Two years ago I lost almost all of my weight, but my depression brought me down. I didn't even know I had depression, I always thought I was unhappy because of reasons that I could change, that I was just lazy and once I fixed them I could be normal and maybe not even happy but atleast normal.

I was told over and over again if I lost my weight i'd be happy and it's true that it helped with my depression but it didn't end it, I had the wrong expectations and when I was in one of my more down times I "lost my footing" and fell for what felt like forever.

I got up to 260 pounds my biggest yet, I am unhappy everyday whether it's from self loathing or just how nothing ever looks good to me anymore like the whole world is painted in gray I can't see color anymore.

I was sure I was going to kill myself, but since I havn't done it yet I realized there was something keeping me here, something that had to be more important to me then giving up, if there wasn't then why had I not done it yet?

I believe it's my family, they mean more to me then anything and the only thing that I feel I would miss if I left and hurting them with my most selfish action would just be a terrible way to repay them for everything I owe them.

So im going to wager it all, I put in my two weeks at my shit job and im going to lose weight, and start studying for a real job and put on a fake smile and hope that with time it feels natural enough that I can fool them.

I've given up on being happy myself but if im going to be alive and miserable I might aswell try to make them proud and happy. This plans biggest flaw is that it all rest on me and i've shown over and over again that I am incapable of accomplishing anything.

That's why if I fail and I can't do it then it just proves that the thing I thought was most important to me isn't worth trying for and I will just give up and kill myself.

Im writing this down to help my resolve so in a few months if im still in the same spot and I havn't made any changes to my life to make the people I care about stop worrying about me I will know exactly what I was thinking and feeling when I started and what I should do.