Some Funnys - Topic

Member

Posts: 19,951

Joined: Nov 18 2009

Gold: 10,760.00

Sep 15 2011 07:13am

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,

I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, very
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Heck no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?"

So I replied,

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work.

easty20

Member

Posts: 19,951

Joined: Nov 18 2009

Gold: 10,760.00

#152

Sep 15 2011 07:20am

It was entertainment night at the Town Center.

Claudia the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claudia withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Oh, Fuck me!" said the Hypnotist.

She was never the same again.

hard8knox

Member

Posts: 1,676

Joined: Dec 20 2010

Gold: 0.00

Warn: 10%

#153

Sep 22 2011 12:55am

A white woman, about 51 years old, was seated next to a black man on an airplane. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. “Madam, what is the matter?” the hostess asked. “You obviously do not see it,” she responded. “You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat.” “Be calm please,” the hostess replied. “Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available.” The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. “Mam, I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class.” Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued, “It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting.” The hostess turned to the black man and said “Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class.” At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

hard8knox

Member

Posts: 1,676

Joined: Dec 20 2010

Gold: 0.00

Warn: 10%

#154

Sep 27 2011 11:20pm

Two women in heaven .... 1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came ...home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

Gohadouken

Member

Posts: 1,906

Joined: Jul 31 2011

Gold: 0.00

#155

Oct 3 2011 04:06pm

bloodyhell

Member

Posts: 15,356

Joined: Jun 21 2007

Gold: 0.00

#156

Oct 3 2011 08:35pm

Quote (easty20 @ May 1 2011 12:26pm)

how to get off a speeding ticket:

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."

Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Woman: "I stole this car and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car, and calls for back-up. Within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please."

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am?"

Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers."

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license."

The woman digs into her book bag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"

old rewritten not funny sigh

easty20

Member

Posts: 19,951

Joined: Nov 18 2009

Gold: 10,760.00

#157

Oct 3 2011 09:01pm

Quote (Gohadouken @ Oct 4 2011 09:06am)

http://i51.tinypic.com/ve20c2.png

i don't even know where to begin with this post...

Quote (bloodyhell @ Oct 4 2011 01:35pm)