So the premise was, people would post their pictures, and then other people would create a fictional medieval fantasy character based on what they looked like. I ended up writing like a 10 page story and including almost a dozen people. Here it is.

The Tale of Ser Fartington Googenshat

Ser Fartington Googenshat

A man who has out grown his armor, Ser Fartington Googenshat has been traveling the country side trying to find a farmer to take him in. It is about time that he retire and start ramming his lance in to something other than a shield, if you know what I mean.

He happened upon a modest farm, the owner of which had many daughters. But one stood out amongst them all and struck the old knight's fancy.

Johnetta was on her knees in a pile of cow shit, working the udders of an old sow when the knight approached her that first day. "Do you spend a lot of time on your knees, m'lady?" he asked her. She giggled shyly, realizing that the old knight had lost his touch with women. "That depends, do you always have such a loose tongue?" she replied.

Ser Googenshat laughed so hard that he farted, rattling the chainmail beneath his studded light plate armor. About that time, the knight's squire hobbled in to the farmyard on an old nag.

The knight's squire was cursing up a storm as he heeled his old ass's sides as deeply as he could, the beast hardly budging. He had to hop off and push the donkey from the rear in order to make any forward progress. "Shitworth, get out from behind that ass and make yourself useful!" yelled Ser Fartington, only briefly realizing that he'd said another ridiculous double entendre.

"Yes, m'lord, right away." cried Shitworth as he ran up to the sty where the maid was milking. "And who might this lass be?" he inquired. "I'm Johnetta Toiletan, third daughter of Dorandan Toiletan. We live a modest life here in the country side away from heathens like you and your lord."

Squire Shitworth

Johnetta Toiletan

Taken aback, the knight and his squire decided that their time at this particular farm was up. Shitworth repositioned himself behind his burro, and began to push. "Well m'lady, sounds like we'll be on our way." the knight said as he mounted his horse, blasting Johnetta in the face with a massive fart.

Another of the farmer's daughters ran out from the barn carrying a pale full of water. When she reached the trough where Johnetta was, she dumped what was left of the water in to the trough and smirked at her sister.

"Johnetta, have you done something different with your hair?" she asked. Indeed, this hairstyle change was not intended. The force of Ser Fartington's parting gift had left her hair in a tangled mess.

"It's not funny Mirianus! Some old knight just wandered by and made a pass at me....in more than one way it would seem..." her voiced trailed off, a light sob becoming audible.

"Ahh, do you want me to go fight him? I'm the tough one remember?!" Mirianus exclaimed. She produced a wooden handled dagger from between her breasts and waved it around, making whooshing sounds with her mouth.

"You realize you look like an idiot." her sister informed her. "Aye, but a dangerous idiot!" she replied, "and those are the worst kind!"

Mirianus Toiletan

Maestress Myrgapah

Meanwhile, in the northern province of Queefendom....

Was in a dark room, hovering over a crystal ball. "Hmm, yes...yes...I see. So the old bastard is headed our way....I must tell the Master." Maestress Myrgapah shuffled through the musty stone hall towards the broken throne room.

Was sitting on slightly mildewed pillows, set atop a cold, stone chair when the wench arrived. "Come forward Maestress. What have you see?" the King asked.

"Well my lord, your old foe, Ser Googenshat is working his way through the belly of your kingdom as we speak. He travels with his squire, Shitworth." she explained.

The King began stroking the hilt of his sword, appearing deep in thought. "How many days before we can expect him?" he asked. "Two days as the crow flies...Five considering that fat ass he's got in tow." the wench explained.

"Leave me, I've got some plans to make." he stated, dismissing his advisor. "As you wish King Albertus, Breaker of Wind."

The King gripped the pommel of his sword...

King Albertus, Breaker of Wind

"The old bastard will never see this coming...Sissifrus, get your gorgeous arse out here at once!" the King called.

Out from the corridor, a boy came running with a tray of boar jerky and goblet of elderberry wine.

"Yess my Kiiiing?" said Sissifrus, his lisp strongly pronounced in the hollow hall.

Sissifrus the Bitch Boy

"You will ride at once...no not me...your horse your fool. You will ride at once and meet with my nemesis Ser Fartington Googenshat of Cuntsbrad. You will meet with him on the road and befriend him. Then you will poison him with your charms and this vial of Weeping Wiles extract. Do you understand?" The King glared in to Sissifrus's eyes intently.

"But my body isn't ready...I mean, look at my nails! They're all the same color! Ugh!" Sissifrus complained.

"DO. YOU. UNDER. STAND?" the King yelled.

Sissifrus squawked loudly, clearly startled by the King's abruptness. "Yesss King Albertusss. I will do this tassssk for you." The boy made his way to his bedchamber to prepare for the journey on which he was about to embark.

As Sissifrus mounted his steed and took off down the winding road that was locally called the Brown Streak, another of Ser Fartington's enemies was planning her own ending to the knight's life.

Uteraas Enorma

"He must still love me...he must. He gave me 24 children for the love of Gormyr...surely I can convince him to give me a 25th." the woman

spoke as she paced in small circles around the dirt floor of her cabin. She laid out her finest green woolen dress with brown, flowered

embroidery. "Yes, this will do." she said as she tossed a few scraps of material on top of the dress. Her breasts certainly aren't what

they used to be after having served as the buffet for 24 children.

She was the first to meet up with Ser Googenshat and Shitworth.

"Come back to my cabin and let's relive our glory days." she stated, her fingers exploring the gaps in the knight's armor.

"Well, I don't see a problem with that, do you Shitworth?" the knight said, turning to face his squire.

Shitworth's eyes were fixed on the knight's crotch, as the woman worked his manhood as if no one else was around. "Uh...perhaps uh...you

ought to introduce me to this strange woman first..." Shitworth said, the hesitation in his voice very evident.

"Why this is my puppy mill here. I've deposited more seed in this woman's belly than I'd care to admit. And I never married her so she

couldn't take half my shit!" said the knight, laughing and farting in rhythm, truly living up to his name.

"Aye that's right. The name's Uteraas Enorma. An' I'm hoping that there's still some juice left in this melon, if you know what I mean."

she said with a wink.

"I...I don't know Ser. Usually when a woman be appearin' out of nowheres, it means she wants some'in more than just another mouth to

feed." said Shitworth.

"Good point lad." replied Ser Googenshat, reaching for his broad axe. He swung it at the Uteraas's head, cleanly cleaving from her right

ear through the top of her skull.

"Mother of Turdenstrond, what'd ya do that for?!" exclaimed Shitworth.

"You were right boy. She was after another child. You see, Uteraas made a name for herself as the best breeder in all of Queefedom. The

tales of her whoritry reached as far as Cuntsbrad and well, I knew that she was one beast I'd certainly have to slay. And slay her I

did....then again...and again, until I was surrounded by 24 little shits. That's when I knew I had to leave that old, ragged, used up

wench. So now, I'm rid of her forever."

"If only all our problems were so easy to solve..." pondered Shitworth. "Well then, shall we continue to the Castle of the Breaker of

Wind?"

The knight removed Uteraas's hand from his breeches. "I should have let 'er finish...ah yes, onward to the castle!"

By this time, Sissifrus's ass was more sore than a day of his usual work serving King Albertus. He was used to his ass being used for

things other than padding between a saddle and his bones, you see. But he truddled on until the knight and his squire came in to view.

Sissifrus produced a small glass bottle from his pouch and spritzed his neck and thighs with its contents. "This will surely seduce that

old, fat Fartington. No one can resist Temptira Oil." he said as a grin creeped across his face.

Ser Googenshat and his squire, now mounted on the old ass that was giving him trouble a few days prior, approached Sissfrus, their noses

dancing up and down catching a whiff of something sweet and tangy.

A high pitched squeal of a fart escaped Ser Fartington's ass, signaling he was ready to claim a mate. The sound and odor startled

Sissifrus, causing him to draw his dagger preemptively.

The smell of the fart reached Shitworth's nose and brought him to his senses. He immediately reacted to the sight of the dagger,

retrieving his bow from the right side of the stag and an arrow from the left, nocking it, and letting it fire in to the groin of

Sissifrus.

"Shite, a bit low. Well, men think with that instead of their hearts so I guess a shot in the cock is as good as a shot in the heart..."

he philosophized in an instant, completely ignoring the squawks of pain coming from the mouth of Sissifrus.

Blood ran red, staining the blue velvet underclothes of Sissifrus and beginning to pool on the ground. Sissifrus was gasping for breath as

life began to leave his body.

The old knight had hopped down off his horse and began to unstrap his armor when he regained his senses. "Fuck me...Temptira Oil...and I

almost fell for it. I bet the Breaker of Wind sent this little boywoman to assassinate me. Thank you Shitworth. You'll be a knight sooner

than you know." He strapped his armor back to his under fittings and climbed back up on his steed.

After a hearty meal consisting of only beans and cheese, the pair left for the castle.

"This is it Shitworth. We will sneak in under the cover of night." He traced a crude map in to the dirt. "The Maestress will be here. You

will go in to her room and slay her how you see fit. Do this task for me and my sword will touch your shoulders on the morrow."

"Aye my lord. I will do as you ask or I will die in your name." Shitworth said excitedly.

"I will go to the King's Chamber and finish this....my way." said the knight, fingering his beard under his visor.

Upon nightfall, the pair crossed the moat on a makeshift raft put together from reeds and mead barrels. They made their way past the first

set of guards who were talking intently about their rendezvous with Uteraas in the coming weeks.

As they entered the castle, the knight signaled for Shitworth to break away, and break away he did.

Slithering along the cold stone walls, Shitworth counted his steps until he came to an open door where the Maestress was sleeping. He

crept up to her bedside and stared down at her heaving chest, realizing that he was about to remove her from this world.

"I do this, for Ser Fartington Googenshat of Cuntsbrad." he whispered as he slid his blade from its sheath with a soft scuffing sound.

His dagger found its mark, slipping between the wench's ribs, and piercing her heart. With a gasp and spittle of blood, the Maestress

voided her bowels quietly and Shitworth made his way back to the raft.

Ser Fartington had made his way to the King's Chamber by this time and had his broad sword unsheathed.

As the knight raised the sword above the king's neck, his stomach writhed in his belly, making a loud gurgling noise. "Fuck...the

beans...the cheese..."

The King arose, grabbing his axe from his belt hanging on the wall near his bedside. He brought behind his neck, parrying the old knight's

deathstroke.

"So you still fight with no honor, Fartington....come to kill me in the dead of night..." said the King.

"You took my title. You took my throne. I will have your life." And with that, Ser Fartington pulled his belt, releasing the faulds of his

armor, allowing them to fall to the ground. The king twisted up and out of his bed, readying his axe for the next strike. The old knight's

stomach bulged out from under his breastplate, obviously bloated from the meal the night before.

"Ha, look at you you fat fool. How do you expect to win against me?" said the King, bounding over the bed and swinging the axe down at the

king's right shoulder.

Ser Fartington brought his sword up to parry with a loud clang that left his arm shaking briefly. His other hand was busy undoing the

buttons on the back of his underbreeches, the flap falling down exposing his bare buttocks. He swung his sword wildly at the King's neck,

allowing his body to spin a half turn so that his backside was in the King's face.

"I CLAIM MY TITLE AND MY CROWN!" yelled Ser Fartington as he released a fart that would put the Horn of Gabriel to shame.

The King's flesh began to peel off of his bones like a thin layer of ice being wiped off of a window. The old knight screamed out, part

pain, part pleasure knowing that he had bested his opponent.

He knelt down, using the King's doublet to wipe the blood dribbling from his buttocks, and picked up the bent crown.

Shitworth came running in and slid across the floor. As he neared the old knight, he realized it was his master and he fell to his knees.

Ser Fartington brought the broad edge of his sword down on the squire's shoulders




THE END

A few typos, but you get the idea. Did anyone else read it?