The cold intakes of air contrasts the blazing fire. Out of breathe, Davinste places his hands on his knees, surveyng the burning village. This is it, the fire and the shadow of night will not hide this place from me. Breaking into a jog he rushes to his most familiar place, his former home. "The fires seemed to have originate from the far side of town," Davinste observes aloud. "Is anybody there?!" cries a girls voice, "Please help us!" Davinste pinpoints the sound as best as he can and runs towards it. Coming upon a collapsed house he notices a young girl pulling on a beam of wood as best as she can. As he approaches the girl notices his presence and turns to him, "Please give me a hand, he is the only family I have left. I can't lose him!"
Davinste grimanced, this is it huh? "What of your mother? Surely she didn't run off with her husband in this condition." he asked, smiling when the man pinned under the beam noticed him. His eyes widened at the sight of Davinste, and the sword on his back. Gasping for air he attempted to talk. "Papa! Don't stress yourself, we will soon have you out of there!" Looking at the man under the beam, then at the girl frantically trying to lift the beam Davinste couldn't help but chuckle. Stopping, the girl looks at him; "What is so funny about a man suffering? With this beam on his chest he can barely breathe, help me before he suffocates!" Taking out his short-sword he walked over to the man. "Okay, I'll help you end his suffering." With these words he slashed the mans throat and blood splashed onto the girl. Struck silent the girl stared at the corpse that was once her father, then at the young man who struck him down and fell unconscious. "Oh boy, I can't just leave her here." Davinste picks up the young girl then throws her over his shoulder. "Woah, you're heavy. Heh, I can't even remember your name." Whistling, he walks off into the darkness.





Sooooooo this is basically how I plan to start a new story. It's about a boy who is sold by his parents at the age of seven to a power I haven't decided upon yet. A troop of mercs, a government, a kingdom, slaver keepers... Idk yet. Btw his sis was 2 or one at this point, haven't decided yet. I'll probably have him between 17-22 and the girl 12-16 or somtin.
He arrives to his hometown after winning his freedom(no spoilers about my idea here) to get revenge only to come upon a raid. Finding his younger sister trying to save his father, well you know the rest.
Basically he is going to overcome the trials of having a family(younger sister) and find out what family love is all about from the coldness hes survived. Maybe I'll throw in a heroine later on, don't know.

You guys think this is a good plot? =)
Not sure whether to start at this point of time, then have flashbacks as he relates the two different experiences or whether to start from when he was sold.


This isn't a critic on my writing skills, I just typed this up from what I had on my mind atm. I just want to know whether this plot sounds nice.

Could become a really interesting story actually. Nicely written aswell, using not too 'complicated' words (for some people) and not childish enough to have it being of no interest.

The story plot itself is uniqie for a main character I believe (at least I haven't heard of any that got around the way) and if you start it off like that, and then go with flashbacks as the book progress it'll become nice.
A heroine is always fun to have, as romance touch is always nice to read.

Tbh feel free to write any other ideas you have on the book, there's a few people here who's done it and it's always a pleasure reading it

Looks interesting.

Sounds interesting.
If you need any help editing/spell checking, let me know.

I actually decided to make a few changes and start a little bit earlier in the timeline because I want things to be a little bit more set, and for the flashbacks to make more sense. Also, I'm going to completely change the scene I already posted here but I'm not at that point yet. I'm going to put what I have so far, remind yourself that this is unedited and will probably be a lot different when it is.


"It is time, champion.' Hearing these words I exhaled deeply to calm my nerves, then stood to face the assembly. 'Champion' is what they call me, but what am I truly, a tool, an example? I really had no idea what they want from me. Glancing at the faces of the boys and girls looking at me with admiration, probably having thoughts of being in my shoes one day. I grimaced at the thought

that most of them will die in vain. When I reached the front I faced Brundel( I have the e accented with '. .' above it, but I don't know how to type that haha.) (Brun-deel), the King's alchemist, whom of which is in charge of this 'training town.' He smiled as I bowed my knee to him, which added kindle to the hate I harbored for this old man. He faced the crowd and began to speak in a deep,

overbearing voice; "Welcome my sons and daughters to this years champions inauguration!" At this declaration the crowd cheered and chanted my number, 107. After a few moment Brundel held up his hand for silence, how fast they complied made my stomach churn. He continued, "107's gift is speed, or power as you will, the only one to survive this formula and transformation. His sword

and armor, donned black to show the color of his blood was forged by my hands and my alchemy!' The crowd, fired up by these words, began to cheer again. This time Brundel immediately silenced them. "As you all know when you achieve the rank of champion you gain nobility, granted by the king himself. With this title he gains a name, prestige, and a way into our capital, the high city.

As the one with the honor to name you, rise 107 and present your hand. At his word I abandoned by kneeling position, holding my out before him. He took it in his left, which set my nerves on hand. This hand, how many deaths has it caused, I thought. With his right he brandished a golden ring with a inscription, which he placed on my middle finger. The fit was perfect. "With this ring

that represents your nobility I name you Xerath, the meaning of this in archaic is 'One who dances with the wind'" When he finished he held up my hand for all to see and the applause and chanting of my name resounded throughout the hall, but Brundel silenced them once again."Tomorrow is graduation for this year, but for tonight we will celebrate the naming of the champion. Enjoy

yourselves, graduates, prospects. The rest of you will retire early for your training on dawn, dismissed."



I have more, but I feel like it would be just words with what I have so far. I know that a lot is vague atm and more will be told when i finish the first chapter but i'll fill you guys in a bit here...

Basically this town is setup by the kingdom to train and raise children to be the perfect warriors, servants, soldiers and the such. They are brought in, often bought from their parents, at a young age and given doses of a formula which is going to be the way i use alchemy in my story.
Many die during the training, and even more by the chemical changes in their bodies. Basically when all is said and done you end up with enhanced humans which all have different strengths. Strength, intelligence, coordination, these are just a few listed. You can also volunteer yourself for a formula that has killed basically all of its users, which the main character survives. It gives him basically everything in order to achieve perfect power as we call it, strength, speed, and coordination all at its finest balance to create the perfect power. But to the eyes it just looks like he's fast as hell.
The champion is the best graduate of that year and with it you gain nobility and other stuffz, this is just really there to encourage everyone to work their hardest but one person does reap the benefits when they reach it. But don't get me wrong, he is nobility but he has no house, no family, and no trade. Basically a house-less noble, kind of a title of flare as you would call it.
These guys aren't all powerful but you can consider them the elite of the elite, I think it is more interesting if something supernatural is at work in the story and I thought something like this would be subtle enough to match a more normal setting.

I'll tell you guys a little bit of my plot now. He graduates blah blah blah, I'ma have something interesting happen here but I'ma not spoil it. Brundel gets a msg from the king that he wants him to show the results of his alchemy. He sends out mc here out on basically his last mission being under him. He goes out to defeat some raiders (Dunno if gonna be bandits or some conspiracy of enemy kingdom or country or w.e yet.) and comes upon his hometown to a simliar scene as before which brings his younger sister into the picture.

Do you guys think the story would make more sense if I come at it from this angle instead of later downt he timeline?

This post was edited by ChrisKz on Jun 28 2013 01:07pm

Brundél I guess you'd want to write? (copy paste will be strong in you)

And it's a good story actually, alchemy isn't often used in fantasy stories (what I know of) as main source of 'power'.

That beginning is really good aswell, same as first one. You could start either one. Thing is if you start as you first posted, the second post should be a flashback somewhere, not too far off (imo). While if you start with the second post you could develop it into the first post, which is quite nice in its own way.

The setting overall seems alluring aswell.

That is true, alchemy is generally used for creating magic items or creatures in fantasy stories. But, as a reader myself, dislike it when a source of power is borrowed from an item or any other such thing. That is the reason for it coming into fruit in the fashion that I have here.

That may be the way I intend to accent the name, idk really. I prefer the two dots looks wise but if that is what i need for that sound then i'll use that one.

I think I'ma go for the second one because I felt like only hardcore readers would be interested in how mysterious the first one is, while the second one has just enough for both sides.

edit: Also with magic I always feel I have to apply it in some way with the laws of physics haha, with alchemy... No1 cares about chemistry....

This post was edited by ChrisKz on Jun 28 2013 10:07pm

You mean Brundël? I got no idea how you accent stuff in english though, but in Swedish you write it with and é.

And you got a point there with the second one being more alluring for casual readers I guess.

Alchemy is pretty interesting, you gonna explain how they do the 'elixirs' and stuff? Would be neat to follow the process sometimes

This post was edited by MynameFailed on Jun 29 2013 05:10am

iunno how ima do that yet, just gonna go with it haha. If he gets involved with that kind of stuff again maybe i'll explain it.

Take your time plotting it, better have a good solid story, rather than just general plot with no decent outcome