well we're back here again pat
we're in the hole
deep one this time
real deep and thick
china isn't on the other side either
it's just shit and then more shit

inexplicitly, we went over this 3.5 years ago
i have no recollection of writing those words, but they were much the same as i'm feeling now
that version of pat was in a bad place, i just wish i could remember it more
but he got himself out of it
2020 pat laid out 5 goals
and we did it man
we got the apartment
we got the new job
we found love again
these are facts

but now we're back
my heart is broken again
it's been nearly 2 months now and i'm still struggling pretty hard with it
she's on my mind constantly and she won't leave
when she enters i tell her to fuck off
i still don't think i've fully accepted that it's over
but i think i have to come to terms with it

last time, you laid out 5 goals to get out of it and you did
you got out of it you piece of SHIT
YOU CAN AGAIN
i just need to know what i need to do
lets brainstorm you fucking jerk

1) this weight needs to go
my self esteem has cratered
i let this get out of hand again
fortunately it's still somewhat reasonable
i'm 190
that's not that far off from where I need to be
8 solid weeks and i'm right back at 170
that's it
2 months
and then we can tack on another month to get back to 160 which is perfect for me
remember how confident i was at 160
i was walking around with my shoulders in the air
head in the clouds
smile ready to be smillen
that isn't available at 190
what's available at 190 are BITCH TITS AND ASS CRACK
i think that's the most important thing here
the good news is I was around 200 when this went down so I've already made some headway
but this is the most important

2) i need to figure out my future
you know what this means in the interim
apply to every god damn social work school in the country
i hate my job
i hate it
it's soul sucking
it's peanuts
it's NOTHING
I need something more fulfilling
and regardless of how often i search, no job i am currently qualified for will satiate that need
but you know social work will
and you know the deadlines are all within the next 2 months
so it's going to be hard
but we need to apply
we need to apply to dal
we need to apply to windsor
we need to apply to god damn french only speaking quebec schools
ALL OF IT
in the time since i last posted I could have completed a BSW degree
can you imagine
i could be doing that already
but the first step is applying

3)
i need to figure out my social needs and how to fill them
i have friends
but i still get anxious around them
i don't know when to contact them or what i should be doing
when do i hang out with them? how often?
it all just makes me anxious
i want to be comfortable seeing and hanging out with people
i want it to be natural like it seemingly is for everybody else
i want to not feel so crippling lonely all the time
i don't have the answer to this but i know it's a problem
i'll have to maybe find solutions to this in therapy

4)
find a few more hobbies
you're off to a great start with this one at least
we love pickleball
oh fuck we love it
it's fun and great exercise
year round
remember - you were scared and anxious as fuck to start but now you never miss it
you have to keep putting yourself out there
i've been enjoying playing the ps5 too
but i just need a few more
a few more social stimulants
snowboarding? snowshoeing? hockey game?
we can't be complacent

most importantly
she's on my mind constantly
and i need her out of it
i guess that will just have to take time and patience
but i wish i could make it go away
i wish i could fast forward through this
but i can't
you've only been through this one other time before
and you made it out
you got out of the hole once pat
that means you can do it again
but it's going to be hard work

My man!

I’m glad to see you’re still alive.

You know my thoughts on love and relationships.

Get in shape and sleep around as much as possible. If that bitch doesn’t want you in her life then fuck her right off.

Always a message away if you need.

Love ya ❤️

This post was edited by bjones9 on Jan 2 2024 07:49pm

thank you brother
love you too

This post was edited by Reginaaccchecker13 on Jan 3 2024 02:12pm

alright you son of a bitch
let's review some positives

today i completed my application to the university of calgary
the UNIVERSITY of CALGARY
there aren't that many BSW program in canada
there is even less BSW programs offered online
there is even LESS BSW programs offered online that my dumbass is actually qualified to apply to
yet somehow
the university of calgary checked all these boxes
which is odd because it's unironically a great school and maybe top 10 in the Country
so this is all very good news
i've decided this is going to be my entire personality for the next 5 months while i await to hear a decision
it has been a while since i was this excited about any aspect of my life, so that is a very nice sign
in the meantime, there are still others i have to apply to over the next month
that's a pat on the back for pat from pat

what else do we got
we're going strong with pickleball
people actually mostly know my name now
even somebody saying my name fills me with surprise
like holy shit i actually exist and i have proof because somebody just acknowledged me
now that being said
i did get called a matt
and i also got called a patrick twice
which is bad because if one bad egg gives me a patrick, then others will hear and say patrick too instead of pat
SO THEY GOTTA KNOCK THAT OFF
but it's a legitimately good thing
i actually talked to some people there today too
so if we keep that up
maybe we convince one of them to be my friend

and then i went to the gym
and now i'm just on the couch with me and my bitch tits out
eating some grapes
watching some office
this sweet beautiful asian woman is always at the gym the same time i am
she's so incredibly attractive i don't even know what she looks like
all i ever get out of my periphery is a vague outline
but i don't need to look
i know what's there
and it's an angel
and well tonight
i was walking on the treadmill
and she came up and started walking on the one next to me
when there was a free treadmill open where she'd have privacy on both sides
like in a urinal and you always leave a middle one open between you and the guy
but she went to the one right next to me
so what does this mean
well it means that for 16 minutes
i imagined her giving me a hug
and that we're both in the thick of it together
and that we understand each other
and it was just nice
the question now becomes when do i propose
if she does this again
i'll pop out the ring

Congrats on getting into uni!

Calm down on the Asian. Don’t dive into anything fast again! Even if it is just treadmill walking

Smash only.

i think i gotta lose weight before anybody would smash me anyway buddy
the only thing i've been smashing is the god damn pizzas
but we've had a solid 2 weeks

i will say i am feeling a bit better these days
it's been over 2 months now since we had contact
i've been filling my days with busy good shit
pickleball 5 times a week
gym 5 times a week
drinking a litre a water every day
a LITRE of WATER
that's CRAZY amounts for me
the only downside is i've been peeing 15 times a day
i'll have a piss and before i can leave the bathroom i'm turning around to start another one

i finally get to see steve again tomorrow
thank god for this man
therapist of the stars
my guardian angel
the jekyll to my hyde
the coke to my pepsi
the sour cream to my taco
he always makes me feel better about things
and i know he'll be proud of how i've been conducting myself the last few weeks

i think the main thing we need to focus on is the social stuff
jordan was over last tuesday and it was legitimately a great time
but i was so anxious and nervous i was being boring or he didn't want to be here that i couldn't just relax and be myself
i guess the more i do it and the more i challenge my thoughts this will be easier
same with hanging out with jasmine
by all account she loves my company too
i just have a hard time believing people enjoy spending time with me
but that's a distorted thought pat
no room for that

and i also tried a new thing this weekend
i went snowshoeing
was it fun? i wouldn't go that far
was it horrible? i wouldn't say that
it was certainly just a thing that happened
i got lost and ended up being out there longer than i wanted
and then my pinky toe started hurting
and i tripped and fell into a tree and the branch stabbed my hand
but it's still a thing i tried i guess
maybe i'll go with jasmine this week

keep the positive things going pat
love you

Keep on the grind my friend ❤️