How many men does it take to open a beer ?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman ?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart ?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig ?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV ?"
I said, "Dust !"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Neither God nor Man has rested since.
Why do men die before their wives ?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET: WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
This post was edited by MYGEAR on Nov 15 2012 11:06pm