Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

Today, I was vacuuming my car and started to joke around with my six year old brother by sucking up his shirt and hair with the vacuum. I accidently sucked up his penis. My mom has caught him three times with the vacuum now. I turned my brother into a pervert. FML

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction… “I love Los Angeles too!” FML

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful half naked brunette in my bed. 2 minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

Today, I wake up, switch on TV and the first thing I see is the picture of a wanted rapist who looks just like me. I’m afraid to leave home. FML

Today, I baby sat a four-year old kid, because his parents went partying. Once in bed, he yells "I want to go party!!". After 3 or 4 times, I told him to go to sleep. 2 hours later, wet bed. "Told you I want to go potty!!" FML

Today, I did a barbecue. My boss won't believe me tomorrow when I tell him that the main pages of his 2-months work file helped make the best sausages I've ever done. FML

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on msn, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

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