A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. "Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

"You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood." The catholic preacher responds, "Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead." "I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops."

"Oh, no I couldn't, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. "That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?"

"Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come though."

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."

The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."

Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the warden replied, "Some people can't tell a joke."

"Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
"2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train."

"Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!"
"I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!"
"I see your point."

"Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself togerther man!"

"Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!"
"Wait a minute will ya!

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.

God said let there be light, Chuck Noris said say please.

Superman only has two weeknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris’s nutsack.

When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

im sorry , A+ for effort but chuck norris jokes died like 5 + years ago

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

When Chuck Noris jumps in a pool he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Noris.

Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse a horse is hung like Chuck Noris.

The atom bomb isn’t real.. It’s just Chuck falling out a plane and punching the ground.