awaken to reality, my avatar of dread
a void in time even angels dare not to tread
afflicted and lost we renounce our own sight
terror blossums at sunset, salient of night

a fabricated nightmare within dreams stricken blind
to the adamant soul in which they've been confined
reanimated shadows, minds starved from false truth
eager to consume loveless passion of obsequious youth

amaurotic saints gaze to the stars in pretend
as contingent barrens fade & heaven's phantoms transcend
sanctuaries watch in wonder behind neglectful dark eyes
the tempest draws near, obscured in celestial cries

song of despair, our decay, our decree
in one hand my heart, the other debris
broken and neglected, our disease ridden sky...
calling forth thunder to revive a world too heartless to die.




not like i get feedback for these anyway

You have a strong word choice, but this poetry borders on emo. I would suggest changing your style a bit and writing about something more defined, like pagan literature or something. I usually write about mythological shit or Egyptian mysticism.


This post was edited by general_patton on Jun 6 2009 02:05pm

+1

yeah i know it seems emo i just tend to like the vocabulary in that spectrum more

thanks though ill check out what you suggested

meh it didnt sound to emo to me i actually liked it

id say 8/10

keep up the good work

i dun think your diction really needs to be that high. i urge you to use evocative rather than erudite language, which is for scholars, not seekers of catharsis. well imo thats the point of art but its debatable ofc.

4/10

would you mind simplifying that for someone who isnt fluent in poetic terms? this is the 2nd one ive written.

you use wat is considered "high" vocabulary. most ppl who are not english majors will need to consult a dictionary to understand wat u are talking about. specialized language is something that should be used when we know that people will understand it, for example, as among peers in a field of study. when im around english academics i can say "teleological" or "dialectic" or any number of terms that most ppl wudnt understand but are common in our field. wat sells poetry is the amount of "emotion" (catharsis) your reader will buy into. and thats wat you should focus on. your poem isnt half bad, im just critiquing one half.

e: your better than most. keep posting.

This post was edited by eriot on Jun 11 2009 03:52pm

oh okay i understand and appreciate your critique, thanks. Ill try to use more simplified words.

hehe