I'm bored and I seen someone else doing something similar to this and I figured this would be good to get feedback and possibly some critiques feel free to post your mind

I'll try to post 1 or 2 poems\songs written every so often. [ assuming anyone is interested ]

Poem: Rotten to the core:
-------------------------------
Shattered dreams and broken hearts
watch this world as it falls apart
life rusts away in the palm of a hand
falls to the ground and becomes the sand
it grows and grows to begin a new
in hopes that one day it can see it through
only to suffer and die once more
The human race has become a sore
cancerous in nature, rotten to its core
yet wonder why the earth has begun to roar
natural disasters get stronger by the day
simply mother earth telling us to go away
empty gestures fill the air
yet we still walk around without a care
you may be blinded but I can see
this is just mother earth saying, its you or me


Song: Dominoes:
---------------------
If I want rain, I get no clouds
the sun must somehow know
If I want pain, I give my heart
that's why I have trouble letting go

Cause what you see is not the thing
I consciously expected to be
but everything that could go wrong
that and more can happen to me

like the house of cards that fall
eventually to the deck it goes
little fingers give a push
brings down your world like dominoes

I break down, it starts the chain
I can't handle one more thing
it sells me out, I'm losing this game
I break down, and the dominoes fall again

when I can't face the world no more
go crawl off seeking refuge
and everything that I once knew
only leaves me confused

and I break down, it starts the chain
I can't handle one more thing
it sells me out, I'm losing this game
I break down, and the dominoes fall again

corporate fingers deep in my pockets
reachin' in to take everything
to the bum who's sitting down on the corner
waitin' to hit me up for spare change

what you see is not the thing
I consciously expected to be
but everything that could go wrong
that and more can happen to me

I break down, it starts the chain
I can't handle one more thing
it sells me out I'm losing this game
I break down and the dominoes fall again.

Pretty cool

Thanks, anything in particular you liked or disliked about them? any and all feedback is appreciated

here is another poem I wrote based around the same thoughts of the first poem I decided to incorporate religious meanings inside it as well

Life is hell
Death is heaven
The almighty goes by seven
Humanity by six
For the sins we commit
But pride blinds us from reality
One less than holy
One more than grace
Born to live in this terrible place
Blinded by demons, unable to tell
God didn't make it, this is our hell

I in no way claim to be an expert on poetry or song writing but i'd say poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. If you dig deep into the recesses of your mind and emotions and find that rhyming is getting in the way of conveying what you have to say, just discard it. You shouldn't limit yourself to rules when it comes to writing; even random scribbling and ungrammatically correct sentence structures can be art if done in the right manner.

I don't try to rhyme its simply how it tends to come out. I simply just try to tell a story in the most meaningful way I can at the time of creation that also flows when spoken nicely.

SONG: Ashes of me

ashes they fall from the hand of the mighty
whispering winds tell their secrets untidy
footsteps in sand wander deep in the memory
tide washes in as I seep into envy

where are you leading me?.. I can't tell you
who do you want me to be?.. I don't know
I know all your secrets... I don't believe you
look into my eyes

seek you shall find speaks the blind man who fuels me
standing outside where the lock is without key
lonely moons fall as my soul is left bleeding
left all alone while insanity's seeding

Where are you leading me?.. I can't tell you
who do you want me to be?.. I don't know
I know all your secrets... I don't believe you
look into my eyes

passing the time writing words with deep meanings
trying to forget that my conscience is leaning
contrary phrases appear upon dead wood
I'd walk away if I thought that I could.

Where are you leading me?.... I can't tell you
who do you want me to be?... I don't know
I know all your secrets.. I don't believe you
look into my eyes

I'm neglected, I'm abused
I'm a poet without muse
see the daisies like to pick them
im a rapist, without victim
eyes of power, eyes of light
lead me through the darkened night
I'm a prophet, I'm insane
death is abel, and I am cain

This post was edited by strangerdanger696 on Jun 11 2013 05:16pm

Dark Clouds

everyday away from you I die a little more ,
everyday away from you I cry a little more ,
sadness overbearing blinding me binding me grinding away at my soul ,
tear's a flow like a waterfall ,
no time , till the day I call you mine and you call me yours ,
I will do anything for you just ask , ask for anything and I will deliver ,
without you my heart quivers
, im broken , depressed , full of doubt ,
I need you need I shout?

I look upon ur poems
words sound like metal
believe u
u've been hell
me 2
surprised, your song
soul

and this is how my poem starts, with a spark from another

I bleed my heart
only when necessary
when the dark gathers around
outnumbered, I laugh
I am the dark
run while u can
the devil eats me and I eat the devil
if strength I want
this is in me
surprise me
u cannot, I contain dark fire
a tear falls upon distant memories, like upkeep called
only to fight for righteous cause
a righteous fight a righteous might
how blurred this description be
how insane, how malevolent it seems
that is the way of the world
there are heroes and then there are shadows
shadow hero