"My mom works as a 'special ed' teacher. You know what those are, right? Ok, good. Anyway, she was taking some students to the zoo. She'd try to make it educational, but being special ed students, it was fairly simple. She'd take them to each animal and ask them what they were. The students would get it right most of the time. But there was this gigantic asshole following them." Get angry at this point. "He was following them, and everytime they go the answer right, he would go, 'hooray for the retards!!'. I know, asshole, right? But then it gets worse.... The kids started copying him. So when they got it right, they'd all say, hooray for the retards! So she'd go, 'What's this?' and they'd all go, 'Rhino, hooray for the retards!' and so on. Even when they got to that thing with the long neck..." Wait for someone to say "Giraffe?" and go "HOORAY FOR THE RETARDS!"

There were 2 fish under the water, and a fly above the water
the fish were talking and hes like hey man ima jump up out the water and eat that mofucking fly

so these 2 bears were like hey man u see that fly over there
fish is goin to jump out of water eat fly and ima swat that mofucking fish

so this hunter is like hey u see that fly over there?
fish is going to jump out water eat fly
bear is going to swat the fish and ima shoot that mofucking bear and get me some bear meat

so these mice are like hey u see that fly over there?
fish is going to jump out of water eat teh fly, bear is going to swat that mofucking fish
hunter is going to shoot that bear and cheese will fall out his pocket and we will eat that shit nigga

so these cats are like hey u see that fly over there?
fish is going to jump out of water eat fly and then bear is going to swat that mofucking fish
hunter will shoot the bear, cheese will fall out his pocket and the mice will run for it
at that time we will ambush those damn mice

so it all goes down..
fish jumps out water to eat fly, bear swats fish out of mid-air
hunter pops a cap in that bear's ass
cheese falls out hunter's pocket, the mice run for it
the cats then ambush the mice, miss and fall into the water...


morale of the story: when the fly goes down the pussy gets wet

Good jokes. Favorite is the drunken Jason one of first page

Scooby doo'd

thankyou



scooby did

Marriage Quotes by Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

A gay guy walks into a bar, sees the straight men watching football and starts laughing.

Man: "What are you laughing at faggot?"

Gay Guy: "I cant believe you guys are watching that boring ass game, when I know a sport we can play right here."

Man: "We don't wanna play gay games, faggot, go away"

Gay Guy: "Well my game combines beer and football, and you always get wasted"

Bartender: "What are you talking about faggot?"

Gay Guy: "Well, It's called Beer Football. It only requires two players, and usually only lasts one round because someone gets too drunk to play. To play you need:

1. The biggest pitcher full of beer this place has.

2. A perimeter around the room to run."

Bartender: "That sounds like a cool game faggot, I bet you learned that when you were straight. Well how do you get points?"

Gay Guy: "Well, first you have to chug the pitcher of beer down as fast as you can, then run around the room.
If you make it, TOUCHDOWN! Six points! And if you wanna make a field goal, you have to pull your pants down, bend over and fart!
Ta da! Seven Points! Who thinks they can take me on?"

Bartender: "Haha that sounds like a game I would think of, I can kick your ass faggot. I accept your challenge."

The men start making bets on who is going to win. Making comments on how they should play this game at drinking parties and such.

The Bartender fills up this 2 gallon pitcher and sets it on the counter.

Bartender: " You go first Gay-Man-McGee"

The gay guy goes up does a gay dance and picks up the beer and starts chugging away.
He downs the two gallons in less than thirty seconds! He runs around the bar, doesnt even stumble! Gets to the end and pulls his pants down and lets out a huge fart!

Gay guy: "Seven Points! Seven Points!"

Now the men are worried and the Bartender is nervous.

The Bartender gets up and grabs the two gallon pitcher and starts drinking. He spills most of it and barely gets it down 3 minutes later.
He tries to run around the room and knocks some tables down before he gets to the end, but he makes it! He pulls his pants down and bends over


When the gay guy comes up behind him and says
"BLOCK THAT KICK!"

Superman is flying around when he sees Wonder Woman sun bathing in the nude.

He has some dirty thoughts but doesn't want to get turned down.

Wait a minute, he thought, I am Superman... faster than a speeding bullet, No one will see me!

So Superman flies down and does his thing before Wonder Woman can even blink.

Superman is happy as hell and goes about his flying business.

Wonder Woman sits up and yells WTF Was THAT!!!!

And Invisible Man says, "I dont effing know but my asshole is killing me!!!!!!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."