The girl im going out with will be referred to as 2 ....the one thats my friend will be referred to as 1 just for privacy because thats some very personal stuff i just told youll.

I'm literally no good at writing poetry. This is my first time trying to write a serious poem. First off i should fill you in on the neccesary knoweledge of what this is about and possibly explain a few of the metaphors i used in this. She ( 1 ) has been my friend for almost a year. I've always liked her but only a couple months ago told her. She told me no explaining that i was too good of a friend to risk. I've been around her for several of her relationships to crash and burn and i was always there to help her and a few times beat the shit out of the guy.... but thats not important.... Here very recently i started dating another girl ( 2 ) even though i told myself i would wait for this one. Im not sure what, but theres something about her ( 1 )that made me wait almost a year before moving on. Now that I have, shes ( 1 ) changing her mind on how she feels. Explaining seeing how i treat her makes her ( 2 )realize just how bad she ( 1 ) messed up. Well before that, me and her ( 1 ) went to a dance together, but when asked to dance, she wouldn't dance with me. She explained that when she was a child, her dad was the one who taught her to slow dance and well... hes no longer around and she said it just brings up too many memories, which i understand. hhmmm what else should you know to understand all this.... The girl i am with now has been through alot in her life. We all have, but she ( 2 ) was sexually abused when she was seven , verbally abused since than , and lives in a very bad enviroment now. parents constantly fighting and such. the things we all take for granted, like our parents still together, possibly a good financial life, those type of things. She doesn't have them. The girl im going out with will be referred to as 2 ....the one thats my friend will be referred to as 1 just for privacy because thats some very personal stuff i just told youll.


I've known you for almost a year,
We're best friends so this was really weird.
I told you because i thought i had to,
there was just something about you,
Turned out you didn't feel the same way,
I told myself i would wait , but what can i say
you told me you only wanted to be a friend,
that is the least youll be to the very end,
the day she told me yes,
i thought it was for the best,
now you say youve changed your mind,
you have no idea how i wished for that all the time
but damn it now im taken,
by a girl whos heart to kind for breakin,
she been through so much,
you could easily hurt her without a touch,
but god i wished for this so bad,
i wished for it with all that i had,
that one day you may change you mind,
if i only had the power to rewind time,
i would go back to the moment i met her,
the one where we were supposed to be together,
i would change how i asked you to dance,
you telling me no.... i wouldn't have given it the chance.
i dont know why i would take such a risk,
the reasons i should made such a long list.
but now i wish that i wouldn't,
there were alot of reasons i shouldn't.
that was what pushed me off the side,
changed how i felt down inside.
it made it clear how you felt,
it wasn't what i wanted but it was how it was dealt.
it told me i could never have you mine,
not today , not tomoro or any other given time.
I don't know what to do,god im so damn confused.
you know that i would do anything for you.
The only thing that will tell me is time,
To see if you are really the one i want as mine.
I don't expect you to wait,
even though you with another guy is something i deeply hate.
since what happened at the dance,
i feel she deserves the chance.
This doesn't change how i feel ,
I don't think anything ever will.
At times to move-on was all i was wanting,
the feeling of rejection was painfully haunting.
You said 2 tears slid down your cheek,
When I heard that, my heart got real weak.
To hear what you had secretely felt,
had me doubt the cards that i had been dealt.
uncertainty was all that stood in the way,
now the feeling of hope is back and here to stay.
now that day i longed for is finally here,
i have told myself i would wait for and its almost been a year
youve finally changed your mind,
but i couldn't have been at a worst time.
you have me questioning why im with her,
its like my feelings are the ball and your the catcher.
some are hit for a home-run,
but some are just a strike, but only one.
times slowly striking me out,
the feelings i have for her im beginning to doubt.
is it you i want and my painkiller her?
to be honest i can't say im sure.
but ever since i found out what you told me,
more and more questions are slowly unfolding.
ones like: is she for real?
others say: is this how she really does feel?
When you read this i don't know how youll reply,
but if you don't quickly i think i might die.
i won't be able to stand the wait,
all of this is true , none of it is fake.
but ill never know if i don't give you the chance,
so consider this me asking you to dance.
not a dance to music, but a dance of words.
ive said how i feel, and now its your turn.

This post was edited by dreu21952006 on Mar 25 2007 02:12am

Come on guys... Looking for a bit more help.

honestly, i couldn't read it all. its far to long, and "You, she, its" are used WAY to much. pronouns arn't the best in poems, they dull it. again its waaaaay to long for a poem imo. i've just started writing and made a post about it somewhere in this forum but i like to stick 16-32 lines. and the syllables are really off and you kinda went for the whole rhyme thing; which i like-- only if its done well. and it not really done well... you wanted some help and i know its kinda harsh but think of it as constructive, i suppose. In short, -shorten it, get a thesarus, fix the rhyme/syllable scheme and it'll be a very nice poem.

I voted no.. revise it, THEN give it to her. you want to awe her, not confuse her

This post was edited by Kamikizzle on Mar 28 2007 09:51pm

agree

That's what I was after. Thanks for your reply. I have already given it to her, and she started crying. ( wasn't what I was after , but It was a "good" cry lol ) We are together now. I've never written a poem before than, so its not that great lol. On the length? I just found it hard to fit all I wanted to say into 16-32 lines. I wish youll would have read it all , I thought the ending was great.

gz men! she is yours ^^

the ending was the only part i read. congrats. i suppose thats on way to get a girl. haha, now you know what you gotta do.

dick+shoulder

aww thats cute give it to her!

ya to long...ending was good though.....heh congrats

its nice give it to her don't hold back.