A big stretch limo pulls up outside this tavern. Towering over 6 feet tall this black man gets out of the back, all dressed up. White suit, hat, white boots, and a cane.
He walks into the tavern, straight up to the first bloke he sees and says 'im black, im a millionaire, and i fuck white bitches.'
The bloke shrugs his shoulders and says 'yeah whatever bud'
The black man then walks up to the bar and says to one of the patrons 'im black, im a millionaire, and i fuck white bitches.'
To which the bloke responds 'hey man, ive got no issue with that im just here having a beer'
The black man proceeds along the bar saying this to about 5 or 6 people. 'im black, im a millionaire, and i fuck white bitches.'
He cant get a bite out of any of them, then he spots a weedy little guy in the corner playing darts. so he strolls over and declares 'im black, im a millionaire, and i fuck white bitches.'
Five seconds later he has the little bloke up against the dart board, laying his cane into him, drops him to the ground, puts in a boot or two and storms out.
Everyone comes over to see what happened. picking the poor little bloke up, they ask him what the go was.
He responds 'Well that man come over and said "im black, im a millionaire, and i fuck white bitches", to which i replied that if i had his money i wouldnt fuck niggers either'

so there was this trucky driving all night then he comes accros a hitch hiker so he decides to pick him up, the hitchiker jumps in and trucky asks where ya heading and hitchhiker replies then he says mind if i go to sleep in the back of ya truck im pretty tired had a long day.. trucky says sure then 5 minutes later BANG, the hitchiker wakes up and says mate, what was that? trucky says"just a coon" another 5 minutes pass then theres another bang!, hitchiker wakes up again ad says "mate, what was that?" trucky says"just another coon" then 10 minutes later theres this bang,bang,bang. the hitchiker wakes up and says"mate what was that then?"trucky says"just a coon" so the hitchkier replies "but that was 3 bangs" trucky says "well i had to go thru 2 fences to get him but i got him

a man is walking the beach 1 day and he sees a quadraplegic woman sitting in the sand crying...
" whats the matter ? " he asks..

to which she replies " ive never had a man so much as even buy me a flower before "

so the man buys her a flower.. and goes about his way happy with his good deed.

the next day the very same man is walking the beach again and see the quadraplegic woman again sitting in the sand crying..

" well now whats the matter? " he asks ..

" the flower was beautiful... but i fear i will never feel a mans kisss.. " she said..

so the man bent down... gave her a kiss... and went about his way...

the very next day he went walking along the beach again ... and saw the same quadraplegic woman sitting in the sand crying...

"NOW WTF IS UR PROBLEM ! " the man demands....

to which the woman replies.... " well you see..;. i have never been f*cked... and with no arms and no legs.. i fear i never will.. "

so the man picks her and throws her into the ocean and replies " YOUR F*CKED NOW !! "

Did you know?..."Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

Did you know?...According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.

Did you know?...In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.

Did you know?...Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.

Did you know?...The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.

Did you know?...14% of Americans have skinny-dipped with a member of the opposite sex at least once.

Did you know?...According to a U.S. market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.

Did you know?..."Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.

Did you know?...Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

Did you know?...Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

Did you know?...A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

Did you know?...· In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present research, however, shows no connection.

Did you know?...The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female.

Did you know?...A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.

Did you know?...The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.

Did you know?...The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Did you know?...Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Did you know?...For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.

Did you know?...The word "fuck" is actually an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely underpopulated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to... well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase "Fornicate Under Command of the King" passed into everyday language.

Did you know?...A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew and it is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky...unless of course, you played 'pig-tipping'.

Did you know?...The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.

Did you know?...A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.

Did you know?...A U.S. News and World Report poll found 50 percent agree that it is better to remain a virgin until you marry, and 39 percent felt it's better to have sex with a few different partners before settling down to marry.

Did you know?... During the 1920s, it was believed that jazz music caused one to permanately lose his sexual inhibitions. It was often banned in many cities. One private company went as far as to sell the elites "jazz proof" furniture.

Did you know?...All Humans Are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee.

Did you know?..."Venus observa" is the technical term for the "missionary position."

Did you know?... Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

Did you know?...Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

Did you know?...Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up(if you use a condom). It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

Did you know?...Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

Did you know?...The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

Did you know?... Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

Did you know?...A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This post was edited by easty20 on May 11 2011 04:13am

bloke comes home to his missus and his dog.
says to the wife 'you got 3 choices, go fishing, gimme a blow job, or take it in the arse'
she thinks for a bit then replies 'ok, i guess ill give you a blow job'
she gets down on her knees, unzips him, and start sucking on his cock.
she stops, looks up and say 'ewww.... this tastes like shit'
to which he replies 'yeah, the dog didnt want to go fishing either'

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to then back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bill says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bill deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts, found in aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bill hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Two cowboys from arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.
they stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.
"no," signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
the woman, beginning to turn blue, shakes her head "no" again.
the first cowboy walks over to her, lifts the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.
this shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
the cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
his partner says in admiration, "ya konow, i'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but , i aint never seen nobody do it."