
gotten used to moving around and letting go of people, and it is still very easy for me to just let go of people and not really think twice about it, which is a blessing and a curse really. When we moved we moved to Owosso, Michigan, a semi rural town that's pretty small and there isn't a whole lot to do here, but its quiet
for the most part and I enjoy that. I tried to keep in contact with all of my close friends in Florida, but now I only talk to one, Tyler, and its a few times a week and never for a real long time. It makes me really sad that I don't get to see him all the time, we were always there for each other and we were bros, had each
others backs no matter what. I have a few friends here now, my sophomore year I tried not to make any friends, not by being mean or anything, but just by not talking to anyone, because I figured I was just going to end up moving again, but I made 2 friends on accident towards the end of the year and over that summer.
In junior year, about 3/4's of the way through I really opened up. I started talking to girls that I had interests in, and got a little more confidence. I was pretty over weight, I weighed 295 and was 6'5, but I'll come back to that later. I met a girl that I instantly had the strongest feelings I've ever felt for anyone, and her
name is Caitlin. Her and I stuck together like glue in the class we had together, which was art 3. I really wanted to ask her to hangout and stuff all over the end of the year and over summer, but I was too afraid to talk to her because I wasn't sure how it would go, even though looking back on it, it was really obvious that
we both had feelings for each other. Finally, around August 16, a few days from her birthday, and my birthday as well (our birthdays are 7 days apart) we made plans to hangout! I was so excited, and nervous. I had just gotten back from Evo 2015 (fighting game tournament) which I entered in super smash bros melee,
and then I went to Tennessee to visit my brother, and I had just gotten back and we made plans. Things went so well, and had gone so well and I had the happiest 6 months of my entire life. She made me feel like I belonged, she made me feel like I was worth something. I was previously depressed and sad a bit, and she
washed all of that around. She truly was my first love, and she will always hold a special place in my life. We broke up on February 7th, and it wasn't a messy breakup or anything, it was just because she's afraid of it going bad while we are in college because we will be going to different colleges and stuff. I understood, and
I had similar concerns, but I would never have broken up with her. I know she didn't do it because she was sick of me or anything I know it was for her and I's best interest. But it hurt, unintentionally from her. I can remember the last time I've been genuinely happy, and it was the 3rd of February, we had just celebrated
our 6 month anniversary and I was beyond words. I have had some good days, and some bad days, mostly bad days. But this weekend has by far been the worst, I'm not sure what exactly it is, maybe I'm finally coming to realize that we aren't dating anymore or something. I still talk to her every day, texting wise and stuff, I can't
stop talking to her. We tried to stop talking and neither of us could stand it, its hard and I know it might be making things harder for both of us, but I don't want to stop talking to her, shes still basically my best friend and we are on good terms and I just like having someone to talk to. None of my other friends except for Tyler
really seem to care about how I'm doing, either that or they don't know what to say if I tell them honestly how I feel. So I've basically stopped talking to people about how I feel, and maybe this weekend has been hard because I feel trapped in my own mind, I have a test that I was supposed to study and a pretty big essay
due tomorrow, but I didn't study or do the essay because I felt extremely unmotivated. These are important too, they could make me keep a grade higher than B so I don't have to take my exams, but instead I just laid on my bed and couch and slept, and felt just down the whole time. I found some new music, and I just feel
like I need little things to keep me going. I've been playing a lot of Diablo 2 because there's a million ways to get better, and the community for the most part is pretty cool and I just want to play with people and be nice to people I guess. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and its hard, but I'm really trying and frankly struggling.
I've never really had suicidal thoughts, so I guess I have that going for me, I just am scared of the future and scared of my own thoughts more or less and my feelings. I dont know if anyone will really care about this, probably not, but I just wanted to express myself in this I guess. Thanks for reading if you did, if you didn't that's okay
too, just be nice to people around you and keep those you love close I guess.
I'll probably post here on days that are bad mostly, but maybe on good days too. Thanks again for reading.
also I forgot to add that I lost 65 pounds over junior to senior summer, I guess I spaced out on that fact
This post was edited by Jonesle on Mar 20 2016 10:07pm