today was weird. caitlin and i have remained really good friends, shes basically my best friend at this point. no not basically, she IS my best friend. i thought that i just wanted to be friends, but between yesterday and today, ive fallen back in love with her. really hard. i think that we have gradually fallen for each other again if that makes sense. yesterday i had kind of a rough day, and she cheered me right up. she just knows what to say, and she said that she wouldnt know what to do without me. that made me just feel a bunch of emotions. and then today i told her i was going to her soccer game today and her eyes lit up like they did when i would tell her i loved her, or on christmas when i gave her a really cool gift, i havent seen her eyes light up like that at all since a few days before we broke up.. she was so happy that i came and told me so and she said it was nice that i went and i honestly loved every moment of it. she has always been excited about soccer and shes pretty good too, and just seeing her actually doing her passion and seeing her put in work made me really proud. im in love with her again, but i dont know how everything is going to go. i think im going to ask her to hangout over spring break next week, not in like a relationship way but in a friendship way. i started talking to this other girl, not like seriously but just casually and i feel so fucking guilty about that. im not in love with anyone else, i dont have a crush on anyone else, i just love her. with all of my heart. i just hope that we have a future together if that makes sense, like just her and i. ill always love her. sorry for this long ass rant about this but idk, i just need to say it. i hope everyone had a good day. i needed to get this off my chest, and im just accepting that im in love with her again.

today has been pretty interesting so far i guess. 1st hour went okay i guess, talking with cailtin seemed like better today i guess, and i broke my nose lol. playing a game in gym and i pushed someone and my hands slipped bc he was really sweaty and the momentum pushed his head into my nose and it sucked so much. ive never had a bloody nose but my nose bled for 2 hours and i went to the doctor and got it checked out. hope everyone else's day is going better than mine, but its not too bad, one more day till spring break so im pretty excited to literally do nothing for a week. hope everyone has a great day and great night!

hey everyone, it's been a few days since I've posted, but mostly things have been pretty boring. nothing too interesting going on, but I've been trying to focus on getting better at certain games I like to play like sfv, melee, d2 and csgo. it's been going pretty alright, I can see improvement in sfv and melee already honestly, it's a really nice feeling. really want to get a fight stick for street fighter, but they are super expensive, but I'd say it's worth it. I haven't really been sleeping as much for whatever reason, I think I just haven't been tired and that's really nice, I hate being tired. well I'm gonna end the post right there, I'll probably end up posting more later, but I hope everyone has a great day!

hey everyone. just checkin in around 1 am. I honestly had a really down day. didn't do much, just laid around the house and played video games with friends. I streamed for the first time in a few months and that was fun I guess. my dog has been doing really bad recently, we took her to the vet because we thought she was going to die a few days ago but she has a very enlarged heart and she is on medicine to make her final few weeks less painful.. it sucks a lot but that's life, things happen. she's as old as I am - 17, which is a really long time for a big dog. I'm going to miss her a lot, and I've been spending a lot of time with her.

I can't believe this but I've been sad about caitlin again. I know I need to focus about myself but I just can't stop thinking about her. maybe she'll always be in my heart, that's how it feels so far. I really miss her, but I'm glad she's doing okay. I know I don't have to but I always end up putting a fake smile on around her, she always asks me what's wrong because honestly she can see right through my fake smiles, she always knows when something is bothering me and always asks me about it. I just come up with some random thing every single time though, I like that we are really good friends now, but I still wish we were dating and stuff you know? I dont tell her the real reason because I know what the response will be, "I'm sorry..." would be the response, but I know she has nothing to be sorry about.. it's best for her and that's enough for me to respect it
I also don't want to mess things up or make things weird if I tell her what really bothers me, or whst really is getting to me, which is the fact that I constantly remind myself of what we had and what we were aND how it's over now. it doesn't matter what I'm doing, those thoughts always find a way to fucking sneak in and it just makes me so depressed. it instantly kills my mood, but I still don't blame her because it's nothing to blame her about I guess. maybe I'm being too nice about it, but I can't help it, that's who I am and that's genuinely how I feel. maybe I just love her still.

speaking of how I feel, I don't remember the last time I was genuinely 100% happy. it's been rough, there's always something in the back of my mind, caitlin, grades, school, responsibilities..etc. I know it never goes away but I hope it doesn't get any worse.

I'm gonna cut it short because honestly I'm exhausted and my wrists hurt because of lame ass carpal tunnell. I'll try to update more frequently, but I've been very unmotivated, with tonight being the exception because I really was feeling some serious shit tonight I guess. I'm honestly glad I have some kind of platform to talk about my day, it really helps a lot and gives me somethjng to look forward to and relieves a lot of things from my mind. but anyway, thanks for reading today, I hope you had a great day and that everything continues to go great

today was pretty okay, well I'm saying that because I'm trying to be more positive I suppose. I basically did nothing, I dueled a little in d2 for a bit, then played with some friends in a face it csgo tourny and won, nothing huge but still felt good to win it. talking to caitlin was really pleasant and nice today, as it usually is, but today felt different. it felt like we both were happy all day and both enjoyed each others company all day, even if it was only over texting. I honestly always enjoy talking to her, and I know she does too but sometimes when she's having a bad day or when I'm having a bad day we both kinda just don't respond a lot or just have short responses, but today was a lot of nice conversation and no lulls in the conversations. tomorrow is the last day of spring break, that's honestly really depressing but I'll get back into the groove. even though today was good, I still felt pretty sad, sadder than the last few days, which was kind of frustrating but I just tried to stay positive and just tried to drown out my feelings and hide them from myself. I shouldn't do that probably but sometimes I just need to escape from myself and I did that by fully relaxing today and honestly how things went with talking to caitlin and how the tournament went was really helpful..

I've got a lot more to write about but I think I'll save it for tomorrow's post, just incase nothing interesting happens tomorrow, that way I'll have something to post about. I really enjoy these blog posts, and I really appreciate the people who read it, aswell as the people who PM me, even if I don't always respond in a timely fashion, just know that I'm working on responding or getting in the mood to respond, I just get a little overwhelmed that people actually want to give me advice and help me, I appreciate it so much, you all have no idea how much it truly effects me in a positive way. I'm veery thankful, but I'm going to cut this here as it is 3:27 a.m. and I just got finished playing 6 hours of cs and it's taken a large tole on my ability to stay awake lol, goodnight, I'll post tomorrow for sure and I hope everyone had/has a great night/day