After eating Culver's famous cheese curds, two days in a row - I suddenly realized, I had made a mistake. Here's my story.
~4:00 AM
Queue the lights, I'm going to the bathroom. I sit down, knowing all hell was about to be unleashed. Unfortunately for me, this was only the beginning. An hour in, I'm struggling to get the tip past my chili ring. I'm sweating. I'm spreading my cheeks and pushing for dear life. It just.. won't come out. I'm starting to get worried, wondering if I will ever be able to poop again. I'm exhausted, defeated, uncomfortable and sore. I get up, take a break to recoup and try again later. This time, I'd be prepared.
~6:30 AM
Round 2. Lube, gloves, bottle of warm water for.. you know. Zero progress, more pain. I'm sitting there in agony, scrolling reddit for answers. Enema? Suppository? Digital extraction? After reading dozens of at-home remedies, horror stories and learning a lot about post-partum (I'm a dude? thanks, reddit) poops and vaginal splinting, I decided to order an enema, stool softener, water and coffee just for a little extra kick. I only gave this round a solid 30 minutes before giving up.
~7:00 AM
Now I'm back in my room. Waiting for a delivery. Wondering if it will work, or if I will have to go to the ER because it doesn't.
~7:15 AM
A sudden urge appears out of nowhere!
Round 3. The enema and such hasn't arrived yet, but I felt like I was going to explode. I could not wait. There was a force of nature waiting behind this tremendous turd, waiting to follow-suit. I sit down, and I can feel the birth of girth fighting for release. Pain has gone from a 5 to a 10. I stop myself from screaming and check on the delivery for a distraction. He had just arrived - unfortunately, there was nothing stopping the storm already in action, and I had to let fate unfold. In a matter of 60 seconds, I unleashed a leviathan-tier mass of pure American health. As it splashed down and displaced what may have been half the available water in the toilet, I let out a sigh of relief.
~Now
I am thankful to be alive, able to write this post, and now I have supplies in case this ever happens again. I wouldn't wish this evil upon my worst enemy.
Jod's plan? Maybe. Satan pulling a prank? More likely.