i'm gonna go ahead and write about
the time me and fatass declared war on one another

i'll start off with tubas (pronounced tub-iss(combination of tub+ass if it wasn't evident))
as some of you may recall, i worked with an obese piece of shit named nick. my friend and i coined the nickname tubas.
he was literally the devil. if he were to burp, there'd be no doubt in my mind that he'd spew flames everywhere because i'm sure there's that much god damn waste and acid sitting in the pit of his giant gut
he liked to come to work without wearing deodorant. he also liked coming to work wearing sunglasses and army hats (we worked in a warehouse so neither of these accessories were practical)
he's without a doubt the shittiest person i've ever met in my life, and i've met some shitty people.
what i'm trying to say is, i constantly went all day hoping he'd have a heart attack
he's the most ignorant, fat, annoying, rude, obnoxious motherfucker you'll meet in your life, and he'll also be the last person you meet because i'm sure if he's hungry he'll swallow you god damn whole without blinking twice
we worked for 8 hours of the day and he spent 5 of them in the bathroom
so on a crisp day in november, it was the 27th if i recall.
i'm told by a co-worker i actually like that i was employee of the month
sure enough, i do some fact-finding and it is true. motherfucking employee of the month yo. you ain't got shit if you haven't been employee of the month at wal-mart
enter tubas.
he congratulates me on my accomplishment
thanks i tell him. what an obese piece of shit. i didn't want his congratulations. it was covered in germs and smelled of doritos and pepsi. his congratulations literally ruins every other congratulations i had received that day. the motherfucker.
but i'm a nice guy, so i say thanks and go about my business
but this motherfucker. that's not how he operates. see, he's 250 pounds and in army cadets. he's better than me, and he's better than you. he didn't get employee of the month because he simply didn't want the extra 100$ you get for it.
he feels the need to tell me this tidbid of information.
"i don't believe in awards, i'd rather a pat on the back"
yeah, i'm sure all people who don't get awards say the same thing, you jealous waste of oxygen
'i've gotten more than 20 awards in cadets and i have so many that i simply don't need them anymore. they're for kids who need to feel good about their work'
oh
so what you're saying is
you're jealous as fuck
'pat, i'm not jealous. it's kind of sad you care this much about some meaningless award'
oh
so what you're telling me is
you're more jelly than a pb& j sandwich
he starts to get mad.
"i don't fucking care about your fucking award'
it was as this point that all of our other co-workers returned from break(4 in total)
so
what you're trying to tell me is that
you want some tips on how to be as good of a worker as me
"I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, HOW IMMATURE ARE YOU FUCKING LOSER"
hey man
not everybody can be employees of the month
don't feel bad about it, you tried your best
"i don't fucking care about your stupid fucking shit, and if i wanted to be employee of the month i would have, i just don't have the ego like you do"
oh, ok
whatever you say mr. jealous
steam comes from his ears
it was a mixture of anger, fury, and some sort of chemical reaction to the 10,000 calories he had no doubt consumed in the last 30 minutes
he gets in my face.
we're neck to neck.
his eyes are on mine.
he's breathing all over my face
my skin begins to melt off over the poisonous gas he's emitting
he begins to growl
ain't even an exaggeration
the motherfucker snarls at me like a god damn wildebeast
'IM NOT FUCKING JEALOUS YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER FUCK'
wuts that
didn't hear anything over the sound of your jealously lol
literally
he grabs my shirt and punches me in the gut
ain't gonna lie, it kind of fucking hurt
i take a few steps back to recoil
so
what you're trying to convey to me
is that your extreme and immense jealousy has taken complete control over you and has manifested itself so deeply into your core that you are seeing nothing but red and no longer have control over your actions and emotions
so at this point i need to describe our working enviroment.
we're unloading a truck filled with merchandise.
there's a conveyor belt extending from the truck to the warehouse. there's one man in the truck putting items on the conveyor belt, and the rest of us are taking them off of it and stacking the items on pallets
there's two sides of the conveyer belt
tubass is on one side, i'm on the other.
so
that's when this piece of shit waddles back over to his side
i'm working twice as hard as i normally do, and i know it's making him angrier and angrier to see how much i earned employee of the month, and how it wasn't just handed to me for no reason
i can hear a faint snarling
what's that, mr jealous?
he fucking loses it
'IM NOT FUCKING JEALOUS'
he starts picking up fucking boxes of diapers that are on the belt and starts fucking hurling them at me
one after the other
i'm being bombarded by boxes of diapers
very nice smelling diapers
i begin laughing my god damn ass off
he is literally as red as a tomato at this point
and he's so god damn obese that he lost energy after throwing 4 boxes, and had to stop to take a break to re-cooperate and catch his breath lol!
yo
you okay over there mr. jealous
kinda sounds like you need some water or something
pretty sure at this point he's about to start screaming at the top of his lungs and haul out a machine gun or something
i ain't done with this motherfucker though
i turn to my friend
yo tyler
heard a rumor about nick
heard he's the most jealous man in all of canada
"yeah pat?"
true story man, pretty sure hbo is doing a documentary about him
he throws a few more boxes at me
one hits me in the eye and stings like fuck
he then runs off into the distance
to go to the bathroom
his second home
and that, my friends, was that.

also, just in case i sound like an asshole
he honestly is an extremely obnoxious and rude individal
he is constantly swearing at the other co-workers, telling them to fuck off and what not
he struts around giving orders, thinking he's better than everyone because he's in cadets
and i absolutely would never make fun of somebody just because of their weight, because i myself have struggled with it
but he would go around bragging, i shit you not
bragging about how obese he was, like it was some sort of accomplishment
nobody likes him
and he by all means
deserved this
i ain't a bad person okay

Pat --1
Tubas -- 0

I know that kinda fatty, have dealt with at least two in my lifetime. Exactly the same as this dude sounds.
I think perhaps I will try drinking a jar of salsa the next time i get some chips.

/e however there is one part of this story that does not add up, or make any sense and its right at the beginning when you claim to have a friend, that helped you coin the name tubas.
We all now you don't have any friends... so...

This post was edited by Caulder10 on Jan 29 2013 06:22pm

holy mother of all fuck
pisser is drunk as hell
it's 12:38 pm, yes afternoon, and she is fucking wasted and it's just the two of us here
i made the mistake of going out to the kitchen to get something to eat
without a doubt the biggest mistake i've ever made in my 19 years on earth
she immediately attacks me with words
i'm trying to hide behind the fridge door, trying to grab something quick and make a run for it
but she doesn't let up
i get a sub out of the fridge, take a bite out of it and attempt to get the fuck out of there
nope lol
PATRICK SIT DOWN AND EAT I DONT LIKE YOU STANDING UP
oh
i've done some mean things in my life, but there is no way i ever deserved this
there are 7 beer cans on the table
as soon as i sit down, she tells me to get her another one
i go to the fridge, look, don't see any there
"on the floor", she says
sure enough, on the kitchen floor, there's a case of 24 beers sitting there, in the sunlight, warm as fuck
uhhh ok
the next 30 minutes we covered an array of topics, topics such as politics, literature etc
jk lol! she had a 10 minute speech about her sex life lol!
she has to beat guys away with sticks apparently
she knows a bunch of millionaires who want to marry her
she switches back and forth between random shit
one second she's talking about her kids, literally the next second she's talking about her feet
she has one eye half shut and is swaying her head all over the place
i have a permanent smile on my face, as to pretend i'm listening to what she's saying
but what i'm really doing is staring at the wall, thinking of ways i could kill myself
i wasn't even that hungry
WHY DID I GO OUT
then she starts talking about our other room mate, joe
apparently, he made her take off her shirt in front of house guests a couple of times
???????
wut
i ask her how did he make you take your shirt off
she responds by grabbing her boobs and saying "ITS SO DEGRADING SHOWING MY TITS"
???
i swiftly accept the fact that i'll forever be scarred for life
she switches topic again, talking about my dad
oh, did i mention that every 3 minutes she'd tell me she loves me
but yeah
talking about how much she loves my dad
when the inevitable comes
"IM NOT LIKE THAT" she says
like what, i respond
'IM NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM"
oh
"I TOLD HIM ONE NIGHT HEY, LETS GO INTO THE ROOM AND ILL LICK YOUR DICK"

"GET ME ANOTHER BEER"
i accept the fact that i must have died yesterday and am now in hell
topic change, she is now talking about valentines day
she looks at me, and tells me she's going to get me something
she attempts to wink at me, but where one of her eyes is already 90% closed, it looks like her eyes are having a seizure
i shiver
she then tells me i need a nice girlfriend
umm
she picks up the phone, says she's going to phone 25 year old drug addict named ashley to come over and see me
she's right in love with me apparently, even though i've never even talked to her before or anything lol!
yeah how about we don't call the drug addict tho
my mind starts racing for something to say so she'll get distracted and put down the phone
"so what are you doing for valentines day"
she puts down the phone.
'IVE GOT A NEW PLAYBOY COMFORTER IN MY ROOM AND I'M GOING TO GET FUCKED UP"
ah
the phone then rings
she tells it to fuck off
it rings again, i run for my god damn life
and now
i'm finally safe
holy fuck



lol, i was going to mention this
i've talked about it before i think, but yeah i did actually have a person at walmart who i considered a 'friend'

This post was edited by Reginaaccchecker13 on Feb 11 2013 02:05pm

5 hours later update
she's still drinking lol!
i didn't think she could get worse, but clearly she's out to prove me wrong lol!
she has reached the stage where she is literally just not understandable anymore
oh, she also called 25 year old drug addict earlier too
so right now
her, 25 year old, dad and roomate are all having this giant yelling match
all because pisser has run out of beer and my dad won't give her any more
lol!
lol!!!
lol!!!!!!

dad just came in, locked my door and whispered to me 'dont come out'
i'm sure this is good lol!

need updates pls

holy FUCK
allow me to give you a 45 day update
things fucking suck lol!
let me start at the beginning of this HORSE SHIT

FEBRUARY 12, 2013
things are going well. i'm working like a motherfucker. i'm making that mad cash. i'm like a god damn drug king. my bank is overflowing. im bathing in 10$ bills. i get a maid to come to my room every day at 7 am and give her 100$ just to tell me how god damn attractive I am.
My heart is beginning to heal over the loss of a girl mentioned in a few posts I've made. fuck punctuation. tl;dr: i had been talking to this girl for a nice while, developed mad emotions, then she said nah and stopped talking to me
hurt like fuck
so i was finally starting to forget her and started talking to this new girl
she was pretty fucking rad
i'd get home from work after 15 hours, be tired as fuck, but still stay up all night talking to her
it was definitely one of the best parts of 2013. things couldn't be better.
but they did. she had amazing boobs too
i have everything in the world going for me
i literally haven't felt this good in a long, long time. i had forgotten this feeling
things can only get better from here on

FEBRUARY 27, 2013
nah lol! got laid off from my job lol! I worked a total of 1.5 shifts, had received 3 pay cheques and they laid me off. i hadn't made nearly enough money as i needed for back home. just when i got the hang of the work and used to the 12 hour shifts, they take it all away from me. it was pretty sad. no big deal though, i had experience now. things were still going great with this girl, and i did have a nice bit of money saved up. no big deal, i'll just start looking for a new job. it'll be fine

MARCH 24, 2013
i turned 20. weird, im still as emo at 20 as i was at 19 haha!

MARCH 29, 2013
haven't been this depressed in a long, long time lol!
i've been out of work for over a month
still can't find a job lol!
i've spent the entire last 30 days lying in my bed eating junk food
i've gained at least 8 pounds and i'm out 1500$ since i lost my job lol!
if i were to buy a plane ticket right now, pretty much most of what i've made up here would be gone
what else is there
oh yeah lol!
pretty sure things are coming to an end with that girl
she's been ignoring me most of the day and doesn't seem like she wants to talk to me anymore lol!
anybody who shows interest in me always gets bored of me and stops talking to me
i fully expect to be completely alone by next week
where i'll continue lying in bed gaining weight and losing money
lol!
lol!!
lol!!!

This post was edited by Reginaaccchecker13 on Mar 29 2013 11:14pm

sounds hot

500+ views

i think its safe to say you made it as a blogger