I'll be posting the crappy poems I will be writing periodically. I welcome all feedback, and I will also comment on your poems if you have some you'd like read and reflected on.

Also, inb4 "gay", "these suck", etc.

Apathy:

Quote

Crushing apathy acts as a
Veritable tsunami of creeping malaise
Constantly threatening
the fragile sanity

Nevermind:



Both suck, I know, they are the first poems I ever wrote.

Thanks in advance for reading.

This post was edited by Kamahl16 on Mar 1 2010 09:41pm

i havnt written a poem in over a year, but the second one is pretty good

I read your poems, they were interesting.

The first work must make sense as an independent sentence: Crushing apathy acts as a veritable tsunami of creeping malaise constantly threatening the fragile sanity.

You're saying that apathy that feels as if it crushed?
Apathy as per dictionary.com: lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting
I don't see how apathy that acts as a veritable tsunami of creeping malaise that constantly threatens the fragile sanity is at all lacking in interest.

Veritable may not be the proper word to describe a tsunami. If you're trying to emphasize how real this tsunami and the effects of it are then choose a prettier, more fitting connotative.

Creeping malaise is good.

Constantly threatening the fragile sanity. IMO, using a generalization such as this is completely inappropriate when describing feelings (such as apathy). You must personalize it. No one, after all, can share duplicate emotions; there is always a difference in degree.

Overall, I think you were either using a thesaurus or writing down words as they came to you without considering them. Poems such as this must carefully use every word and they must make sense as sentences. We don't want to write as a middle school poet-fanatic that writes shitty, incomprehensible 'poems' that are so good no one but the middle school writer understands them.

Imo the style of the second is too different from my tastes.

This post was edited by onepagememory on Mar 5 2010 09:16am

Bingo, I don't ever use a thesaurus.

Thanks for the comments, though.

interesting how lol

I would say they are good as a start however they could use a lot of cleaning up. Work on your word choice to say what you want more clearly, these are just way to general.

The chess one was interesting how you alternated between a literal chess game and an actual incidence where the pieces would be fighting.

I enjoy reading poems / writings that make people think about what the writer meant. If the grammar is correct or not, it doesn't bother me.
Then again I also believe that rap is a form of poetry (Although, I only listen to Eminem..)

Enjoyed the 2nd one the most, however both were good reads. Cheers

In my book it's more than okay to use broken grammar/words that don't have a direct meaning (mind you, they should have some meaning) as long as they fit in, and add to the feeling.

This post was edited by Deadreborn on May 19 2010 06:43am