d2jsp
Log InRegister
d2jsp Forums > Off-Topic > General Chat > Some Funnys
Prev1131415161724Next
Add Reply New Topic New Poll
Member
Posts: 19,951
Joined: Nov 18 2009
Gold: 10,760.00
Aug 9 2011 04:29am
Quote (Gadlymimk @ Aug 8 2011 11:50pm)
No pics, not funny.


jokers dimension not pictures dimension. now gtfo
Member
Posts: 19,951
Joined: Nov 18 2009
Gold: 10,760.00
Aug 9 2011 04:57am
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine, bitch."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Member
Posts: 4,103
Joined: Jul 21 2010
Gold: 8,323.40
Aug 13 2011 08:58pm
Quote (easty20 @ Aug 9 2011 05:57am)
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine, bitch."
He lost 63 pounds that week.


i lold at this
Banned
Posts: 2,537
Joined: Aug 5 2011
Gold: 0.00
Warn: 50%
Aug 16 2011 05:34pm
Quote (9mm @ Aug 13 2011 06:58pm)
i lold at this


so did i
Member
Posts: 19,951
Joined: Nov 18 2009
Gold: 10,760.00
Sep 1 2011 12:27am
A dyslexic man walked into a bra

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said “is the bar tender here?”

A jumping cable walks into a bar. The bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, he tells the bartender “1 beer please, and one for the road”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day... but i couldn’t find any.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out a small medium at large.

He couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang... but eventually it came back to him.

He wondered why the boomerang kept getting bigger... then it hit him.

He said she was average because he was mean.

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends... but that would be pointless.
Banned
Posts: 35
Joined: Aug 31 2011
Gold: 0.00
Sep 1 2011 03:41am
This is great stuff

One thread of hundred like these make JD worthwhile place to visit.

The rest are just trolls
Member
Posts: 15
Joined: Aug 30 2011
Gold: 0.00
Sep 2 2011 03:03pm
Quote (easty20 @ May 1 2011 08:26am)
how to get off a speeding ticket:


Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."

Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Woman: "I stole this car and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car, and calls for back-up. Within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please."

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am?"

Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers."

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license."

The woman digs into her book bag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"


This one was pretty funny.
Member
Posts: 19,951
Joined: Nov 18 2009
Gold: 10,760.00
Sep 9 2011 02:00am
Quote (9mm @ Aug 14 2011 01:58pm)
i lold at this


:)

Quote (FireCape @ Aug 17 2011 10:34am)
so did i


yee

Quote (AndAnotherCloneHEReUMAD @ Sep 1 2011 08:41pm)
This is great stuff

One thread of hundred like these make JD worthwhile place to visit.

The rest are just trolls


:)

Quote (McNutty @ Sep 3 2011 08:03am)
This one was pretty funny.


:)
Member
Posts: 1,676
Joined: Dec 20 2010
Gold: 0.00
Warn: 10%
Sep 9 2011 02:01am
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"


The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.

Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"


From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
Member
Posts: 4,781
Joined: Aug 19 2003
Gold: 5.00
Sep 9 2011 07:04am
Some nice jokes
Go Back To General Chat Topic List
Prev1131415161724Next
Add Reply New Topic New Poll