This is a fight scene I'm using for a new story/book that I'm writing. Please let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

-Rylanth rolled under the arm of his opponent as they swung, swiping their feet out from under them on his way back to his feet. Tobias stumbled backward but was able to wrap his arm around Rylanth's neck and bring him to the ground with him. Tobias hit the ground with Rylanth on top of him. Rylanth propelled himself into a backflip over Tobias's head, releasing the hold on his neck. Tobias stood and both he and Rylanth lunged for the swords that they had discarded earlier in the fight.They circled, both looking for weakness in the other. Tobias shook the sweat from his eyes and Rylanth took his chance. He lunged forward and to the right of Tobias to ricochet off of the makeshift cage. Tobias ducked and dodged to the left swinging his sword to land across Rylanth's back. Hissing in pain Rylanth and rolled to his back, swinging the sword up at Tobias. Rocks and grit dug into his wound, stealing his concentration. Tobias took advantage of Rylanth's position and swung his sword down at the other man's chest. Rylanth blocked with the broad side of his. Both men gritted thier teeth, pushing against each other. With one last burst of strength Rylanth sent Tobias rolling to the side. Both men stumbled to thier feet and began circling each other.
-Step by step Tobias felt his energy draining. He glanced at the ground where blood dripped from Rylanth's body then back up to the other man's face. The wound was deep enough to slow him down but not by much. Tobias knew it was only a matter of time before Rylanth got him back. He could only hope that the Queen would call for them to stop before hand.
-On the other side of the arena Rylanth kept his concentration on Tobias, ignoring the pain in his back. Another inch and Tobias's sword would have cut into bone. He had to get a worse injury on Tobias before the Queen called the end of the fight. He crouched on the ground and wiped the sweat off his brow with his arm. Tobias took the opportunity just like Rylanth thought he would.
-Tobias charged toward Rylanth, sword held like a lance. Rylanth held his ground as Tobias thrust his sword towards his neck. He leaned back to lay on the ground, edge of the sword barely missing his nose. With all of the momentum built up behind him Tobias's body followed his lunge causing him to stumble over Rylanth. Rylanth drew up his legs and planted both feet into Tobias's stomach and launched him up and behind, right into the wall of the arena. Rolling to his side, Rylanth placed his sword on Tobias's neck and kicked away his sword.

Please and Thank you!
=^,,..,,^=

This post was edited by WolfieQT on Feb 19 2010 10:36pm

Ok I won't give you a line for line edit, but here's a few things I noticed.

In the first six lines you start new sentences too much with the characters names.

"Tobias stumbled backward but was able to wrap his arm around Rylanth's neck and bring him to the ground with him. Tobias hit the ground with Rylanth on top of him. Rylanth propelled himself into a backflip over Tobias's head, releasing the hold on his neck. Tobias stood and both he and Rylanth lunged for the swords that they had discarded earlier in the fight.They circled, both looking for weakness in the other. Tobias shook the sweat from his eyes and Rylanth took his chance. He lunged forward and to the right of Tobias to ricochet off of the makeshift cage. Tobias ducked and dodged to the left swinging his sword to land across Rylanth's back. Hissing in pain Rylanth and rolled to his back, swinging the sword up at Tobias. Rocks and grit dug into his wound, stealing his concentration. Tobias took advantage of Rylanth's position and swung his sword down at the other man's chest. Rylanth blocked with the broad side of his. Both men gritted thier teeth, pushing against each other. With one last burst of strength Rylanth sent Tobias rolling to the side. Both men stumbled to thier feet and began circling each other."

Is this fight secene at the beginning of a chapter or the beginning of the book? Or is there more before it? If I was going to start a new chapter or book with this openning scene I would definetely structure it differently.



"Step by step Tobias felt his energy draining. He glanced at the ground where blood dripped from Rylanth's body then
back up to the other man's face. The wound was deep enough to slow him down, but not by much. Tobias knew it was
only a matter of time before Rylanth struck back. He could only hope the Queen would call for them to stop before things
got out of hand."

Ok I've changed just some minor points in this paragraph but overall it's good. When you go on to the next paragraph you change perspective from Tobias to Rylanth. You should keep to one perspective. You could write in third person, but then you would need to change everything. If you need to change the perspective you should let the reader know. do this:

* * * *

Then start writing in the other perspective. However you shouldn't use this too much.

There are quiet a few grammatical errors which you would need to iron out. Still, its pretty decent and in some parts I can see how you could, with practice, become a good writer.

I hope you don't think I'm being unfair ^^ I just like to be truthful to help you. If you need any help feel free to pm me. Keep up the good work