I hate you, douglas.
sees emotion on the tv and it amps its self into how much you miss the person who made you the happyist. you have to accept the fact that she will never love you again. You need to accept the fact that shes happy with someone else, and that she wasnt happy with you. she wasnt happy enough. You didn't give her what she needed which was alot of things you can think of right now. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of remembering and feeling this way. I'm sick of myself. I hate myself. I wish I never treated her the way I did, as she was the greatest thing that has happened to you this far.
when shes gone away you feel like killing yourself. you just want it to go away, the pain and the memorys. she made your life better and she gave me a second chance. you wasted it. You fucked up. your done with this person you remember. You have to stop thinking about her when you do things around the house, or work. you need to be healthy for yourself now. if you don't you'll end up ruining yourself. do you really think you can be happy this way? with how much youve smoked or thought about another person like you once did her. yeah its true I've been able to sleep with two people, and yet it doesnt make you feel any better. I have no idea how many or who its been while she hasnt been mine. does that really matter? it shouldnt, considering you didnt think of her feelings while you were with them.. you just simply thought of her while you did them. you really are discusting, and thats why you have what you have now. you have nothing but sorrow and self loathing pity. You've had alot to cry about the last few days.. you shouldnt be thinking of her and how happy she is, it only makes you worse. maybe you should just end yourself you moron. you cant win this battle now. its been since july, and even then she wasnt yours like you had thought and she wasnt able to be brought back to your side after oregon. you missed it douglas, you missed it bigtime. you couldn't have fucked it up more than what it is now. you've done alot to hurt yourself this way. do you really think typing this is going to help you out? I sure hope it does because when you look at the mirror and just scream at your own image about how much you HATE yourself. you will get over it and meet somebody else, but then again you have imperfections that others wouldn't deal with like someone who understood you like she did. your a scumbag. your fucked up. your done with anyone else. stop thinking of other people. stop thinking your heart will be renewed. you have nothing to offer someone. you speak lies and deceit. you've thought that it could get better, but it wont. not for you. you've done goofed douglas. your head hurts. youve had pills to try and make it go, but it just pounds. MAKE IT STOP. youve managed to stop crying.. congratulations, do you feel like more of a man now? do you feel like you can change this? no, you can't chane anything.. you couldnt even change yourself when she was upset she said she couldnt talk to you because you would get mad and overreact like you do. as much as she made you happy she made you sad, she made you feel feelings that you've never felt before.
today, I stayed home. today was my last day off this week. it was worth the rest, but not the mental anguish. you need to concentrate on work now. you need to work for yourself and get through this. you'll have a car, and a home by your own. you like that. nobody tells you what to do, and you do what you want when you want. be by yourself and enjoy this time you have starting at walmart. you can get it done out there. you can last for a few years doug, you can save the money you need to. you wont give anyone money. no more giving to people. listen to yourself, your extremely pitiful. your self loathing is discusting.
youve picked a whole bouquet of oopsy daisys.
I was wrong to ever think I was good enough for you, I wish I could go back and change who I was, you deserve more than I could give. I ... I cry, and I can't change who I was. I can't change the things we've gone through and you know it won't change who I've turned into as a person. I'm a discusting revolting fuck.
Then light. Breathing takes place, a calmness setting. You know you have an issue, but how do you change that? You wait. You hurry up, and wait. You rush your thoughts, and wait. I thought about something.. Memories, family.. Not really those thoughts that brought me back, but a friends grandma who I think has the hots for me said "What a great surprise.....Hang tough Baby....take it from an old Broad ..the world changes a little every day and what you are dealing with now could soon not even be on your radar......being in a hole is not the choice you want......think of how many of us would suffer a broken heart if that was your final choice over us and over life. I am so proud of you that you have the wisdom to know that counselling and maybe meds could help.....I know first hand Depression runs in my family and I AM ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS and it really helps !!!! We love and miss you to dear one so keep it going and we will hope to see you one day soon and kiddo you are already something but you have every option in the world as far as careers go.....you are young, smart, good looking....the choices are all yours !! Love ya.....Miss Jeani." What does one do when you hear about someone caring about you.. to me it kinda changes the way I think for that split second I think that there could be a better moment in my life that overtakes all of the bullshit that has happened in it.. maybe I live for those moments that hurt me, knowing that those moments dont need to dictate my life, as my life is what I want to make it. I want to make it the best I could, and in that laugh as much as possible, tell people that I care about them, mean it in every sense of those pitiful words.
So now where do I take this? I try to forget the bad past. remember the good in it instead. Hard enough to do right? right. Ready to work, yet work is difficult. Who said it was going to be easy? I don't know.. The challenge makes it nice.. I suppose you could call it that.
inb4badgrammar,spelling,care,ect..