literally
have never wanted to die this badly before
and believe me, there have been times where i wanted to fucking die. just wow. january 22, 2013 is definitely up there alongside may 31, 2011.
my life is nothing but a joke. a sad, sad joke.
i've got to give the universe credit though. i looked at this from all angles, but it really did fuck me in a way i would have never saw coming. well played, you meticulous, sadistic son of a fucking cunt.
i take great joy in the fact that the human race is slowly fucking burning you to the ground, you motherfucker.
see if i ever plant a tree ever again
DICK

i hence forth declare a war on mother nature
this cocksucker has ruined enough god damn lives
details of said war is follows:
- no more recycling any cans
- think green? wrong. think red bitch. the colour of your blood i'm going to spill.
- fluorescent lights? think you mean aerosol spray cans with a lighters attached to them
- no more electric cars. from this day forward, we use nothing but cars made in 1970 with dual-exhaust mufflers. we leave the car running 24/7 so it's always toasty warm inside.
- soil and fertilizer for the lawn and garden? more like industrial toxic waste
- garbage bags? you mean the back yard?

my friends
lets join forces
and bring this evil tyrant to the fucking ground already

fuck it
i'll make another post since i've got nothing else to do
let me see here
let me discuss my current circumstance
i'll apologize in advance because this post is going to be slightly more emo than usual

-it's 1:27 am
-i've slept 9 hours in the last 2 days
-dad is snoring as loud as a motherfucker
-literally am crying my eyes out right now because of this snoring+other shit
-air mattress is deflated. basically laying on top of a piece of wood lol!
-pretty sure i ain't getting any sleep tonight lol!
-dad has the flu so as he snores like a fucking grizzly bear, i can only imagine the amount of fucking phlegm and bacterium he's spewing out of his fucking hole
-pretty sure i'll sleep next to the window tonight. it's -38 out so one could hope that the 70% of my body that is water freezes while im asleep and expands as i awake, shattering my innards into a million pieces
-probably don't even have to worry about that since i'm sure every ounce of my being is currently covered in fucking PARASITES
FUCK

jesus christ what a terrible fucking day
i can't even write this fucking stupid gay ass post without having to rotate my body because it hurts so fucking much on this 'bed'
i'm done man
i'm DONE
i don't want to be here anymore
i don't want this job
i don't want LIFE

i'm willing to spend 3100$ to hire a scientist to just find me an uncharted island in the pacific, where i can fucking live the rest of my life without having to worry about any of this shit

This post was edited by Reginaaccchecker13 on Jan 23 2013 02:58am

lol!
it's 6:23 am!
i've been laying here for 5 hours trying to sleep lol!
pretty sure i'm literally about go insane lol!

my heart feels like its been punctured
it feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces
then put back together again in the wrong order
then my room mate sweeps it up, throwing it in the garbage alongside her used tampons
then my dad angrily takes out the garbage, throwing it hard inside the dumpster
the bag rips open, my heart goes flying
crows start hovering around the dumpster and eventually one picks it up
it begins migrating south with nothing but its wits and my heart
it gets shot in a field over Maine by a hunter named Rick
my heart begins to free fall, picking up speed and momentum
it crashes to the earth like a god damn space meteor and the pain is absolutely paralyzing
a fox named Sam notices my heart bleeding out in the field and picks it up
Sam brings the heart to a barn where he attempts to repair the damage
he is not successful in his attempts, and the hunger gets the best of him
he resorts to eating my heart instead
it passes through its digestive track and ends up in its large intestine
it lands in a pool of stomach acid where it is rapidly burned and corroded
two kidney stones then appear out of nowhere. the stones begin circling the puddle of acid, contemplating
then, as if someone hit them with a ping pong paddle, they swiftly race towards my heart
they rip through my heart on one end and come out the other
wound after wound, they don't let up
within 10 minutes, my heart is covered in holes and quickly deteriorating. the acid begins to melt it
just as my heart is about to be put out of its misery, the fox makes a sudden bowel movement
my heart comes flying out the other side
it comes out at the rear end with such force and intensity that it rips through the air
it begins to take flight, getting higher and higher
it passes over the pacific ocean, then over mount everest
it eventually breaks through the stratosphere
it enter space and lands on Saturn
the cold is unbearable
the holes created by the kidney stones begin to freeze over.
it pumps slower and slower
its on its death bed, ready for the inevitable
when a fucking space coyote named Jim comes passing by
it picks up my heart, taking it to a nearby shelter in a hole in the ground
my heart and Jim instantly become friends
they spend days talking
a year passes by
they're in space and have no track of time, but it feels like a year. it may have been just a few days
my heart begins to heal with Jims compassion and warmth
the holes begin to close
little does my heart know, a war is coming to saturn
a team of redneck Mississippian space farmers travel to saturn in a space bicycle
they land on the beautiful planet with nothing but the foulest of intentions
they begin killing off all of the space coyotes with pitchforks
it's not long before Jim is the only one left
he straps my heart to his back and makes a run for it.
the adrenaline is intense and like nothing else. my heart begins beating as fast as it ever did before. blood begins squirting out all over Jim
it gets in his eyes and he is temporarily blinded. he crashes into a giant crater
a farmer named Manuel jabs a pitchfork directly into Jim. he picks him up and throws him into the air
Jims last breath is cut short and my heart is quickly separated from his back
my heart watches Jim drift off into space and the pain is unbearable.
my heart is spiralling through the space air, unable to stop
it lands on top of Saturns ring, and it begins spinning and spinning
the friction quickly builds up until my heart is flaming
then it launches from the platform and starts blazing through the galaxy
it rips through the air at the speed of light
it passes through asteroids and breaks them apart like nothing
it finally comes into view of earth again
my heart begins its descent back into the atmosphere
its still on fire and still picking up speed
it crashes through the air. it comes directly into contact with an airplane, passing right through the middle of it
the plane snaps in half and 300 passengers fall to their death
my heart feels no remorse. no guilt. nothing
it continues to fall until land is finally in site
it smashes into the ground, creating an explosion of dust and sand
the first thing it feels is the heat radiating off the sun
it's in the african desert
3 days pass by, my heart waits in the pit of sand. waiting to pump out the last of its blood. waiting for the pain and sorrow to be over. waiting to be reunited with Jim
a sudden wave of hope and inspiration is washed over my heart. it only has another day left and everything will be over
that's when an elephant comes crashing through the sand
it picks up a load of sand with its trunk and throws it all over its body to cool off
it gets an unexpected surprise as my heart smashes into its vast body and blood spatters everywhere
the elephant herd come into a giant panic
they're screaming and they're shoving up against each other
tensions are high
my heart is still stuck to the side of an elephant named Florence
a rival elephant notices my heart and quickly becomes enraged at the sight of it
it smashes its tusks directly in to my heart
the pain is inconceivable
it pulls my heart off of Florence and tosses me into the wind
Florence defends my hearts honour by fighting back
it's not long before there's chaos
it's war
Florence emerges victorious, standing tall and proud amongst the dozens of elephant corpses
it celebrates by launching me into the air with its trunk
i travel a distance of 240 metres until i crash into a cactus
small needles pierce through my heart. as if there's anything left of it
its nothing but holes
there's nothing left to pierce
a female crab walks by, offering her assistance to get my heart off of the cactus
but my heart refuses
it stays nailed to the cactus
days pass and it slowly bleeds out
my heart thinks about its life. how trivial and pointless all of it was. how it should have just avoided any potential happiness as it only leads to misery
it begins weeping blood

two years later, an explorer named Marcus is travelling through the desert in search of long lost ruins
he makes a pit stop in a nearby oasis to collect water and to catch his breath
he sees a mixture of red and green in the peripherals of his eyes
intrigued, he walks toward the odd combination of colours
what he sees makes him gasp
it's my heart
still beating
still alone
still squirting out blood everywhere
never-ending.

sigh

now this is a story all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down
i'm gonna sit here and tell you all about my luck
and how i became the prince of a town called fuck

west canadia, born and raised
the internets is where i spent most of my days
trolling out, spittin out, flaming the kids
patrolling the webs and controlling the grids
when a couple of shits came up to my forum
spouting curse words and lacking decorum
i got into one little flame war with a douche named chuck
the moderators got pissed and they packed my bags for fuck

i whistled for a cab and when it came near
it was a black guy who had no english to spare
i considered giving him a tip, maybe an extra buck
but i thought nah, forget it, yo homes to fuck!

i pulled up to my manor about half passed nine
and i yelled to my brah"yo homes go back to africa!"
looked at my kingdom and i felt like a shmuck
the house was home to d2jsp.org, also known as fuck

welp
spending some quality time with pisser and dad
and by quality time, i mean her talking non-stop and me listening non-stop
i tell her i'm going to get a snack before bed
she grabs the phone and orders 30$ worth of chinese food for me that takes an hour to get here
oh
by the time my rice and chicken balls arrive, she's pretty drunk
her and my father are getting ready to go to the casino, but are getting a bit drunk before leaving
so she's telling me this story about the last time she was at the casino, and how she got banned for 99 years
apparently, she got into a fight with this woman, and ended up flipping over a table and spilling a ton of drinks and what not
so she's trying to tell this story
and she's having difficulties getting passed the name calling phase
so she starts off with
'so this fucking cunt'
and my dad is very aware of what pisser is like, so he just gives her this stare. he knows what's coming. she starts laughing, and attempts to begin her story again
"SO THE FUCKING CUNT'
she starts laughing again, then tries for a third time
'SO I LOOK HER IN THE EYE THIS FUCKING CUNT HEY"
my dad lets out a very loud sigh.
pisser gets in a tizzy and the 'FUCK YOU's start coming out directed towards my dad
and then attempt #4 comes
'FUCKING CUNT'
at this point, my dad is holding his head in his hands
she never really got around to finishing the story

next up for the conversation
the great beer wall of '11:
so i live with pisser, another guy named Joe, and my dad
they're all avid drinkers, to say the least
they save their cans as well to bring them to the recycling plant
so right now, the entire porch is filled to the ceiling
behold:

this extends to the length of the entire porch
how they even pile them up that high, i simply don't know. nor do i want to know.
but back in 2011
they had the entire porch filled
AND the entire living room filled
my dad had to keep repositioning the couch just so they could fit another layer of cans in there
so we're looking at pictures of these
and when we're done, we start looking at pictures of pisser.
i've mentioned this a few times before, but pisser has this 25 year old drug addict friend named ashley, who visits our apartment quite frequently
as it so happens, ashley has a large set of breasts
not that i made it my business to know or anything, but pisser is showing me these pictures, and she has a ton with ashley
and in every picture, her boobs are just hanging out
and every single time we'd look at a new picture, pisser would point at her boobs, say 'look!' and then start laughing vehemently
not really sure what reaction she expected me to have
the entire time though my dad was just shaking his head back and forth in disapproval and begins face palming


hmm
what else is there
i'll try to lay off of the emo posts
certainly no promises
but i should be good for now
things are sort of looking up
all because of Ireland
who would have thought such a gross country would have such an impact on my feelings and well-being
i start my first day of work in 6 hours though
i'll be there for 12 hours a day lol!
for 14 days straight lol!
may or may not die of exhaustion
if you don't hear from me ever again, you know why

until next time,
xoxoxoxoxo

5:32 am
awake n shit
up in this bitch
ready to slay the day
life and death situation
still dark out
still drug dealers roaming the streets
i'm 19, young and handsome, wearing a very noticeable reflective coat
easy target
dad's passed out on the couch
ain't going to be there to hold my hand
the only holding my hand is going to do is holding someones face. and then punching it.
might not make it
fully expect not to
-14 out
baby weather
in my shorts
may or may not put on long johns
tough decision
lunch is packed
rice and chicken balls are secured
legs are shaking
heart is racing
anxiety is pumping
drinking a pepsi
eating some egg foo young
jk i ain't that culturally respective
this chicken fried rice though
it has peas and carrots in it
sup with that
i don't like vegetables being sprung up me without notice
gotta put on these boots
got 14 minutes left
shit
let's get this over and done with

good luck on first day!

holy fuck
ok
so my dads friend Pete drove me to my first day of work
Pete is cool and doesn't give a fuck
so i'm at the bus stop at 5:50 am waiting for him
i'm in a bus shelter on a street corner and i consider if i were female, i'd be looking like a prostitute
so pete rolls up in his truck
i say to myself 'pat, let's try to make this as least awkward as possible'
sounds good.
i open the door and hop in the back seat, thinking nothing of it
close the door, put on my seatbelt.
'oh, you're sitting in the back'
'yeah it's fine'
he starts driving, then
'i'm a little uncomfortable with that but ok'
??????????????????
?????????
??
what the FUCK does this even mean???
if there was ever a preface to a shitty day, this was it. this was my warning. 3 minutes in and i was already feeling like a piece of shit.
thank god there's music playing, otherwise i'd feel awkward as fuck
so we're driving a good 20 minutes
we are young by FUN comes on the radio, i become a little happy
alright, let's do this
i'm pumped
this song reminds me of my happy times at wal-mart
fuck everything
i'm unstoppable
and that's when it happened.
something that was simply inevitable
something that i should have known was coming, the universe was making its usual preparation to fuck me over royally
something that god himself conjured up, giving me a wink and a swift 'fuck you pat'
pete puts his hand on the volume.
pete wot r u doing
pete
stahp
mute.
silence fills the truck
despair fills my entire being
i knew this feeling all too well, and i knew it was the end
small-talk was about to be engaged.
i consider opening the door and jumping out
my plan is cut short when the first question is hurled at me like a tornado

15 minutes later, pete has learned his lesson
he'll never turn off the god damn radio ever again
those insatiably awkward 15 minutes of silence seemed to span a millennium.

he drops me off
it's 6:30
i go into the lunch room
there's 60+ people there
???
i go sit by some guys who look like they're important people
the name's pender
patrick pender.
the guy then says something i don't hear. something that i'm sure is extremely valuable information
i then smile at him and sit down
i panic for 2-3 minutes
then i realize it is now officially too late to ask him what he said without sounding crazy
and i still don't know what the fuck or where the fuck or WHO the fuck
i consider jumping in the back of a dump truck and covering myself in snow and live the rest of my life there
thankfully, an old woman appears, and knows i'm new just by looking at me
she takes me under her wing
i become her apprentice
we bond
i consider what our lives would be like if we were married
then she says 'does your mom know you're out"?
okay eileen
kind of rude and mean as fuck
then two extremely attractive women appear
it's as if somebody rang a bell
i'll get back to this shortly.
so 7:00 finally comes
it's already been the worse day of my life and it hasn't even started yet
the boss starts off the meeting with a bunch of generic safety shit and attempts to bring laughter onto the crowd
his attempts are unsuccessful
then he acknowledges that they have new members starting
there was me and two other new guys there.
he introduces the both of them
then ignores me
i sit there vaguely trying to announce to the people around me that i have some sort of hearing issues, and that i simply didn't hear the boss not acknowledge me
doesn't work
i consider crawling under the table to make an escape attempt
all i can say is, thank fuck for eileen.
she tells the boss that he forgot about me
'oh' he says
'pat-reek'
sure
i can accept this
my name is patreek
nice to meet you all
it's at this point that the boss starts saying the other co-workers are going to have to show the new guys 'the ropes'
read: very attractive women
read: the absolute worst day in the history of patrick pender that literally cannot get any worse actually does get worse
i start crying inside my mind
i turn to jesus
i pray
i tell god i'll give him my first born. just do not pair me up with one of these attractive women. i apologize profusely to the universe for calling it such bad names. i beg for forgiveness. a single tear drops down my cheek
and wouldn't you know it
i didn't get paired with either of them
i got eileen
i consider jumping on the table and breaking down into tears
i promised god i'd give him my first born, and that's a promise i whole-heartedly intend to keep

okay
7:20
time to work.
i'm ready to do some hardcore motherfucking snow shovelling
first thing's first, we go get a truck.
the site i'm working at is a massive oil refinery you should know. it's massive. there are a ton of roads and god damn giant oil tanks everywhere
so everyone travels around in a company truck
and there's like 10 there
so me, patreek the newfie
eileen the 60 year old saviour of my life
and a grumpy ass bitch named paula set out to find ourselves a truck
we pick one
turns out, there's an ice sheet as big as greenland on the windshield that needs defrosting
turns out, we pick the only truck there that also needs oil.
cool
read: i stand around like an asshole with my hands in my pockets waiting for these guys to oil the truck
there's a point where i'm with paula alone for 10 minutes
literally doesn't say a thing to me
i was shocked
she seemed to honestly not give a fuck about the silence
and no, she wasn't like me
she was just grumpy
and pretty mean to me later
which i'll get into

k
trucks defrosted
it's 8:00
i hop in
put on my helmet and glasses
ready to roll
bring the action
where's the mountain of snow
oh
turns out there's no snow to be shovelled
oh
turns out we're driving around the entire site changing out the garbage bags
okay
we do this for 2 hours
and by we, i mean paula
because i literally just sat inside the truck
because it's not a 2 person job
so i'm just sitting here
trying not to fall asleep
it's been 3 hours and paula still has yet to say a word to me
then she finally turns around and looks me in the eye
'where's your safety strap"
?
my wut
"your safety strap"
either this woman was inviting me to have sex with her and was asking me where i hid condoms or i had no fucking idea what a safety strap was
?
"the strap you attach to your glasses that goes around your helmet"
oh
you mean the strap that my dad broke last night when trying to attach it and then told me nobody uses them and they're useless and irrelevent
THAT safety strap
'my dad broke it and told me i didn't have to worry about " *cute innocent smile because i'm so new and novice*
'WELL YOUR DAD ISN'T HERE"
literally have never wanted to cry so badly in my life
god damn this woman
just looked like the devil
apparently i'll be working with her every single day too lol!

okay
3 hours of driving around later and me doing literally fucking nothing but sitting down
we have to go switch out the cigarette trays
which are these things that are next to the garbage cans, where people just put their cigarette butts when they're finished
umm, okay
we go to the first place. there are two smoke trays.
if there was only one, i would have stayed in the truck and let paula the pragmatist do it herself
but there were two
so me being a gentleman and a nice guy
i hop out right quick like and go to the one opposite of paula
i take the top off
and so help me jesus
i gagged so fucking hard
tears came out of my nose
this is without a doubt the smelliest fucking shit i've ever smelled in my entire god damn existence
and i've smelled some shit in my day
the stench of this shit
could gag a maggot
and no ordinary maggot
a maggot who's terminally ill that has aids and is spending the finale of its life throwing up everywhere and shitting the bed
this particular maggot
would gag
upon smelling this malevolent evil
cool, we get to do this for 2 hours lol!
awesome lol!

2:00 rolls around
i'm bored as fuck
i spend my time staring at the clock waiting for the minutes to move
wal-mart was literally an amusement park compared to this shit
i'm falling asleep
literally not paying attention to anything
i've been with these two people for 7 hours so far today
and i've literally spoke less than 20 words
sucks for them they didn't get the new guy named andrew who is sexy and has the jokes
i feel their pain. truthfully.
3:00 comes
pretty sure i've literally died by this point and that the clock is no longer moving because time simply doesn't exist for me anymore
3:01 comes
literally feel the exact same way as i did when it turned 3:00
this continues on until 5:00
when we finally make preparations to go home

and that my friends
is all about my first day of work
and i get to experience this all over again
in 8 hours and 59 minutes lol!
for another 13 days straight lol!
if anybody wants to get to know me, do it within the next two weeks
because there is literally no way
i'm going to survive this shit. afk sleep + another day of torture

good read, sounds like your day actually went pretty well.