Quote (furbyjs @ Jun 16 2013 11:19pm)
I don't know if this is in any kind of specific setup, but the two sections of 5 lines feel bulky, like there should be 4 lines (in keeping with the 4/4 time I imagined when reading).
I only noticed this because in the last section, you use the word "him" in every line. Maybe if you changed the 5th line to not include him, or cut it down one line, or added 3 lines.
Also it doesn't rhyme, which I guess isn't important.
Seems pretty good, I could imagine someone screaming this on the radio.
Appreciatr the comments. Ill look at it further and see what I can rearrange and make it sound better. I havent pht a rhythm together for it yet so im nit sure exactly how im going to sing it yet either.